The aftermath

If there is one thing I would like to change about myself... That would be how insecure I am. About who I am and about my relationship. Don't get me wrong, he has never cheated on me neither has he thought about another for more than he should. It's just me. It's just me, my killer thoughts and I will be upfront and honest that almost once every two months I get into this whirlpool of self-doubt, self-hate and massive struggle to not "punish" myself. To feel pain to know I am alive and that I "have paid my dues"... I won't ever kill myself, so calm down. I am not that stupid. I have more purpose to live than to deliberately take my life.

However, I think I have kept this in long enough and I want to write it all out, say it out loud and hear how silly I am. It really challenges my relationship, no doubt and it really pushes Shane but I thank God from the bottom of my heart that He has lovingly made this boy with a heart of perseverance and the spirit to fight for what he believes in. 2 years 3 months (I'm not just counting because I'm one of those crazy people who care) Instead, I am grateful for each and every day with him and Him helping both of us.

I acknowledge it is the aftermath of the mess I have been in before back in the raging teen years where emotions and heart aches were the pinnacle of life commitments that we use to think we would all keep until we die. I've loved and lost multiple times to the same person but through this I learn that God is faithful to not just me but to cookie monster too. I'm still learning to love. Every year in this relationship there is a highlight.

1st year: Learning how to let go of fears.
2nd year: Learning how to love and be loved fully (Barriers down!).
This year, it's to trust, love unconditionally and what it means to work on each others flaws together.

Oh Lord, teach me to love like You do. Teach me to forgive myself and to protect my heart and mind from the devil and his evil schemes. May I not be my own judge and standards, instead know that it is Your standards and to be grateful and acknowledge that Jesus Christ have bridge this gap for me.

Here's to you Darling, thank you so much even though I throw tantrums and take you for granted way too many times. I thank God for you every day. I love you.

Ps. BRACES COME OFF ON THE FOLLOWING MONDAY!!! WOAHHHHHH!!!!

fallen in this pothole.

Looking through pictures, I found this.

What do I want, what do I need, what should I do? All these questions, easily answered with one word, "Pray".

From last week, I've learnt that I should finally confront what I've been avoiding, pushing aside and trying so hard to move on from. "Conclusion", confronting, scary and honestly unwillingly but I know I need it. I've written the letter, now I'm just too fearful for what comes after. It's sitting in my computer folder taking up bytes. Its obvious I need it, look at me, I'm holding back because I return considering you. I guess at the same time of "Could have been" I'm excited yet at the same time I'm selfish, not making up my mind. No, not seeking God. Honestly, I'm scared. For both. Risks, choices and wants.

So eager yet foolish.

Friend request.

Hold my hair as I vomit in this nauseous familiarity.

Friends has never been neither will it ever be an option isn't it? Yeah I can raise my hand to that and say that's true. Surrendering was just a state of numb waves after that cruel encore and sickening last words strung together that comprehend nothing but mockery that wraps around like a life float but will never get as near as the waves of past horrors that keep crashing in between. & People cry "S.O.S" but really they are just acronyms to say "STAY ON SUCKER!" and leave you to curl up, rock and shatter.

Every done, doing and will do will be questioned to be labelled "mistake". Its all a joke isn't it?

Chapter 18: Cookie monster (Part 4: turtles, shadow in the heart) + bitch's tale 2.5+0.5

continuation of Cookie monster (Part 3: For a friend and pain).


At the start of 2009, I went back to Singapore once again. JLee still had a little something for NZH and it was killing me inside. I was still with Bi as well when I returned. I was struggling, I really still liked ZH so much that it butterflies whenever I hear his voice in a faint distance and skips of heart beats when I see him. The first time I saw him when I went back, like a little fool I ran in fear. I could not face him... I told Bi about it and asked for a break. I needed time to think.


I told ZH I still liked him. Just a couple of days ago, I was reading my hotmail history and it went back to that day where I was talking to him. Reading it now, it still placed this fear in me I don't understand. I went out for lunch with him and few other friends. I saw turtles drawn on his arm. I saw JLee's name as well. Something in me died. I reminded myself, it was my choice, my actions that has brought myself here. I am suppose to give up, why am I still clinging on so tight then?


