Chapter 15: A bitch's tale 2 (Pad) + Cookie monster (Part 3: For a friend and pain)

This following story is rated: "BRAIN FART"
It contains a series of unfortunate events and truths of Marilyn's reality.

In the year 2008, it was the year that was most significant to me. It's the year that God completed His patch work from the land mine I planted the year before and blew myself up, the year a friend shook my life, the year I liked a boy and was seriously serious and the year, that pushed me to a point I thought had no return.

But this part today is just about boys, more boys and a friend.

(Continuation from: Cookie monster (Part 2: 4 best friends and a sheila))

Promises made between Zhe Hui and I. Questions were popped but smart decisions were made. He asked if I would be his, we talked about it, came to a conclusion that not yet, but we'll wait for each other. I mean, 3 years later I'd be back, its OK, I know I am serious about this person but fears in me, built and engulfed my being. 


I was a player before, how do I know for certain that I wouldn't play with this guy? So what if I liked him since April? It's only been 4 months of liking and the desire to want to share my life with this person was still burning strong. But how could you compare that with 3 years that's ahead of us? 3 years, I know if we get together now, I'd bound to break his fragile heart. "You're the first girl I really love. You showed me that I am more than who I thought I was, you showed me the world from a different perspective. You're just so different." <--- Heart strings SNAP! SNAP SNAP! 


"I'll wait for you, its ok. We will make it through this =)" Yeah, 3 years later I will be in sec5, 2011. 3 years, I will still return to the same school I left. I will be back to where he was, I can do this! I'll tell you blatantly honest, Zhe Hui, read this or not, I know you know this. To me, you caught me off guard, after I got played at the end of January 2008, I told myself I will never get into a relationship ever again. Love is bullshit, who needs it, its a waste of time. I knew I was strong enough to fly solo all the way, die alone, its okay, I've got family and friends who love me. You showed me what it meant to love. I've never learnt love in practical terms properly since my relationships from the very start were all based on playing already. You showed me what it meant to be serious about God. You showed me what it meant to forgive my family, you showed me what it meant to love them especially and you showed me what it meant to care about my future instead of just being the usual me of mucking around and making a fool of myself. You showed me what it meant to fight for what I know is worth, just have faith. 


For this, I knew Zhe Hui was different. I knew, he wasn't like any other guys. I knew, he meant every word he said. He was so honest and so caring... Who was I kidding? He's "DA ONE!"

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"Marilyn? Do you still like Zhe Hui?" Was the question that stopped my thoughts. It came from a friend... No, not just any friend. A friend that was my best friend at the end of sec1 2007 and at the start of 2008. We did everything together. We went out together, went for drama classes together, lunch together, sleepovers together, gaming together and staying awake for numerous nights in a row just for the fun of it. 


Our friendship stopped abruptly on the second week of April 2008. We didn't talk for the rest of the time I was in Singapore, though I tried writing letters. I cried, honestly because losing a best friend isn't easy I'll say. It's hard and soon you learn that, don't give up because I knew I needed this person in my life. She claimed she didn't care about me. She tried proving it by swearing at me, saying I was using people etc etc. But we patched it up awkwardly at the airport when I was leaving for Shanghai. She turned up, I was surprised and when it came to hugging, I teared when she came forward. Conclusion, we became best friends again after I left till this very day. :) She's someone I don't want to lose again. Ever. & I mean those words.


So when she asked me that question, I froze and thought to myself... "She likes him! SHE LIKES HIM... I've lost 3 other friends (the 3 guys that somehow liked me) I can't lose her again..." My reply: "Erm... No... not anymore, why? :)" "Oh, haha cause I think I'm starting to like him. Now I see why you like him before haha :$" 

WHY... WHYYYY? WHY!? WHYYYYYYYY!?

maybe I'm not meant to be with this person... I should give up now before its too late... Friends before guys, I've told myself that since the very start...

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Next day at SSIS, in Chinese class, boys were playing with crushed paper balls at the back of the class, near where I was seated. One boy, named Padrick threw one under my chair. I picked it up, threw it back and they were all: OOOOOOO o-o and continued.

Went home, came online:

*MSN SOUND: NEW FRIEND REQUEST!*

Padrick wants to be friends, do you accept or ignore?

*Click accept*

Padrick: Hey :)

-fast forward conversation-

Padrick: Will you be my girlfriend?

Me: Wait what? I don't even know you... I didn't even know you existed until you added me on msn...

Padrick: It's ok, we'll get to know each other along the way.

Me: Sorry... I can't... I kinda still like someone else... Just... I don't know, I need time to figure all this out.

