Chapter 13: Cookie monster (Part 2: 4 bestfriends and a sheila)

(Continuation from the story, "Cookie Monster Part 1: Meeting of Zhe Hui")

This is a photo of the amazing group, JUMAPAL, the people who are my family in Singapore.

This was taken at KAP, my favourite place when I returned in January 2011 at the start of this year. MISS YOU GUYS! :)

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Title? Sheila. It is an Australian slang for lady. Female. Girl. Yeah, you get the idea.

Now that I was in Shanghai, distance was something we did not fear. Trust was there; though not knowing when will be the next time we will be seeing each other, it did not matter because well, love back then was simpler. Until...

We did not know when to stop sharing with our mutual best friend how much we really did like each other. We went on and on about it. We bragged about how infinite we felt, how much we knew (that was what my brain was telling me then. Blame the brain) we were going to make it through these 3 years without worries. I was going to make it back to Singapore in time for Secondary 5 and we will be together forever. (Sorry for the cheesiness hahaha, kids, our life are the cartoons we watch!) 3 years from then would actually be this year. This very year, 2011. We told ourselves, it was not much and it will be simple.

Zhe Hui did ask if we should be all official. I was so scared I would be getting myself deeper into this especially since I was a player (bitch) before and if I do commit now and find out I am not that serious yet... I would crush this special "DA ONE"'s heart so badly and no. No, I did not want that for this, "DA ONE!". So we came to an agreement that we would both wait, we will pull through this and get serious much later on when I return to Singapore in the year 2011.

So because we did not know when to stop, we pushed our dear mutual bestfriend, Nigel to his limits... One night when I was in the middle of my wonderful speech on how much Zhe Hui meant to me, he stopped me. "I'm sorry Marilyn, I can't take it anymore. I just can't..." I got lost, confused. What was happening? He later then sent me 4 notes. Poems. Man, he is one awesome poet. I read them and was confused. "Wait... So... So you don't like... You don't like Emporio anymore!???" "No, I have not liked her since the start of the year. It has always been you." *DRAMATIC MUSIC* Then, I loved cookie monster so much, it was beside me. I hung onto it so tightly and tears started going. I excused myself, he appeared offline (But was still on) but carried on trying to comfort the shock and anger I had against myself for being so naive and ignorant and giving him all the pain that I was causing overseas. "Don't tell Zhe Hui okay?" I could not. I had to. I just had to tell Zhe Hui because it is not fair of him to be treated this way will you not concur? So I did.

The shock in his words, the pain we had. The guilt. I needed an outlet. I turned to Emporio but she rarely comes online back then so I sent her offline messages. I turned to Amalina, she was just as shock. I turned to JunYuan but before I started pouring all my lava in me, I asked,"Whatever Nigel said about you liking me at the start of the year... Is it true? Answer me honestly because I need to know honestly." Turns out it was, I told Zhe Hui so that he would not turn to Junyuan either. The following Monday, this is when everyone did not know who knew what because they were all acting cool. Monday night at the usual 8pm where Zhe Hui would come online and I would be chatting with him he drops the 4th bomb on me. "You know, today we were playing truth or dare. It was Brandon's (Changed name for privacy sake) turn and we asked him if he had a chance to spend time with any girl in 2f who would it be... He said you..." I face palm then so hard, I could not understand those words. I then said, "You know, this is so complicating... Why is this happening..." He replied, "You're special and I am so blessed to have you liking me too." My respond? I went on about how I was a curse...

All this was spinning in my head, I did not know what to do. The guys found out that they each knew bits and stopped hanging out together. Especially Zhe Hui and Nigel because of cookie monster... Of what I said on my blog that they all use to read last time on how when I hug cookie monster, I would remember Zhe Hui. (You could still find it in my archive if you really wanted to hahaha) Best friends split. I was at a lost.

& Because of his positive character his words knocks me out once again,
"It is okay, we will work this out. Hang on okay? Go and sleep, it is late. If not not pretty later hahaha i love you =)"

To be continued.

