its just one of those days.

So much has happened since the last time I blogged. Amazing, great, fine and bad. Ever since WACE has ended for me, (which really is actually exactly a month ago) I've been packed, day in and out I have not actually had a day for myself to stay home and when that happened today, it suddenly placed a massive pause in my life as if I've forgotten where I am, who I am and what's happening to me.

Ripples.

I'm going to stop being a rip in the sea. I'm going to stop resisting the waves, I'm going to be a ripple, I'm going to let the waves mould me, guide me and carry me through where I don't know where I'll next appear, what's my next step and when I'll be there. To impact like a ripple, silent and gentle but powerful, where ever I may be. To be still and wait.

Be my wave Lord.

Appendix adventures!

Got admitted to the hospital on 25th August 2012, Saturday afternoon for my appendix inflammation.

Lets take a rewind to try to figure out what I did that could possibly be the cause...

Wednesday: School, Carousel with Kalem, Shane and Sherrie. We were all craving brownies so we were going to make some awesome brownies and be happy fat babies. Sherrie and I went to KMart to get our photo booth photos printed while Shane and K went to Coles to buy them ingredients. Headed to mine, baked brownies, Shane ate 5 (That was 3/4 his dinner...), Sherrie went home for dinner but the guys stayed at mine for dinner.

Shane left after dinner, K and I played Mario for the rest of the night till 11ish. We were... VERY high...

-Marilyn was still fine then. Okay, moving on.-

Thursday: School, there wasn't flexi for me as we had our umat lady coming in to talk to us about our Tisc applications. Went home after, baked red velvet cupcakes in jars for Jackie's birthday :) Took 4 hours and Puan came home. Had our pan dinner or fried noodles and I had my pumpkin too! :) Didn't sit for dinner. Wasn't having a slight tummy ache OH maybe its gastric.

-Should be fine. Moving on.-

Friday: School, home and tummy was still in a little pain and discomfort. Maybe I'm malnourished... Shall eat more veg! Had no appetite but still ate veg. Parents are back :D Mummy guessed gastric. She hates my eating patterns that she assumes when I am home alone... Mummy applied medicated oil on my tummy and gave me a nice tummy rub. 

-Hopefully the medicated oil works! :D-

4am Saturday morning...: *WAKES UP IN ACUTE PAIN* Realises I fell asleep while talking to someone on the phone, wakes person up and start groaning in pain. Person suggests to call mum. TOOK ME AN HOUR TO AGREE. 5am, calls mum's mobile phone... She finally picks up and asks what's wrong and I start groaning and crying in pain. She comes in, pop me some abdominal pills went to sleep for another 3 hours.

3 hours later: INTENSE PAIN. Hobbles out of bed, collapse on couch in front of dad. Cries for GP, dad wanted to wait hoping medication would kick in. Then I begged for the GP. 3 of us, in half pjs (trackies. I was in my pjs), piled in the car and off to find a GP that actually is open on Saturday. YES. It's PERTH, GPs that open on Saturdays are RARE.

Went to the nearest hospital, PACKED with sick people as they all watch me hobble and struggle my way through the door. Dad suggests to call our family GP (He doesn't usually work on Saturdays) BAM HE WAS IN! OMG HE WAS IN!!! THANK YOU GOD THANK YOU GOD. Wait. He's pack! OH NO! But can't be as pack as this hospital! OKAY OFF WE GO. 

People watched me hobble out. Must have been the most entertaining sight they had all morning because everyone was actually watching...

DIED IN CAR. BAM! GP! Felt nostalgic, went to the toilet with mum. Sat on floor, pain was intense. Mum pulled me up from the awful toilet floor. Was about to faint. Collapsed on mum. They dragged me to the other GP's (that's not in) room and I fell onto the bed. Felt so exhausted. Knocked out. But could still hear people but can't open eyes. Nurse commented on how tired I seem to be :|

GP is finally done! Ready for me. They got me up and into his office. He checked everything and said its a suspected appendicitis. He suggests 2 hospitals that are close by that could check and operate on me. Parents picked the private hospital as it was nearest. OFF TO MURDOCH! He gave me pain killers first. MAN THEY INDEED ARE PAIN KILLERS.