He asked me about Bi, I confessed I could not do this anymore. He told me not to be silly, I told him he's like this shadow. In there, looming and hiding but always there though not always seen. It was driving me nuts...


I got back with Bi after I left Singapore. Why? This is where bitch 0.5 comes in... ZH said black specs people were like a curse. I knew for sure, I was one. He liked this girl then. I didn't want to know who, I know I would lose my sanity. I got back to Bi just so I could try move on and fully allow myself to love Bi. You know, without holding back anything for this shadow. It didn't work... I hurt Bi A LOT. I know I did. I did a lot of stupid dumb things during this long distance. He forgave me over and over. I didn't deserve it, frankly.


I broke up with Bi in Nov 2009. 11 months into our relationship, we decided its for the better. My close friend in PGC constantly asked if I was okay, I could always smile as usual and say "Of course! Why  wouldn't I be? :D" She'd exclaim in horror,"WHY!? BECAUSE YOU JUST WENT THROUGH A BREAK UP THAT'S YOUR LONGEST RELATIONSHIP!" Found it silly to be upset. But it did hit me eventually when a week after the break up, we still texted and I asked, "Have you moved on? :P" 


"yes!!! What about you?" was the reply. I don't know if it hurt because I wasn't missed (like any girl would want to be) or was it because I've finally realised I've lost him for good now with all his exclamation marks...


I didn't reply, I cried a little and replied, "I don't know."

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While all these was happening, I later (at the start of this year) the full story of ZH and that girl he liked at that point in early 2009.


That girl... I've had anger in me against myself and anger in her that also directed back at myself since I've learnt of who she was and what she did. I followed her on twitter just to know what mess she's up to. I didn't like her. I detested her. I didn't like her so much, that I would check her up on facebook and feel anger in me and daggers in my heart whenever I see her name or even photos. I'd question over and over,"WHY HER..."


I got my answer at the start of this year from ZH himself. It burned. Not only did it burned but flames engulfed my living senses and heart. I lost it.


I finally decided to let go just 2 days ago. I deleted her from facebook. I stopped following her on twitter and I've decided to cut her from my life. I didn't want to hold her captive in my heart of anger because she's like a tunnel where I channel my anger and questions of what should or should not have been towards myself.


I'll tell you more about her and who she is later. For now, at least I've finally decided to let go of this boulder of pain.

Chapter 16: A bitch's tale 2.5 (Ashim)

This is where Bitch ½ comes in… I was with “Bi” 2 months after Padrick in Shanghai. This was in December 2008. I got in this relationship meaning to try to move on from ZH and all the drama from before. Forcing myself to move on. I didn’t really have any feelings for Bi at first, to be honest. (BITTTTTCHHHHHH!~) He was like the cutest boy in school that had many amazing qualities. He was all loving and I honestly did like him after... But not enough for me to forget ZH… (I told him about ZH to be honest, from the day we played a game which brought us together eventually, till today.)

We soon learnt that Bi was to leave for Sydney in January 2009. We treasured every moment we got there after. A couple of weeks later, we also learnt that I was moving to Australia too! Sydney as well! Amazing! Time flew by, time spent with him was memorable, great and fun.  It was time for Bi to leave, it was hard peeling myself off him. I really did like him. 2 weeks time then and I would be on my way to Sydney too! A few days later, parents broke the sad news to me. They have changed our application to Perth instead. PERTH!? The black hole where all the cactuses live!? I threw a huge tantrum. 

I told Bi. I was bawling my eyes out but he assured me that we could go through with long distance relationship. He’d come to Perth to visit when he is able to since we’re already in the same country. Seems promising.

Cut the long story short, we were together for 2 months physically and LDR in total of 9 months, which means we were together for 11 months in total. We ended in November 2009. We broke up twice, once because I really still liked ZH and I requested for some time to think it through. We got back after I learnt ZH had a girlfriend. I thought maybe its time for me to move on too… The second time it was my fault once again. I was so confused. The time difference was driving me nuts and him not sharing the same faith, are we just running on high false hopes? But we got back again. The last time though was when we sat down and seriously talked it out. We realised we didn’t know where we are headed and I would not see him anytime soon. It was getting pointless. After all, “If you love someone, let them go. If they return, its meant to be and if they don’t, its not it.”

