The aftermath

If there is one thing I would like to change about myself... That would be how insecure I am. About who I am and about my relationship. Don't get me wrong, he has never cheated on me neither has he thought about another for more than he should. It's just me. It's just me, my killer thoughts and I will be upfront and honest that almost once every two months I get into this whirlpool of self-doubt, self-hate and massive struggle to not "punish" myself. To feel pain to know I am alive and that I "have paid my dues"... I won't ever kill myself, so calm down. I am not that stupid. I have more purpose to live than to deliberately take my life.

However, I think I have kept this in long enough and I want to write it all out, say it out loud and hear how silly I am. It really challenges my relationship, no doubt and it really pushes Shane but I thank God from the bottom of my heart that He has lovingly made this boy with a heart of perseverance and the spirit to fight for what he believes in. 2 years 3 months (I'm not just counting because I'm one of those crazy people who care) Instead, I am grateful for each and every day with him and Him helping both of us.

I acknowledge it is the aftermath of the mess I have been in before back in the raging teen years where emotions and heart aches were the pinnacle of life commitments that we use to think we would all keep until we die. I've loved and lost multiple times to the same person but through this I learn that God is faithful to not just me but to cookie monster too. I'm still learning to love. Every year in this relationship there is a highlight.

1st year: Learning how to let go of fears.
2nd year: Learning how to love and be loved fully (Barriers down!).
This year, it's to trust, love unconditionally and what it means to work on each others flaws together.

Oh Lord, teach me to love like You do. Teach me to forgive myself and to protect my heart and mind from the devil and his evil schemes. May I not be my own judge and standards, instead know that it is Your standards and to be grateful and acknowledge that Jesus Christ have bridge this gap for me.

Here's to you Darling, thank you so much even though I throw tantrums and take you for granted way too many times. I thank God for you every day. I love you.

Ps. BRACES COME OFF ON THE FOLLOWING MONDAY!!! WOAHHHHHH!!!!