Reached the hospital at 1. Waited till 3pm because I told them my pain level was 3/10, 10 being the most intense pain ever in the universe. (Every single medical associated person I came into contact with that day asked me to rate my pain..) I started freaking at 2.30 because I started to feel the pain coming back to me. Pain killers were wearing off. FINALLY into the emergency department! Got changed into my hospital gown! Laid in my first ever hospital bed! Waited for nurse Sarah to return. Blood pressure. Oxygen levels. Blood test (to see if its appendix). Drips. No eating, no drinking. I lost 6 kg that very day... Urine test.

ED doctor came in to check on my suspected appendix. Press press press tummy. Presses near appendix I nearly punched him in reflex. He looked up with glee, "YEP! Highly likely appendix!" Everyone left. Parents went to grab lunch. Nurses attended to the next 5 people that came in after me. They were all sports related. I was still on my drip, they wanted my pee so bad they increased my drip speed to get more water in me. Finally after 2 hours I gave them my pee. OFF I WENT! I was on pain killers, lying on the bed, nurse pushed me to my ward. What you see in movies, the lights pattern. I felt like a movie star in a hospital scene. Clearly I was excited.

Nurse pushed me to the adult ward... "Room 7?" "Nope, there is someone in there. Is this Marilyn?" "Yep" "St Gabriel's!" And off to St Gabriel's ward which was just a short walk. My surroundings of abstract art turned to cute teddies, rainbows and flowers. Where was I? "Marilyn?" "Yep." "Room 12!" and into Room 12 I went. WAIT... Why do I have teletubbies on my wall..? :| My door had a pelican :) Like my address! I get my own tele! My own room! My own huge ass bathroom and toilet! Swap beds. The bed was JUST NICE for my height. "Hahahaha Marilyn... You are in the kiddy ward." Dad said with such joy.

Nurses hooked me up to more drips. More blood tests. More oxygen level tests.

5.40pm. Soon Dr Cooke came in. He is one humorous guy. So bubbly and light-hearted. Explains the whole procedure of my operation and everything I needed to know. Kind of like a briefing.

"We will put a little camera in you and have a look at your liver, colon, appendix, ovaries and many more!" "DO I GET TO WATCH TOO? :D" "Uh... no. But I could pop it on a dvd for you!" "DEAL!" "But you might get motion sick. I will try not to move too much" (I got my awesome dvd of my whole procedure!)

"Every operation has its risk. But to not operate in this case is a even greater risk. Let's hope your appendix have not exploded." Mum, "Well, looks like you have to do a good job then haha" "Of course, I will operate on Marilyn like she's my very own daughter."

These words have left such great impact on me. That's the kind of doctor I aspire to be. One that loves every single patient I get to come in contact with. "I have done over 2 hundred appendix operations. One was an Olympic athlete, since has been winning many medals. Another was also in the Olympics but since... Has not won anything..." I laughed. One day, I am going to be one of the people he mentions to his patients awaiting appendix removal!

6.15 more Hollywood hospital scene in my head as I was being pushed down to the holding room where I am being prepared for my operation. My hair in one of those caps. Have my cool white operating stockings on (prevents clots in legs), meeting of Mr Lim, an aesthetician that was going to knock me out and into the operating theatre at 6.30pm. I challenged myself to keep awake. Opened my eyes to the biggest possible. He inserts liquid. I feel it coming on!  Open eyes even bigger!!! BAM. I knocked out. "Damn it" I thought before I dozed off. Had one weird dream alright. Woke up in recovery room 1.5 hours later... Looking drowsier than this:

with oxygen mask on because oxygen count was low and need to rid the anaesthetic still in my blood. I fell asleep again. But was definitely excited to be having my first ever experience with an oxygen mask. Sleep sleep sleep. I really wanted mummy and papa. They pushed me back to my room. Was still sleeping. Woke up. Went back still drowsy. Off to lala land once more. Woke up and mummy and papa were here now. Still drowsy. More sleep for Marilyn. 