(If you have read my blog 2 years ago, you might remember this picture.) World, this is "Bi" 

PS. He's not anymore. HAHA

Then, I still have not moved on from ZH. I really liked Bi but if you asked me to pick, I’d freak, start running and never stop.


To be continued.

Just low resolution.

Like sound waves, a little girl floats unnoticed. Everyone hears her, yet not everyone takes into account her lullabies. Its like a dream so crystal clear, yet bits are not clearly written in details. She sings, in hopes someone would realise, in hopes that those that has listened out for her soft voice before, would conscientiously listen again. She waits upon the day that should could be the background music of someone's life, where she could be in dreams that are not just in wandering minds when the city is placed on mute but also like reality when the birds awake the glittering glass of this house. 

Just inspirations all up in my mind.

I really feel like acting again.

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When I visit her page, I honestly can't help but sigh. I know, I know... It was all a plan, it was lies that sparked and birds that flew in from the winter's morning wanted some heating that they soar so low, that they die among the ashes and no one, but the fire, grass that burns and the people that so happen to turn their heads to the silent flame, realises this tragic scene.

It always comes back down to this day.

& Once again, for years 2009, 2010 and this year I can't help but sigh a deep sigh.
Singapore's National Day today and honestly, my last NDP in Singapore was a miracle my heart refuses to ever let go.

Spending it with amazing people especially the very boy that I embarked on a journey with exactly 3 years ago on this very day, at this very time where he shot me straight dead on the pathway with how he could make me never forget that very, extraordinary day I never knew was going to be  the same ever again.


"Taking my hand, pulling me down the streams of people." You, dear reader have already probably read that for the 100000000th time on my blog already. Especially on every Singapore NDP post I have each year since I left.

This post is just to you NZH. Read it or not, it doesn't matter anymore.

Dear 1234,
The way you made this linger in me is pretty astonishing. Uncanny and could never be comprehended. So it seems the start of this year was the end of that journey we started exactly 3 years ago at this time. It seems like a blow that I never knew would be from you. A wishing that God used you to fulfill. He has His purpose, cause "everything happens for a reason." Just like what we use to say. Your faith, I adored. Your character, I could not grasp. Ridiculously, you showed me who I could be and how I could reach my potential. You said,"Trust in Him. Pray." Words that came from you were like engraving of marble. You requested me to move on, I asked for time. You tell me it's been gone since that flower took after me, I broke and cried in helplessness. You tell me to take care, I said I always will. & You tell me the future you hope, I tell you to stop. Why do conclusion contradict the things you use to tear me down of my pedestal of hopes? Scarred, you made me promise your pleas of "Move on. Move on." I've tried. Since the day I took a step further, since the day you told me of fears or mine fulfilled. I tried since the day you became who I once was. 8 months has passed, still no footprints of yours... Further mistakes I've made yet lessons learnt. Simple things like your birthday, favourite colour, index number and anything relating to you is still memorised in me, complexity between us is gone and though the pain seems hard to forget at the moment, it was definitely one that I could relate with people. This is it, holding on is not deliberate anymore but like what you said, whatever the future holds, I would like to pick up your offer to still meet up but also with our other 2f family. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED ;D


In Daddy God's love,
Marilyn.

valentine's day 2011.

So it's valentines huh. Well honestly, it's just another day the comes and go. Nothing special and doesn't need to be! :)
So I've gotten lazy with the photo a day but okay... I'll try to catch up.

There's something out there that I've been keeping my hopes up. I know I shouldn't because I know I'd just end with disappointment but if it ever does come true, it'd be amazing, I'd be so in awe and well it's just so new to me.

So the songs that I listened to to take that one moment in time away was the song I picked to listen to first and it all came rushing back again. One major mistake you'd say but I guess I can't help how vulnerable and naive I can be.

you still make me smile.

I love these guys to bits :)

Looking through my notes and messages, I found yours. The very first time you said "I love you =X". && What made you say it, was because of one blogpost.

Right now, I hear some of you guys going,"I want to ask you who all these last few blogposts are for but it's a tad awkward." Haha, don't. Don't get me started cause the next few hours all you hear, is my voice hahaha.

It's funny how I can find so many songs to sing to you, it's funnier how you can stay liking one person for years at this age. It's funniest when you're wishing each time for this person to come on, for months; and it only occur once-twice a year..