My 17th time celebrating this date.

So this date is approaching once again... This was me last year. I realised I did not blog about my birthday last year. My 16th, it was amazing. The people who are like my second family (OCF) threw me a surprise party and the cake from Baskin Robins was just simply amazing and yes, I love the costumes they came in! :) & THANK YOU MELANIE JIEJIE for planning it. 16th, no doubt it is the best birthday. With people I would enjoy being with, Japanese food with family and rowing on my birthday last year where I was FORCED to take the scull and capsized in the -2degrees weather early in the morning before the sun came up. Unforgettable thrills.

This year, I will be completely honest here... During January till April I have been planning for my birthday. On and off I knew what theme I would have, the groups of people I would invite and what I would do. But it soon made me realise, I had too many groups of people I wanted to celebrate with and if I celebrated with one, the other groups would be like eh? And if I combined groups here and there, I would still be celebrating 2-3 times. Too extravagant. Turns out in May when I found out my examination dates, so happen my birthday falls on that very week but praise God for it being on a day I do not have any papers on. Allows me to still at least celebrate with the people who loves me, mostly, my family.

The load of studying, I can not be bothered about my birthday. The steam and excitement was gone, I am so focused on wanting to do so well I really lost my mind and childish fun. For now ;) Most of all, the wish I have been wishing for since my 14th birthday came true. I am glad and I praise God because it was what I needed to grow and to understand those I try to help at times on how it feels. :) So... Why am I such a party pooper this year especially to my family and friends? This is why, it does not matter to me now because of my drive and my results in the end will be one great birthday gift.

The greatest gift? I have already gotten it. The very day I was born. The gift of life. Being able to breathe, to see this world, to know how it is like to be loved and to taste and smell the greatest pleasures in this world, food! Most of all, to love the One who not only saw me forming in my mummy's tummy but to also touch this baby's heart, placing the burning passion to serve Him, to be a nurse... With a passion.

Papa asked me to give him 3 options with what I wanted and he would pick one to fulfill. I could not come up with 3 options. It was too hard because I was looking forward to the drive-in movies where you sit in your cars under the stars watching movies that I planned earlier but turns out, it is not too good according to Melanie or even outdoor movie is not available in winter. Ohwells... BUT! I am now looking forward to the cake I am baking for myself hahaha. YUMMMM nomnomnom :)

Chapter 10: Cookie monster (Part 1: The meeting of Zhe Hui)

This is the earliest photo that I can find on facebook of me and this group (Not everyone is here.) Those on the left are the guys that played a big part of my bestest memory back in secondary school in Singapore. I'm sorry Loysius, hahaha you look funny here. BUT I STILL LOVE YOU hahahaha. Back to the point...

Zhe Hui, Nigel, Junyuan, Amalina, Emporio... The group of friends I look forward to seeing each day in Sec 2f, 2008 ftw ;) We were a group of people who stayed back as much as possible to play, muck around and just chill. We were friends of gold and we felt invincible. We were there for each other when any of us was sad, happy or even just excited about anything and everything. I got to know Amalina a whole lot more in Dec 2007 and we are sexybutts till now. We have so many funny moments that are just priceless. When we first started school, Miss Cai XW asked us to introduce ourselves. Our name and one interesting fact.

Amalina: Hi, my name is Amalina... *Points at me* & That's my sexybutt!
Miss Cai: What? Erm okay...
*Gets to my turn*
Marilyn: My nameeeeee is Marilyn. THAT GIRL *Points at Amalina* Is MY sexybutt!
*Class laughs*

& Later we got class chairmans and class captains voting. 2 boys, 2 girls. Amalina and I got into the class committee and moments I've grown so much with her is just simply amazing.
In our group of friends (as mentioned above) we got to know each one better. We got closer, no doubt and those peeps of mine were my homies.