Woke up at 12am. Whatsapp many many people that were concerned. That was when I took that picture up there to show everyone that I was alright. Yes, I can still look fabulous after an operation hahahahahaha. Nurse came in to change my drip. That was when I met the most amazing lady. Robbie. She taught me how to get out and into bed. (I was in a lot of pain :|) She helped me change out of my robe and into some comfy home pjs. She changed my drips. She taught me the tele channels and its movies. She accompanied me that night. I didn't want to sleep. I feel in deep adoration for her. I started talking to her and befriending her. She didn't force me to drink that yucky gunk that would help me poop. (Because after operations, your body would have problems peeing and pooping.)

& they found out what caused my appendicitis... MY OWN POOP. :|

She got me a lozenge for my throat that was sore from the abrasion of the tube they had to put down me to bloat my tummy up. She left 5/6am in the morning. I really wanted her to be my nurse again for my second night. I wanted to thank her personally.

The rest of my second day was check ups, blood tests, operation 'make-Marilyn-poop', no appetite, slow eating, movies, sleeping, a lot of sleeping. Melissa called me in the morning to check on me :3 really appreciated her call.

Sunday: Parents came after church. Parents helped me eat my main meal of my dinner. Really didn't want anything. Mummy brought me books :)

Puan, Aron and Kok surprised visit me. They came as I came out of my shower. MY FIRST SHOWER IN 2 DAYS. Felt so good. But hurt a lot. Dreaded showering the next 4 days... 

& laxatives and that thing they put up my bum started to work after friends left... YEAH... The world started to fall under me that whole night.

Soon, once I had a good poop, parents left. I was dead tired. But I wanted to wait till about 10/11pm to see if Robbie was coming in. :)

& She did. The registered nurse (I am guessing. She had a different shirt on. Higher rank) introduced her and said, "Marilyn, Robbie is your nurse tonight." I was so happy. She changed my drips, more pain killers. (Had pain killers every 4 hours.) I asked if I could have another lozenge she said there wasn't anymore... But she came in with this:

*O* AWESOMMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!! "We give this to kids when they get their tonsils out. I hope this helps because there isn't anymore lozenge." ARE YOU COMPLAINING? NO. AM I COMPLAINING!? GIVE ME THAT ALREADY. Omn nomnom.

My room: See the teletubbies on the wall? Yeah I grew up with those funny peeps.

That night I was dog tired. I was completely drained. I knocked out. I woke up again to the Registered nurse changing my drips. My first drip was slightly jammed. She used a scissors or something to push the liquid through the drip tube and BAM into my arm. DUDE. That hurt like a bitch... PROOF (Because I don't like you. ): WHERE IS ROBBIE!? T^T Give her back!)

(And this was 2 days after!!! >:( the bruise that horrid thing caused...)

I didn't see Robbie anymore that night. I was annoyed and upset at that higher rank nurse. I was very very upset. I wanted to say bye to Robbie... So I woke up at 4.30am on Monday in hopes Robbie would come in before she leaves so I could bid farewell. I waited till 6.15am... She didn't come in... VERY UPSET... I went back to sleep. *knock knock* "Morning Marilyn! Brekkie!!!" omnnomnomnom:

One of Dr Cooke's team members came in to have a last check up on me. Gave me an MC for a week. (Half concerned and half happy. Concerned because I am a year 12. Skipping a day of school is like skipping a term in year 10! Happy because.. NO EXPLANATION NEEDED.)

The new morning shift nurse (The same one that put something up my bum the day before) came to take my big drip on my left arm out. (Had 2 drip holes. As they started with the one on my left before op and right before I enter op, they realised I needed one on my right arm because my appendix is on my right.......) "Apply pressure on the hole" *PULLS OUT 15 cm plastic out of my arm (drip)* I needed to text mum. Held the hole for 5 seconds thought it was good enough.. Started texting then suddenly I felt water being literally sprayed on my arm... Looks down... BLOOD WAS OOZING OUT OF MY BAND AID LIKE A FOUNTAIN LITERALLY (no exaggeration here.) and bam:

I was like OMG I hope the nurse returns soon and then... *knock knock* "Marilyn! :D LUNCH!!! Here yo-" "Could you help me please?" "OMG!!! I WILL CALL THE NURSE!" & Here is my lunch for that day :) :

I got discharged at 2pm that day. :) It was a Monday. Home and sleep sleep sleep. That was my whole weekend.