Padrick: Alright, I'll be your korkor then.

Me: Yeah, ok.

>> 1 week later <<

Padrick: I really like you, will you please be my girlfriend?

Me: I told you, I like someone else...

Padrick: It's ok, I don't care if you don't like me now. You'll get to know me even better later.

Me: I really can't...

Padrick: Just give me a shot please?

Me: I'll think about it...

>>>>>>> NEXT DAY <<<<<<<

Me: Padrick asked to me to be his girlfriend... What is he like?

A and C: Give him a shot, he's really nice! :)

Me: I don't know... He's so persistent... I don't want to hurt him :\

A and C: Well, he's sad now, why don't you go for it and see?

Me: *sigh* ok. #I really want my friendship with JLee, I guess I have to give up something...#

~That night~

Padrick: So will you be my girlfriend?

Me: um yes..

*A few days more passed, talked more to Padrick*
To cut it short, I found out which primary school he went to and I knew exactly who went to that primary school before and linked them back together and they started talking again because they lost contact after Padrick moved to Shanghai.


So that person that went to his primary school was JY, one of the guys of the 4 best friends. JY asked how did Padrick meet me, Padrick answered: She's my girlfriend!
Cut it even shorter, now my whole school in Singapore found out that I wasn't with Zhe Hui, and soon Zhe Hui found out. Once he found out, he didn't talk to me. I understand, I didn't tell him anything... I still liked him but now that's forbidden because of what's happening. I ruined 4 guys friendships with each other and I could have ruined my friendship with my friend that means a lot to me, once again... I didn't want that... So we didn't talk for 4 months since. Upset, yes, this was the start of my Anorexia. Sick to the core, I couldn't eat. I felt ugly, too hard upon myself, I cried too often to even comprehend reasons. Everything was broken... But I kept a constant look out for Zhe Hui still. I constantly asked friends about him; friends that knew this deep dark secret within me that I still had the heart for Zhe Hui, and only Zhe Hui.


*Singing tune: BITCHHHHHHHHHHH~* Yes, I know but I kept honest through out my whole relationship with Padrick. Whenever he asked if I liked him yet, I would say, "A little, I'm trying. I need time..." JLee, my best friend again, in October 2008 said, "I really like him eh! I think I might ask him if he could be my boyfriend." Well, I cried that night. Someone I really wanted yet couldn't have. I've caused this, no one should know. Starve myself even more, I hate myself. Cutting down 1 meal at first then to not eating completely... My best friend with my other best friend I'm mad about... "All the best! Jiayous! YOU CAN DO IT! :D" was what I replied. I was broken, cried insanely, found all the odd reasons to break up with Padrick because I couldn't take it and I didn't want him to think my swollen eyes were because of him. So I did. I broke up with him...


Not a pretty sight... The next day, eyes swollen, friends run up to me saying he's emo-ing somewhere. He left my fave shanghai drink: Wang lao ji, strawberry pocky (I loved pocky, he bought me one every week. But I didn't like strawberry, so I gave it to my friend, C *BITCHHHHHH~* yeah yeah, I know... :\) and a hand-made sunflower under my desk. Cause I like sunflowers with a heart behind. Ran about school, finally, found him at the very spot where we shared moments. Slashing, shackled, eyes swollen too. On his arm he has carved my name on it. I remember wishing I only had 1 letter in my name because looking at the bloody "marilyn <3" was ugh. Friends left to allow us to talk. Talked to him and left him crying without a penknife. I broke it and threw it away. 2 weekends later, some went kbox and I didn't. They ordered alcohol and drank. He was one of them. He got drunk, (Shall save the embarrassing bits) cried my name over and over and started calling me. Conclusion, he started shouting "bitch" as well... Next day found him covered in more blood with bloody "Marilyn"s again. He offered if I got back with him, he'd stop... So... Got back with him for another 2 weeks and broke up with him again. *BITCHHHHHHHHHH ALERT!!!!!!*


I continued asking about Zhe Hui, he blog hopped and soon I could not trace his blog. He never came online, left many offline messages... No replies...


5 Months later, I see him come online! *HAPPYGIRL!!!*
Didn't say much, he told me JLee asking him out but he rejected. (I knew that, JLee was telling me how he sucks now hahaha) He became very suicidal , saying everyone hates him... He asked me if I was with anyone... 

"Yes, I am. His name is Ashim..." 

"Oh, haha. Last long! :)"

LPG's birthday. The day Padrick finds out LPG likes him, (They got together later) and the day where marks the 2nd day I was with Ashim.

to be continued.