Nigel, I met in Secondary 1 because his sister (Alyson) is my sister's (Melanie) bestfriend in Secondary school as well. & In sec 2, we were bestfriends ourselves! ;)

Junyuan, the poor boy that Nigel had to pick on to tease that he liked me. Everyone knew it was a joke. Funny moments that Nigel made. Classic. Whatever that happens after, true or not is all history! ;)

Emporio, my favourite girl. One I can share just simply everything with. The one who nicknamed me "Slasher" for the whole year. Hahaha, good times. I love this girl to bits!

Amalina, enough said up there. ;) SEXYBUTT FOR THE WIN!

Zhe Hui, The one who always makes sure I smile everyday. The one who wouldn't allow me to stone. The one who always pull silly faces with me. The silly one who followed after my: *Points index fingers as dimples on cheek, smile* "SMILEEEEEE!!!! XD" The one I started liking in April 2008. I did everything I could to be in his group. His character and faith in God was what I fell for. I remembered talking about him 24/7 to Joey and soon Amalina. I was shy at liking a boy, I remember being so happy just spending time with him, mucking around. This went on for 2 months until I knew me moving to Shanghai was confirmed. He had no idea. But most of all... I was the one who had no idea.

The feelings had always been there as much as I was holding myself back. He'd bring lollies to school just to give them to me when he doesn't see me smiling. He'd be the one to poke me awake when I fell asleep in classes and the one who'd skip with me down corridors. The one who walked into a lamp post when we were talking, out at a field trip. The one who'd stay up with me chatting on msn. Slowly, I constantly told myself to push these feelings away. Shanghai was coming, I couldn't risk it. I still didn't believe in love just yet then because of what had happened earlier that year. Things were going fine, I managed to ignore those heart strings until...

August 9th, Singapore's National Day.
I just went for my Drama competition where we won Gold. I was starred as a little girl, amazed at high rise buildings. Hans gave me a rabbit from Build-a-bear workshop as a congratulations gift. I rushed down to meet Zhe Hui, Nigel, Junyuan, Siti Zahiya, Siti's sister, Sheenaz, Syikin and Charminn for the fireworks. When I reached the MRT station, I called Nigel, I couldn't locate where they were so Zhe Hui decided to attempt to find me. He did, he grabbed my soft toy, I held back but he replied with his cheeky smile,"I'll take it!" He offered to carry my bag as well but I declined. I was getting way too shy, he was triggering way too many heart strings hahaha. We met up with the group. He didn't allow me to carry my soft toy for the whole night. One string snap, next one now.

I was high on sugar, hyper like my usual self. We were running after fireworks and all. We did model like shots to kill time in between. We went through the photos later and at one of mine, I was just so shocked at how ugly I was. He stopped me from pressing next and said,"This looks cute." 2nd heart string snapped. I love skipping, it made me feel alive and free. I asked everyone if they would skip with me but after a while they were too tired to. We all skipped as a group but they were too tired to keep up. So I skipped a bit by myself, was slightly ahead of the group, stopped and started walking. Suddenly, an arm grabbed me and linked arms with me, pulling me to skip. It was Zhe Hui no doubt. I was taken aback, shock I turned to him and asked, "Are you not tired?" He turned, smiled and shook his head and we carried down the busy streets filled with people. People turned and pointed at both of us, smiling and sharing the joy and energy we had. 3rd heart string snapped. I slowed down and said,"I think we should stop and wait." "Nah," he replied, "They'll catch up. Don't care what people are saying, let's go!" And pulled me along. 4th heart string.

Dessert, he shared with me, then I was feeling high upon cloud 9. Going home, I was the only girl going towards the Bukit Timah direction. He told Nigel and Junyuan, "Aye, you guys better protect her ah! Make sure she don't get rape hahaha" There goes the 5th heart string. That night I'd replay in my head multiple times after. I was leaving in 5 days time. What am I to do?

2 weeks before...
Emporio (Knowing I still like Zhe Hui): I know who Zhe Hui likes!
Me: (Sad and disappointed) I don't want to know...
Emporio: I'll tell you when you leave kay! I'll write it in my last letter to you.
Me: Okay.