Wednesday when Shane and Gus visited:

They brought me one sushi heehee

WAS SO GOOD.

I was getting pretty lonely by Wednesday... Marilyn always has a social life... But since Monday, all Marilyn interacted with was the toilet... THEN... BAM! People started surprising me! :D PRAISE GOD FOR ANSWERING UNPRAYED PRAYERS! *He knows my every wants and needs* {3 

Flowers that came from Puan, Kok, Aron and the Orchid from N.

Thursday: Friends decides to surprise me. Kalem, Shane, Sherrie, Shreya surprised me first. They brought my fave pizza, Margarita! And Macaroons! :D:D:D We played Mario! They brought my work! We played even more! :D

Then... *DING DONG* Tim showed up! He brought those flowers up there. More Mario! More pizza-eating! 

One more... *DING DONG* IT WAS JESS! :D Bruuuuuuuu {3

She brought these flowers:

Surprises 3 days in a row. {3

That's my week.

On a lighter note... I finally did up my long awaited wall about two months ago. :)

Thank God for sustaining me through such a intense time. Thank God for such amazing people in Murdoch-St John of God hospital. {3 

what the world thinks.

I wrote this ages and ages ago. & its time to publish it:

"FAT" a common word heard among people of all generations. Some may not just let it be a word they use but also a point they add in their new year's resolution. Just watched a video about this girl "rant about fat bitches" as so she says. She labels herself "thick" and "boys like thick girls. They go for thick girls" and "Just accept you're fat. Not thick." Sad but isn't that how this warp world revolve? Many people struggle with this "harsh reality". Guys and girls, we all do. Guys want to be bulk and tank while girls, skinny and model like. Why so? So we could get judged by the opposite sex and feel approved? Or like some, just feel better about ourselves?

I admit, I have been there, I have mentioned the word many times, I have done ridiculous things in hopes to lose this "fat". Its alright to be cautious for health reasons but how skinny is skinny enough? I've just come to realise, that even if I am as skinny as that model out there, I know I still wouldn't feel satisfied. Some of you that have been following my blog might have already come to the knowledge that I use to anorexic. I started off that way because of depression of moving but I'm the sort that when I get into a habit, a mindset, I am fixed and its hard to get me out of. When I eventually got out of that "dark time", out of the depression, I struggled to get out of my starving ways. When I forced myself to eat all 3 meals a day, by night fall I will hit myself with huge disappointments and self reprimanding to a point I would not eat for the next 1-3 days. When the dark period left, I was a wrecked child. Pretty much weak and sick looking. But then, the old ways stuck. It became the result of "looking fat" or having that normal roll around my tumtum when I sat. Silly, ridonkulous and stupid. Its been 3 years since I was coming out of that old way. I've been saying, "recovery" and honestly, I am improving yet on occasions, I still honestly do it. Through out these 5 years, hearing people say, "Marilyn! Eat more!" or "Marilyn, EAT!!" it made me hit that point where I remembered I was 9 years old, in my Auntie's house, visiting my grandparents who came over from Sydney and walking down her stairs our conversation went like this... I was telling them about all the junk I ate and my Auntie asked, " Are you scared to grow fat?", I looked up at her and laughed, "NO! I don't care if I do. As long as I get to eat, I can lose them all later! I don't care if I'm fat!" "What if no one like you, how?" "Someone who will marry me if I am fat must really like me then." "Then he deserves you!" "YES!".

Looking back, that conversation, so innocent and honest. What happened since? Well we all grow up having our mind 70% of the time focused on losing weight.. Why?

Watching that video, it made me feel sad while conversations with friends about them wanting to lose more weight sunk so deep. I then reflected, know I am still struggling having been ashamed but it hit me so hard when I dropped a size at the start of the year.. That was then a wake up call to get out... But I'm still RECOVERING...