They say if it's a crush, it takes 4 months and you'll be over it. We've gone way way further than that and it's scary that it's like this..

Daddy, please give me an energy bar.
& You carry me through the storm.

dreams.

It's funny how this quote was invented in my dreams. It sounds funny but I love the idea of it.

Since Singapore, my brain has not rested. I've been having crazy dreams, dreams seeming so real. & Today it affected my living being. My brain was dead, I slept for 11 hours straight and woke up at 3.30pm. Insomnia. I have no emotions nothing, I just feel like a sloth, a walking zombie. Today's dream was about everything, all 14 chapters of you and I but Korean people acting in our story, maybe cause whenever I tell someone all 14 chapters, they scream "KOREAN DRAMA!". But to be honest, the dream didn't have a conclusion, but I see the guy, feeling like you and the story hasn't ended. I like it that way.


Australia day today, pictures soon!
A few days ago, when I just returned from Singapore, I woke up, surprised to be alive.. That surprises me myself but I guess it really feels that way, leaving singapore ):
"Woke up at 3.30pm from an 11 hours sleep;butter cream & chips for "brunch" & I've been sleeping in mess since I returned. Mummy, I need you."

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Went out with Nat to San Churros on Tuesday. Love this babe.

Back to perth.

Another Camera's

there are still so many more to come.

Family dinner!

 have not seen this bunch in ages. I really did miss them and how I can speak to them in English and feeling alright. :) I love them to bits really, though we only meet once a year for most of us, we're still bonded by blood. Hope to see Shanon in Aus soon! :)

Justin's BBQ Birthday!

I miss you!

like I said, I love this pic cause it's pretty arty farty. Everyone's doing their own thing and wasn't arranged. Pictures like these show the true moments in time that's happening, not like those that the camera man has to wait as people organize themselves then smile. Its these pictures that shows the truth in friendships and moments.

Everyone asks,"so, what now?"
"We'll pray, wait and see. :)"
After the first night, it didn't sting anymore. It's as if nothing happened but something did and that's what makes me happy. I feel, there's something greater happening in God's plan but will you allow it? Or will you lie to both yourself and I, saying "I'm not worth it"?

on my way back down.

I'm a girl who bites her nails when she's nervous,
scratch her head when she's stressed,
bottle up her feelings until one day it all comes flooding out,
laugh after she cries,
hates painting nails,
hates wearing make-up,
goes numb after something painful happens,
laughs until she has 8 pacs,
don't care if she's wearing pjs out,
she takes things at one step but sometime mess up because of not looking forward,
tells everyone to smile,
find my own advice hard to follow,
that runs and doesn't care what the world thinks.
she doesn't let the past go easily but finds her way after a long while,
feels lost,
naive and wouldn't believe things from others,
vulnerable yet acts strong,
always tangled in her own thoughts,
always trying to find answers that can't be found,
who is open yet closed,
who thinks she's the ugly in fugly when she sees her photos,
thinks she's fat yet doesn't care and pig out,
who craves mcspicy and leave the best for last but ends up full after eating the buns,
messed up?

Well, we all are in some ways and that's when we need some guidance.

little update trails.

Have not been blogging the last few days of 2010 cause my laptop was in m8.

So here are some updates.

Christmas countdown:

Played pictionary, articulate and sequence.

Melissa's wedding. A photo with aunt Pih.

18th Jan, Tuesday my 2nd day in SG!

At night, met ocf-ers at Jerry's!

 

Went to Marina Barrage.

 Proving that 3 is a crowd hahaha.

Thursday, visited phpps after 4 years! So many things have changed, so many teachers I caught up with and phpps friends. <3 Had the chicken rice from phpps stall, good memories.

Thursday after phpps, met Yun and Loy, wanted to visit drama but had some things to clear before anything.

Now, I feel like I've woken up, like a nightmare, goes on until you are jerk right up and you slowly come back down to earth and recover while you're on the journey down. Questions answered, pieces match, the puzzle is solved, the story of the 3 years have had a conclusion that one might know was a risk. Closing the book, looking towards the future that was once where I filled everything up with a plus one. Now I wonder how, but I know the answer lies in the one who was my first love, Daddy God. This is it, I've been let go from chains I've stayed too comfortable in. Run till you lose the feelings in your legs, cry until memories run dry of pain but lessons to be learnt instead and what's ahead is what I write in with smiles. Recovery, the first has now ended.. "meant to be"; we'll see.