The class gave me a card they each wrote their own heart felt messages to me. His was one that made me smile so badly, he said "Muacks =x" and in his own card that he shared with Nigel, words I won't forget just yet. "I will miss you so much... & I know the class do too."

Nigel and him shared to buy me cookie monster. The very same cookie monster they left their name tags on. & The very same cookie monster I still hug to sleep every night since then. The way he carried cookie monster, skipping down to me and said," NAH! For you :) From Nigel and I." Nigel was at counsellor meeting then, so only Zhe Hui gave it to me. Thanked my favourite guys after.

The boy that I fell for innocently. First love they said, you'll never forget. The one I didn't dare tell because then I was a player and I was not too sure if I was out of it yet. But liking him for 4 months felt like forever. At the airport, I was saying bye to everyone. Last hugs. He did not approach me to hug until the very end. A hug so unforgettable. So tight, with so much strength, I was about to break down. The way he pressed against my back in that last hug, so happens to be where my heart is. The longest, I knew. I let go in embarrassment. He whispered, "Don't forget to love cookie monster and hug him everyday for me!" "I won't. :)". Boarded the plane, I read Emporio's letter. (Kept it till today!) So the answer is... Me. It was me after all.

Reached Shanghai in the evening. I saw him online and confronted him. He was so shy about it at first but I confessed first. I learnt, though I first fell for him in April 2008, he fell for this silly one on feb 2008. The "I love you"s after made me shriek in glee and spin and jump around. What were kids at 14 then know? Nothing but pure childhood love.

We talked that night till late and he said,"I'll wait for you... ♥I love you!!! =x"

beepbeep!

Nat, a bestie since 2007.

There's so much to do yet I've lost my driving force in me...
Shall embark on my studying train track starting from tomorrow. Internet will be down for a few days, good start to focusing.

I won't be publishing all of my "Dark forest of unwritten but lived tales" posts. Some are still too personal to me however, if you want to request for any you might want to know because you might be going through the same thing, or just curious then go ahead, I dare you to ask. & I'll still tell you on a personal basis! :) The list of contents is on the other page found on the navigation bar above. If not, just get to know me better because I want to get to know YOU better too.

Chapter 1: 2006, the beginning with influence.

(Sorry, I found no relevant picture for this hee)

In a math problem, when we don’t get the right answer at the end, we’re taught to start from the very beginning and search for that tiny mistake you made that made such a great difference in the answer later and ultimately it’s classified as, “Wrong answer” that’s marked with a red cross at the side.

So here’s the seed, the beginning of when it all started going wrong with the choices I made and the voices I tuned into. In 2006, I was still in AVA (a.k.a “Popular” from what you read in the previous post) I has always been cheeky, testing waters and always putting myself out there. 2006 I got moved to Patience 6 where a few kids in there are now labelled “Ah Bengs & Ah Lians” (Gangsters) were in as well. I’ve known these people but not personally until that very year. Of course, I mixed with them. Of course, I became one of them.

That year, I did the baddest of all sins (Or what I rated back then) and that was to steal and lie. I wanted to hang out with my friends, I wanted to stay out late, watch movies and be in arcades. (Timezone) Did I have the allowance (Money) capable to handle my expanses out of school? No. So one of my “brothers” back then, who with I hung out with too taught me to steal. (No names shall be mentioned. Security reasons.) Literally. I was on phone conference with our usual 8 people. Every night, until I sleep. We’d prank call together, we’d be swearing at each other. (But I didn’t swear. I said my f words yes but I refused to let it be my vocab… AT FIRST) My vocab eventually multiplied a million. I knew words that made no sense if you were scolding people. I mean, calling someone “vagina” (Hokkien) isn’t that bad if you think about it. In fact, it makes no sense. It just sounds crude but literally, it makes no sense at all but instead, it makes you look like the biggest, dumbest fool on the planet. BECAUSE IT MAKES NO SENSE!