My very first hospital admission.

As some of you guys know, I was admitted to hospital on the 25th August 2012 for my inflamed appendix. Yep, I had appendicitis. Don't ask me how it happened.. It just did. I have no clue what got in that blistering sucker but hey, I thank God it did because I met the most amazing people ever...

Here's my letter to them. I was very upset to a point of crying that I didn't get to thank these amazing people... This is the least I could do for now but in time to come, I wish to actually do something for them. Probably after WACE... Here we go:

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Though my stay in the hospital was short and sweet and though I possibly was the second youngest to be admitted into hospital that day, I sure am glad and definitely blessed to be served by a bunch of passionate, amazing, friendly, heart-warming and personally inspiring people.

To the people that prepared my meals: WOW. Amazing food though I didn't have my full appetite but I sure wish I did so that I could enjoy every single molecule that was lovingly prepared by you guys. For personalising it in a way that I wanted out of that ever so diverse and yummy menu. Wanted everything, no doubt but had to pick what would best benefit me. Thank you so much for serving me with joy like the brightest sunshine. What can I say? It literally was breakfast in bed! Thank you so much for putting my meals together and for ensuring I had the best of nutrients too. Wish I knew all of your names so I could thank each and every one of you personally.

To the nurses: The group of people that touched me most during those short 3 days. Even though about half the time I was either still knocked out from the anaesthetic or just simply exhausted and sleepy, you guys really inspired me. Nursing is one heck of a tough job but you guys didn't allow that to be shown through your actions. Every smile and every warm touch really reminded me as to how blessed I was to be under your care. There were about 8 of you that have come into contact with me during my stay there and helped me in various ways from changing my drips, helping me off my bed, turning my lights off while i dozed off, gave me my pain killers, adjusted my bed, helped me turn on the amazing tele with such vast choices of movies that I could enjoy and to just simply coming in to check on me. Truly a humbling job that you guys left me in awe. I left the hospital upset that I couldn't thank each and every one of you personally but here are the few three that out of my drowsiness I can probably remember your formal introductions: Robbie, Nibby and Sarah (The one that pushed me from the ED to my ward) I would especially like to thank Robbie. Your actions have really left something in me. Am deeply moved by your enthusiasm to work at such weird hours, 11pm till 5am and how you were so patient with me and helped me while I struggled with my fresh wounds that very night after I aroused from my anaesthetic. Doesn't sound like much but you have really impacted me. I thoroughly enjoyed your presence that very first night where I wanted to just talk to you and how loving you were towards me. There are few more nurses that have always done a lot for me but I would have really liked to thank each and every one of you personally as well. Truly am grateful. The one that placed that cold liquid up my bum, yes, isn't a pleasant job but really thankful.

Mr D Cooke and his team that operated on me:
Thankyou for watching over me as you operated on my appendix and took out that inflamed mess in me. Though I didn't get as much contact with you guys as compared to the nurses, I really am grateful that you guys operated on me with such joy and passion that seemed to be renewed everyday. You assured me and gave me so much faith to know that you guys would definitely do a wonderful job. To Mr Cooke, though I could barely talk while I was there, your jokes definitely did hurt. Physically! Just like how you took me like your very own "daughter" as you operated on me, I am glad and definitely blessed to have that "father" ensuring that the procedure will go well. I'll make sure that one day, I will be in that list of people you mentioned to me before my operation! Probably not as an athlete though. But in all compliments, thank you. Oh and greatly appreciate the dvd of my operation! Its just like the magic school bus in me. THANK YOU :)

Thank you all for making my stay at Murdoch Hospital - St John of God one that is unforgettable, not just because I would have a scar to remind me, but also one that deeply impacted me in my heart. & I am sure I have missed out many but really, am sincerely thankful that God allowed me to have my appendix taken out at such a blessed place with amazing people.

God Bless,
Marilyn Ho.

28th August 2012.



I will post my adventure in due time. For now, I really want to let the world know, people with such hearts are truly, awe-inspiring.

Tell me oh my soul, why are you down cast?