I close my eyes and I see a better day.

the wish I wish on every birthday.
"Have you ever feel like you're dead inside?"
Honestly? Right now. at this point. Right. now.

But I know that this is just a start of a new chapter.

Love and other drugs.

Watched Love and other drugs with Mel.

Its probs a R18 in Singapore but its MA15+ here.

Loads of sexual scenes but the moral of the story, its touching and meaningful.

That was how I spent my night.

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& when I said I'd try to let go because time isn't a number,

something tells me, "hold on.".

Or is that something, me?

Daddy, I'm Yours.

As the rain comes down.

Wednesday:

OCF potbless Christmas dinner.

+ Prayer meet. :)

Today:

Went to the city with Janie and met my lynwood friends. Karaoke, Pot Black (Pool) & Arcade for photobooth.

Going to meet the whole gang soon.

by Kle-m

The past 2 days has been a little bumpy ride. Its an emotion that's so hard to explain. Insomnia. But after thinking it through, speaking to God, letting it out... Right now, I'm just going to let everything go. I'm not going to chase after a wild dream, I'm not going to keep wishing on fantasies, I'm just going to be me. Things might not change but I will. I will show that I don't care any more about things that doesn't require my attention, because whatever it is, God has a greater plan for me than me, trying to write my own story ahead.


"What's meant to be will always find a way."
- Trisha Yearwood 


It may be the hardest thing, but trust in the Lord always and He will make your path straight.

SICKENING.

I guess not knowing earlier was good.
I guess he should never know anyway.
I guess she just hate letting people know.
I guess she could never tell him what exactly happened after.
I guess she can't be compared.
I guess everything that happened was nothing much.
I guess it didn't mean as much to him as it did to her.
I guess he's right. "I'm a jerk." 
I guess the one that truly loves you do come back.
I guess it doesn't just end there.
I guess it goes on and the chain continues.
I guess people screw each other minds up pretty badly.
I guess its not a game for kids.
I guess its all not worth it...

then tell me why, tell me why was that foolish girl kept the same wish on the wish list for 2 years, feeling sick to the pit when she thinks of him, having dreams feeling so real to tell her everything is going to end like this while he was gone already? This is one huge circle of jokes and hidden facts.

"The one that loves us, never really leave us."
lies isn't it?

Why do I crave speaking to you but after each conversation its just feeling this way?

I hate love, what more do you need me to say?

Love shadows of the broken path.

2 years, 3 months...

Back to square one,

I wished things could have been different, things I didn't do, things I didn't have the courage to say then to have been said, to tell you I really meant it...

These 2 years 10 months, we've been on a roller coaster ride... Tears that should have not been, screaming that weren't meant to be.

From loving to just simple wishing for just 5 minutes with you to talk things out. To fix that cruel broken path we each went down.

The shadow of the heart.

This is the only situation I've questioned myself so many whys that I can never answer. From smiles to a last long tight hug, then unto hoping which was then crushed like a piano thrown from Mt Everest. Heavy, black and white, many keys yet to be played, to be lay out, filled with so many dreams and wishful thinking. All comes crushing down...

I got the chance again, but being me, I screwed it up. How many sorry-s can I say? How many am I allowed to say? How do I even say it?

Why can't I just close my eyes and wake up.

Why can't it all be.

why.

Just rolling down this mountain of memories, dead hopes, tears and yet laughter we shared.

Praying for one more chance, hoping, desperation.

I keep telling myself, it's time. It's time. But it's not in my time. It's in Daddy God's. He knew I wasn't ready... But right now, I really feel like I've passed the stage of just a simple apology, I owe more than that...

Lead me to where you are, just one more...

Please just one more.

I believe its all part of a grander plan. I'm on my way, on my way home.

Pictures.

If only, I could take at least 20 pictures with every single human being I know.
Cause its pictures that bring up smiles and laughter, tears of joy and misses. Its reminiscence.
where are you.. I miss you, I've not spoken to you since I returned. Cause all I need to keep my heart smiling, is you nzh aka. cmonster.

with fluttering butterfly kisses;
xoxxoxo.
MARILYN
mho.