I used my new found vocabulary abundantly, definitely. I said it many times to push people around me down. & I've said it to my teacher then, Mrs Chee. Called her a "bitch" in the staff room when she called mum. I got told off, of course. By the discipline master. But that anger grew so big I didn't allow myself to love her as a teacher until 1 year after I left primary school. She's a good teacher, one who has the heart, one who comes in with joy but has her stands. Probably that was what made her not part of my "favourite" list. But yes, like I said ^ up there, it's just plain weak and nonsensical. 

My first steal, I remembered from who and how much. I wrote it on my cork board back in my old house in Singapore so I’d remember this is how much I owe the person I stole from. “$50” to papa. But the week later, I needed more cash. So again, “$20” from Mummy, “$40” from papa. Week in and out the numbers just kept increasing on my board. Sums from $50 grew to $90 at most but in total, I probably owe them at least $500.

They never did question. Maybe they questioned themselves and suspected me but never did confront me. I remember how bad I felt for the first 3 steals. I would go back to their wallets and return some money. But not much, probably about $10 each time I went back. But I’m sure I still owe them about $500.

I stopped stealing after I had an allowance raise. I bargained with mum, and she agreed. This was probably 6 weeks later. I stopped going to the arcade as much and I know whenever I need money, I just have to ask nicely and my parents, being so loving and willing to grant us all the freedom in the world (as long as they know its legal and not ungodly), AGREED.

I repented, no doubt. Have I told them? No. Maybe next time when I’m much older. But this wasn’t the start of being back to the angel child. Like I said, this was the beginning of the dark forest of unwritten but lived tales. How? I DIDN’T STOP LYING. Lying, like a seed planted within fertile soil. Springs, but its not flowers blooming. It’s weeds. Weeds growing fast, hard to rid and roots grow so thick and deep…

At this point, I lied about everything and anything. Unnecessary or “necessary” I did it anyway. It got bad till the point my family themselves couldn’t trust me. In summary, it took me 1.5 years to fully be able to not lie unconsciously anymore. But it took me 3 years to not be able to lie anymore. That when I do, I blush or I’m not myself.

So to you who’s reading this and you tend to lie here and there... The journey of giving up lying might be tough but it’s the journey worth and necessary to go through so you don’t live lies but you outshine them and live in truth and your relationships with people would improve in abundance. You wouldn’t be a hypocrite anymore.

I couldn't have done it without God. I struggled. Like I said, it's tough. Very tough especially now the devil, the father of lies, knows you're moving further away from him. Keep pushing on, pray because if God is for and with you, who could be against you? :)

Chapter 4: A bitch's tale. & Chapter 5: The twins.

Chapter 3 and 4 of where it all started for me and relationships.
I was talking to this "twin" of mine, also known as Rayner, today on What'sapp. We're pretty tight now, we've gone through so much as strangers, friends, boy/girlfriends and now as close friends, "Twins".

It hasn't always been like this.
In the year 2007, after starting Secondary 1 a boy named James started talking to me a lot. He has been in my junior/primary school and have been in my class in Primary/Year 5 and 6. When we were in primary school, we barely talked. To me, he was such a shy boy I tried so hard to include him in activities we had. But when we got to Secondary 1 (Year 7), in one of our text conversation he calls me up and mentions he has been crushing on me since primary 4. I was taken aback cause I never knew he existed then. I asked him, "How was that possible?" He says he knew my name, how I was like through his friends and how he sees me with during recess and such. (I was AVA club, its like PA and whoever who was there were known to be "popular" as it was such a rare opportunity to get into) Thus, people knew people in AVA club. I rejected him at first but had childish ideas of letting go of Yong Quan (The guy I liked in Primary 6) through him. I mean, what did I know? Silly. So I accepted him eventually.