I'm very excited for the future. For the things I can do, the time I will have as compared to this year and desires to reach goals. But really, among these excitement, fear and unsettledness is erupting...

Dino ear rings from Yi Lin! :)

Oh Lord, discipline my soul. I want to look up. I want to stay focused on you. My heart is deeply troubled as to how far I feel from you. I know it shouldn't be based on feelings but really, these feelings are indications that are acting as warning sirens as to the distance I have come. This year has been busy. Time that I have tried to set aside for you become time that I have idled away and I am sorry. Serving You is easy but fighting in this faith is hard. Who am I to demand for more time? Oh Lord, to You is where I want to run. To You is where I want to take shelter. I cry out for direction you provide but Lord, You spoil me with never ending love and I know the further I've gotten. To You I want to return, to You I want to take refuge. Why are my eyes gazing upon things that will fade? Clear them oh Lord, wipe these salt away and carry it's weight. Lord, I'm not happy with where I am. I'm not happy with who I've become. I've forgotten who I am. I've lost sight of my vision. To You I want to commit again, oh Lord, take these negativity and intensify them. Push me to my limits, amplify the pain if its a stepping stone for my growth in You because really Lord, I want to grow deeper in You. Take this hardened heart of mine and remould it. Burn everything that's not of You that's in me and multiply my passion for Your name. I want to extinguish every sinful nature I hold dear. I'm sorry Lord for the things that I've made. I'm sorry Lord for having half hearts and blinded eyes. Penetrate in me revealing every dark corner. Make me whole oh Lord, please. Lord, I will never be satisfied with anything of this temperer place because You Lord, are what I need. You Lord is who I want to seek. You are who I want to find. You Lord is the only One that would open the doors in this cold dark night. Be thou my vision, be thou the centre of my life. I'm coming back. I'm here.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On a lighter note... LEAVERS!!! :D

The time machine.

Birthdays are days that remind you that you indeed are a miracle, being alive.

Looking through photos, I found this. This was taken on my 15th birthday. My very first birthday I celebrated in Perth. A very very very quiet birthday that only 3 of us celebrated together since I barely knew anyone here in Perth. I was pretty bitter then as to having moved yet again. I didn't want anyone at school know simply because I'm the new kid. Have been at school for only barely 3 months and was still struggling with things physically left behind when really, mentally they were present. Looking back at how far I've come, how well I've settled in, I thank God for being with me through it all. For seeing me through the tough times. Its only after I came to Perth did I really start discovering and finding myself. 

As compared to this year, so many more I've met. So far I've come. It's the first time I planned something for my very own birthday. :) 3 Parties, Penrhos, OCF and Lynwood. 2 special cakes, many wonderful people I've met in this blessed place.

Lynwood:

I've grown, I've learnt many things and many people have come and gone but I'm not done yet.

"ONE WISH! WHAT WOULD IT BE!?" 
To live a life filled with humility, passion and love for Daddy God. The One who has seen me through and loved me even though I've hurt him so deeply before and in the future but my desire is to live a life that shines for Him.

10 more weeks till the final battle. The battle that will determine if I've meant what I've said, one shot to take that I should do my best, leave that desk and say, "I did my best." Not, "I could have done better." 10 weeks till a whole period of transition occurs. 10 weeks till graduation. Am I ready? Am I even putting in any effort now? I know best. Everything else can be put away. Got my reports today. Most teachers are pleased but frankly, I'm otherwise. Mummy called me "Clever girl" but really, its terrible as compared to last year, semester 1. I am very far from my 96. Very far. I need to buckle up. ONE SHOT MARILYN. ONE SHOT. ITS NOW OR NEVER. ITS NOW. I have great plans amongst all these. Plans for my part time job in the future, plans for uni, plans for majors, plans for specialising, plans for adulthood. But really, they all mean nothing if it's not aligned to God's plans. Its Him that I want to serve. Its Him I have decided to go down this path. It's Him that granted me these opportunities, why have I lost sight? Why am I worrying? Why am I freaking out? Isn't it He who grants? Isn't it He that directs my steps? Time to focus. Lord, be thou my vision.

adult.

