what the world thinks.

I wrote this ages and ages ago. & its time to publish it:

"FAT" a common word heard among people of all generations. Some may not just let it be a word they use but also a point they add in their new year's resolution. Just watched a video about this girl "rant about fat bitches" as so she says. She labels herself "thick" and "boys like thick girls. They go for thick girls" and "Just accept you're fat. Not thick." Sad but isn't that how this warp world revolve? Many people struggle with this "harsh reality". Guys and girls, we all do. Guys want to be bulk and tank while girls, skinny and model like. Why so? So we could get judged by the opposite sex and feel approved? Or like some, just feel better about ourselves?

I admit, I have been there, I have mentioned the word many times, I have done ridiculous things in hopes to lose this "fat". Its alright to be cautious for health reasons but how skinny is skinny enough? I've just come to realise, that even if I am as skinny as that model out there, I know I still wouldn't feel satisfied. Some of you that have been following my blog might have already come to the knowledge that I use to anorexic. I started off that way because of depression of moving but I'm the sort that when I get into a habit, a mindset, I am fixed and its hard to get me out of. When I eventually got out of that "dark time", out of the depression, I struggled to get out of my starving ways. When I forced myself to eat all 3 meals a day, by night fall I will hit myself with huge disappointments and self reprimanding to a point I would not eat for the next 1-3 days. When the dark period left, I was a wrecked child. Pretty much weak and sick looking. But then, the old ways stuck. It became the result of "looking fat" or having that normal roll around my tumtum when I sat. Silly, ridonkulous and stupid. Its been 3 years since I was coming out of that old way. I've been saying, "recovery" and honestly, I am improving yet on occasions, I still honestly do it. Through out these 5 years, hearing people say, "Marilyn! Eat more!" or "Marilyn, EAT!!" it made me hit that point where I remembered I was 9 years old, in my Auntie's house, visiting my grandparents who came over from Sydney and walking down her stairs our conversation went like this... I was telling them about all the junk I ate and my Auntie asked, " Are you scared to grow fat?", I looked up at her and laughed, "NO! I don't care if I do. As long as I get to eat, I can lose them all later! I don't care if I'm fat!" "What if no one like you, how?" "Someone who will marry me if I am fat must really like me then." "Then he deserves you!" "YES!".

Looking back, that conversation, so innocent and honest. What happened since? Well we all grow up having our mind 70% of the time focused on losing weight.. Why?

Watching that video, it made me feel sad while conversations with friends about them wanting to lose more weight sunk so deep. I then reflected, know I am still struggling having been ashamed but it hit me so hard when I dropped a size at the start of the year.. That was then a wake up call to get out... But I'm still RECOVERING...

My very first hospital admission.

As some of you guys know, I was admitted to hospital on the 25th August 2012 for my inflamed appendix. Yep, I had appendicitis. Don't ask me how it happened.. It just did. I have no clue what got in that blistering sucker but hey, I thank God it did because I met the most amazing people ever...

Here's my letter to them. I was very upset to a point of crying that I didn't get to thank these amazing people... This is the least I could do for now but in time to come, I wish to actually do something for them. Probably after WACE... Here we go:

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Though my stay in the hospital was short and sweet and though I possibly was the second youngest to be admitted into hospital that day, I sure am glad and definitely blessed to be served by a bunch of passionate, amazing, friendly, heart-warming and personally inspiring people.

To the people that prepared my meals: WOW. Amazing food though I didn't have my full appetite but I sure wish I did so that I could enjoy every single molecule that was lovingly prepared by you guys. For personalising it in a way that I wanted out of that ever so diverse and yummy menu. Wanted everything, no doubt but had to pick what would best benefit me. Thank you so much for serving me with joy like the brightest sunshine. What can I say? It literally was breakfast in bed! Thank you so much for putting my meals together and for ensuring I had the best of nutrients too. Wish I knew all of your names so I could thank each and every one of you personally.

To the nurses: The group of people that touched me most during those short 3 days. Even though about half the time I was either still knocked out from the anaesthetic or just simply exhausted and sleepy, you guys really inspired me. Nursing is one heck of a tough job but you guys didn't allow that to be shown through your actions. Every smile and every warm touch really reminded me as to how blessed I was to be under your care. There were about 8 of you that have come into contact with me during my stay there and helped me in various ways from changing my drips, helping me off my bed, turning my lights off while i dozed off, gave me my pain killers, adjusted my bed, helped me turn on the amazing tele with such vast choices of movies that I could enjoy and to just simply coming in to check on me. Truly a humbling job that you guys left me in awe. I left the hospital upset that I couldn't thank each and every one of you personally but here are the few three that out of my drowsiness I can probably remember your formal introductions: Robbie, Nibby and Sarah (The one that pushed me from the ED to my ward) I would especially like to thank Robbie. Your actions have really left something in me. Am deeply moved by your enthusiasm to work at such weird hours, 11pm till 5am and how you were so patient with me and helped me while I struggled with my fresh wounds that very night after I aroused from my anaesthetic. Doesn't sound like much but you have really impacted me. I thoroughly enjoyed your presence that very first night where I wanted to just talk to you and how loving you were towards me. There are few more nurses that have always done a lot for me but I would have really liked to thank each and every one of you personally as well. Truly am grateful. The one that placed that cold liquid up my bum, yes, isn't a pleasant job but really thankful.

Mr D Cooke and his team that operated on me:
Thankyou for watching over me as you operated on my appendix and took out that inflamed mess in me. Though I didn't get as much contact with you guys as compared to the nurses, I really am grateful that you guys operated on me with such joy and passion that seemed to be renewed everyday. You assured me and gave me so much faith to know that you guys would definitely do a wonderful job. To Mr Cooke, though I could barely talk while I was there, your jokes definitely did hurt. Physically! Just like how you took me like your very own "daughter" as you operated on me, I am glad and definitely blessed to have that "father" ensuring that the procedure will go well. I'll make sure that one day, I will be in that list of people you mentioned to me before my operation! Probably not as an athlete though. But in all compliments, thank you. Oh and greatly appreciate the dvd of my operation! Its just like the magic school bus in me. THANK YOU :)

Thank you all for making my stay at Murdoch Hospital - St John of God one that is unforgettable, not just because I would have a scar to remind me, but also one that deeply impacted me in my heart. & I am sure I have missed out many but really, am sincerely thankful that God allowed me to have my appendix taken out at such a blessed place with amazing people.

God Bless,
Marilyn Ho.

28th August 2012.



I will post my adventure in due time. For now, I really want to let the world know, people with such hearts are truly, awe-inspiring.