To cut it short, it wasn't great. It lasted for a month of... Nothingness. I hurt him so bad, (bitch) he probably knew I never did like him and probably caused his world to crumble cause we didn't talk for the rest of the year but cause I was his "first sweetheart" (bitch) he constantly asked my friends about how I (bitch... SHESH!) was doing.

About 1 month later, I got closer and closer to Rayner. He liked my friends and all and like me, he too was childish but what I didn't know then... He's always serious when he asks a girl out. But just like any young boy, he moves on fast. (THANK GOD HE'S NOT LIKE THIS ANYMORE.) So he asked me out and I said yes. Did I really like him? Was I serious? No. I didn't like him, I wasn't serious. I was just plain playful and then I had the impression he was a player.

On June 3rd 2007 (My 13th Birthday) at 12am ++ He asked me out. Later that day we went to Jurong East (The ice skating place), watched a movie (I don't remember the movie) and lost my first kiss there, got my birthday gift from Sarah destroyed and dumped (I was too weak to stand up for her then. I'm sorry Sarah...) by the people who then had issues with her and we headed to Bukit Timah shopping centre McDonalds for supper. 5 days later, Rayner grew a little cold. I didn't know why then but I wanted to express my fake sadness and that was when I started slashing. I started with scissors to pen knives, to rusty pen knives then metal ca-... (Okay that's another story. I'll come to that soon. Stay tuned ;D) He burnt his hand at YunXin's birthday party and cause we were already in a cold war, it was just weird. I didn't know what to do. My girlfriends urged me to go and comfort him. We broke up about 1.5 weeks after we got together. (For the dumbest reason on his side :P & He initiated the break up through Yun Xin! JERK :P HAHAHA) Later that week, we got into a huge argument between Sarah, Rayner and I. He went back to liking her later. I admit, I'm a physical love language person and I did miss this person not because I really liked him but because of being loved. (Selfish? I know.. BITCH. But I guess like all girls, we want to know we're appreciated, loved and beautiful and we seek these judgements from the opposite gender.)

That's the end of our friendship in 2007.
Later I got together with Isaac Goh. Okay, that's the next chapter!
Our friendship didn't patch back till I left for Shanghai in August 2008. He spoke to me on msn and I was honestly surprised. I thought he hated me and all sort of anger against me. I didn't hate him (I "should" have cause that time I thought he played me) I just thought it was weird between us. But we set it right again, we started talking more, started sharing more and our friendship blossomed into close friends in 2009. We got even closer in 2010 and now, we're tight. :) There are times we stay up talking late at night because of the unlimited things we catch up on or just share that's happening in our lives. I've seen him grow a lot since the first day I met him. The honesty we have between each other is bright, plain and simple. Just very honest with each other and our own personal struggles.

When I went back in 2011, he started liking me again and all his cheeky "I don't regret..." but after that stage and me leaving for Perth again, he confessed honestly again. Yet, this time we didn't screw it up. We kept it straight and simple. We kept to our boundaries and knew how our future wouldn't intertwine that way ever again. We've gone through so much nonsense and rubbish together and now, we have a friendship of platinum.

PS. When I went back to Singapore in 2011, I learnt that he was serious with me and I was the player. I played him thinking he was playing me. (OH WHAT A BITCH! OTL) I said my honest and genuine apology. & Now, we laugh it all off.

& I STILL MISS YOU TWIN! :)

Remember what I told you today. Don't forget, He's still waiting! :P LOVES!

Chapter 14: Anorexic

This is me with Hansika, 2 years and 4 months ago. You see the droopy eyes (drug-like) I have on? That's distress right there. Here is me coming clean once again. That's me slowly but surely coming out of the down hill, dark past I had. Why are they droopy? Cause I was weak then, not much energy in me. I was anorexic, my heart wasn't at peace, I miss missing Ashim (my bi then) and yet having a whole part of me still stuck back in Singapore, having issues with friends and Zhe Hui and all that that's not settled.

So here's my story on anorexic and why I went into it.