I'm now an adult. That is all.

Like the grass, we forget they wither too.

This picture has its significance...

I am not too sure if I've posted this picture before but this picture means a lot to me. People might look at it and say, "What a terrible picture, the finger is covering part of the lens, there is no objective, there is no story." Well, there is a reason why I took and kept this picture. There is an objective and there is a story.

Here's the story...

Before skies turned bright, 

before the sun shone with might,

I watched him walk that night.

Sometimes I forget he left,

and memories are all I have,

Hearing that legacy I turn deaf.

Ignorance is bliss,

is what people choose to believe,

Naivety is all a tease. 

The one who taught me chess,

the one that held my hand,

I know I'm so blessed.

The one that tolerated,

the one that simply catered,

I took it all for granted.

In pain you call out to me,

yet my name you say with such glee,

wretched child ignores your plea.

Passing your picture everyday,

i refuse to believe its this way,

but i watched you as I may.

That squeeze,

That touch,

that tear.

Now its time to face,

on my lips this bitter taste.

You've indeed finished your race.

I miss you so much,

your gentle touch.

All this in this awakening nudge.

I know I'll see you one day,

when I've finished and come to lay,

and walking up to me I hear you say,

"Well done xiao gou, I've been waiting for you at bay."

................

Hillsong's "You hold me now" was the song I played that night I watched you go. It gave me assurance and peace that you're now safe, in His arms, fulfilled your purpose and even if I selfishly missed you so dearly, God holds both of us now. Even though I cry each time I hear this song because it brings me back to that night I struggled to let you go, I trust in Him to grant me strength. Assurance to know that one day, I'll see you again and come face to face with Him. I miss you Ah Tah. May you be dancing and singing in great joy and wait for me to join you on that very day He calls me home. I love you, wait for me.

Love, Xiao gou. (Little puppy)

that risk taker dummy.

"All these accidents... You could have just died there and then. I thank God for each miracle that you're alive." words of my loving mother.

I do do stupid things and always getting myself into trouble. From intentional experiments to unintentional absent mindedness. Putting the people around me in a lot of stress, trouble and worries. :| But I can try to be careful but yet I can't help it. So... I thank God for all these people who care so much for me. I really am grateful for you. Because man, I don't even know how I can live with myself!

maybe next time.

I'm blessed. We all are.
I always get what I want but I'm grateful.
Grateful, yet not acknowledging limits.

I know I am growing,
and through this trials I am pushed too.
I guess that's just about right,
I can't shine for God if I don't get my life right.

I can't align a life full of baggage,
I have to let go.
He gives and takes away,
but most of all,
through it all He is there.

The question then becomes, "So what?"
So what if He takes away?
Because everything is for His glory.
"My Utmost for HIS Highest".

Its hard,
but it's time I focused.

fallen in this pothole.

Looking through pictures, I found this.

What do I want, what do I need, what should I do? All these questions, easily answered with one word, "Pray".

From last week, I've learnt that I should finally confront what I've been avoiding, pushing aside and trying so hard to move on from. "Conclusion", confronting, scary and honestly unwillingly but I know I need it. I've written the letter, now I'm just too fearful for what comes after. It's sitting in my computer folder taking up bytes. Its obvious I need it, look at me, I'm holding back because I return considering you. I guess at the same time of "Could have been" I'm excited yet at the same time I'm selfish, not making up my mind. No, not seeking God. Honestly, I'm scared. For both. Risks, choices and wants.

So eager yet foolish.

Inner thoughts.

Cardboarding last sunday with the girls. :)

Its almost April.. 7 more months till I am done with high school. Time seems to be flying, my mind seems to be dreaming yet my body still living.

That means 6 more months to the big exams. What happened to time? It's ticking alright, its going. What am I doing? I have only recently finally been able to catch up with school work, holidays soon and 3 weeks after holidays, its mid year exams. Reflection time...