I was in depression that I've been taken away from friends I love so much and was practically my life and family. I lived the life of the world, one that has gone of the rails so far, you wouldn't believe I was a Christian back then. (This is another story) But here I am telling you, we Christians fall, we're humans after all. We're no better, we're no where suppose to be proud and arrogant. So I was in depression, crying more and more as I hung unto the past and even more when I look at Cookie monster then. (This is also another story) I lost my appetite, & relating to the cookie monster story, I felt ugly, fat (Like any girl), not worthy of anyone let alone God's love, a slut (Another story...), guilt of what I did relating to the cookie monster story, I felt alone and someone who isn't a "somebody" anymore. Slowly from the losing of appetite and the continuous refusal of food satisfied my loud speaking mind, I didn't know I was entering the stage of anorexic. It made me feel happy, the little sick joy I was getting from it because I have a high tolerance of pain, thrills as such satisfied my sadistic craving of self harm I used to have. (This too is part of the story where I wasn't truly a  Christian)

I would look at what the world called "beautiful" and look at myself, constantly asking why can't I be like that. People, especially friends and relatives would look at me and say,"Wow, you've lost a lot of weight!" I didn't think much then but felt proud of myself. I remember weighing 48kg. Before that, I was 56kg. & I was 1.66m tall then. Definitely underweight. If you look back at the posts in 2007 (I blogged since I was 11 but this blog dates back to where I've already fallen away from God and through the journey of fake smiles and all that) you'd find this sad girl hiding in a shell after knowing this fact.

So back to anorexicsm, Melanie came Shanghai to visit late 2008. She looked at me and she knew something was wrong. The first thing she said was, "Why do you look so sick!?" I just shrug and walked away. (Yeah, I was really quiet when I was in Shanghai. Told you, depression) She bought loads of tidbits oh which I turned down most. She had to bargain with me so that I'd have some. I did, but that was it. The taste of potatochips was so foreign, it was disgusting. One day, she looked at me and said, "MARILYN. I know what you are doing. STOP IT and eat." I gave her the devil stare and said, "I'm not hungry!" and walked away.

Soon, she left. We later moved to Perth, start of 2009. For the first 7 months to be exact, all I brought to school for recess and lunch was 1 muesli bar. That was it. Occasionally I'd get ice cream with my girlfriends but that was it. My friends joked about me being anorexic, and we'd laugh it off. But this solid rock in my throat reminded me that it's true. I was anorexic, I was. I knew it then. The more they joked, the more I knew they were right but the fatter I felt with each extra bite I had for dinner.

Soon, Melanie moved to Perth. I'm not sure if she truly knew what I placed myself in but she did make me eat more. She made me love food again. & one thing she said that stuck to me till today is, "Life is short, just eat and enjoy! Don't starve yourself!" Thank you er jie. :) Since then, I started bring a little more to school. Since my 48kg, I increased till 56kg again and after rowing, fats weren't the problem, instead muscles are my weight and I'm proud of it. Now, I'm 58kg, healthy, active and out of self harm.

Through it all, Daddy God has been there. OF COURSE! For this matter, He showed me that I'm not alone. That I'm not ugly, that I was made in HIS image, that I'm loved no matter what I do or how bad I've been before by Him who is LOVE HIMSELF. What more can I ask for? Cause He's reminded me, to Him I'm beautiful and the world's view of beauty is just so over rated. ;) So you, you who's reading this,

YOU'RE AWESOME, BEAUTIFUL/HANDSOME AND AMAZING. I pinkie promise! ^-^

Love.

I found this, I'm not sure if I've posted this in my blog before. But here you go. Here's tab and joy! 

School's starting so sooooooon!

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I've recently read an article through my fellow ocf blogger friend :)

Here it is: http://www.bible-knowledge.com/fruits-of-the-holy-spirit/

& I've decided. I'm going to challenge myself to start nurturing the different fruits of the Spirit within myself. Some needs more work than others but definitely, ALL needs nurturing.

So this is how I'm going to do it. I'm going to work exceptionally hard on one for the week, of course with the other fruits along but super duper uber cautious of one. & By the end of this journey, it's going to be so imparted in me, I'd polish myself up and continue to shine for God!

& You're welcome to watch me on this journey! & This week...

... is LOVE!

lets go! ^-^b

When you said those 3 heart felt words.

You have no idea how much I love this guy. My 4 heroes, gonggong, da jiujiu(Mum's dad and Oldest brother) papa and grandpapa. :)
Just a baby, I looked into those eyes of love and slowly I drift to sleep in your arms.
You held me like gold, you held me like a treasure.

You left for the market with Ah neh and came back. Seeing me at the gate you asked me to get Mercy to open it for you. Being the cheeky me since young, I looked at you with all seriousness saying,"Mummy not home. Daddy not home." & didn't allow you in with those heavy groceries you held. Soon Mercy came to the rescue.

I grew a little too heavy for your arms but I was always on your lap. If not, running around. & I'd be climbing things, jumping from the table to the hard solid bed believing I was spiderman and You'd always say, "Sam seng mah!" (English: Tom boy) and we'd fall and laugh.
We'd play games with ah neh. & I'd disturb you while you take your afternoon naps.
But the time spent with us was limited, you always had to go.

Return to Sydney and I always next looked forward to when you'd return again.
I was 4, I was excited you just came from the airport and I wanted to show you my favourite new stunt that I could cart wheel. I bent sideways a little too far and fell. Hitting my head on the edge of your bed, I cried. You came running to me with Ah neh and laughing at my silliness.

Your pills, I always insisted on feeding you. Your health supplement I was so tempted to eat myself but you'd say it's for old people not "xiao gou" (English: puppy [Because I'm born in the year of the dog])
& You left again.

Soon, I could ride my bike without falling and we'd go to the play ground together when you return. I'd watch you have your tea ever so often and experimenting with Ah neh's half boiled eggs. Putting in wine, putting in soy sauce etc etc.

We'd go for a swim together at aunt's place. & one unfortunate event I was gonna do a poop right there and then and you had to grab me out of the pool.
We'd fold air planes together and see who's plane went the furthest.
I made a gun one day out of paper and you made me feel like the smartest kid on earth.

We watched chinese shows together before I get picked up again.
You let me watch you brush your teeth and play with your old dental stuff.
While growing up, you asked me what I wanted to be. I'd always say missionary and the smile you had reassured me, I was gonna get there one day. & I will be the missionary I use to tell you all about, changing the world. You laughed and asked me why not dentist just like you. I thought that wasn't as good as missionary. Oh, what did I know?
& You left.

Sending you off at the airport I remembered losing my favourite gold mickey mouse necklace to that old changi airport fountain. I remembered crying on the way home.
I would wake up early when you guys were over. Other than that, I'd have never have been able to see papa getting ready for work cause I'm such a pig.

I grew older and more rebellious, I found you evil at one point cause you constantly chased chelsea. Oh, oh, oh so silly. We made abacus and little yellow skin thing with mince meat in the middle together. I remember you feeding me too when I was little.

& in the year 2006 when you finally returned again, I changed so much. I grew so much. I became a monster you didn't get to see often. I snuck out of school then, went out after school and coming home so late. You were upset, I didn't care then. You asked the others and they tried telling me to stop but I didn't listen. Until you left again.

I grew older and mature much more, & I enjoyed every visit I had with you again.
But when I started treasuring them once more, they got shorter and shorter, lesser and lesser. Whenever you called, I asked if you'd be coming to Perth. You'd say maybe. But later I learnt the real answer, the real reason. I keep hoping though. You always call us, I don't remember or even dare say I've ever called you on my own accord. I see Daddy God's love through you. It's amazing and just so real.

I know this might sound weird but I'm proud of you. Who you are, your faith in God and all. I'm proud to be your grand daughter. Especially how much you dote on me. A lot a lot.
I love you grand daddy. Ah Tah, I can't wait to see you in December.
I miss you too.