• I started the year well. However, 2 weeks into school, the boat rocked. Things started happening and people leaving. It was the series of events that came one after another that sent me spiralling down.
• I only got back into studying last week. (Which is pretty much me wasting 6 weeks of my year 12 just.. ROLLING IN THE DEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPP) *sigh* But really, better late than never and thank God. All praise and glory to Him who helped pulled me out.
• The whole of last week I slept around 4.30am for 3/5 nights, 3.30 for 1/5 nights and 1.30 for the remaining 1/5. Time spent was fruitful though. It was because of the staying up that made me get back into studying. That big push to get the ball rolling again.
• Tests done during the 6 weeks that I was zombified were terrible. As a result, my results were... SHIT. Literally. But hey, we all fail at times but its because of failures we learn. 
• Papa and I got even closer during this time when it was just 2 of us. The things he does as a loving father is just honestly.. Touching.
• Tests done after I got out.. Really, that helplessness pushed me into relying totally on God. I admit, before that I was probably going at it solo.
• Math even though its only 2 tests, my first test pushed me into an overall of 68% and when I did my investigation, it pushed me up to a 73.4% overall. THANK GOD. It may be my worst math results ever but you know, I have always done crap in my investigations. It was what pushed me down last year and this was simply, MIRACLE. I may be taking back my place as 1st overall in 2CD math, it may be my name but really I couldn't and can't do it without the One who gives me strength.
• Chemistry, I failed my very first and so far, only test which makes me a 47% overall at current. The very first test I have failed in Lynwood. My very first letter sent home of "Unsatisfactory work". Yes, I did push myself into terrible disappointment which led to a stress break down but like I mentioned before, God brought me out and now we are doing my favourite topic and I am picking up. I have finally caught up in Chemistry and got full marks for my homework test. Now, I've got another test coming but I FEEL READY! BRING IT ON, YOU LITTLE CHEMISTRY MONSTER!
• English, I am doing surprisingly well. I am still amazed. Daddy God's not given up on me.
• I am at current 6 ATAR score away from what I need based on marks I am getting on current. Based on last year marks, I was 2 marks away from my requirement... By the end of this semester, I aim to reach my Atar requirement so I can push myself even harder in 2nd Semester! 

I have a dream. A dream that seems unrealistic to my child-like mind. Its achievable, it sounds incredible but am I deserving of such? I need to gear up, buckle up, suit up, prepare and GO! The only thing however is... I am uncertain of God's certainty in this dream of mine. I have the passion but if its not what is best for me, its not something I will do. I admit, I am excited yet scared. Just a year ago, I was so certain that I will never ever be who I dream to be today. I detest the life that this career drove many, I thought it was stupidity and just impossible for me. What changed? When God showed me a glimpse of what I could do with Him providing for me. A pathway I labelled "Crazy", He showed me what I never considered. He softened my stubborn mind and bam! Pray, pray, pray.

1. 1 week to holidays.
2. 3 weeks to registration of UMAT
3. 8 weeks to Exams.
4. 9 Weeks to 18.
5. 3 months to holidays.
6. 3 Months to UMAT test.
7. 5 Months to End of year exams
8. 5 Months + to release of UMAT results
9. 6 months to farewell of year 12
10. 6 Months and 2 weeks to WACE exams
11. 7 Months to a whole month of intensity.
12. EXACTLY 8 Months to fully graduate (Presentation night)
13. 8 Months to AGM and Convy
14. 8 Months 1 week to preparation for interviews.
15. 8 months 1 week to first round of interviews.
16. 8 Months and the next phase of my future is determined.

THIS IS IT. I bid farewell to my social life a long time ago but here, I realise how much more I have to do. Walk, Listen, Grow, Run.

John Curtin's Ball.

Timmy! :D

My favourite picture of him that night. Though its blurry... :|

Was a good night. :) Favourite song that night, HEY MARCEREENA!

I guess what they say about going with your close friend and you wouldn't regret it is indeed a true statement. Because I actually REALLY did enjoy myself that night.

So here's something about Timmy... I know I've never really mentioned him much on my blog though I did have a post dedicated to him before on November 2010. We have been friends since the year 2009. One of my first few friends outside of school. Met him at Ignite. How? Well, I was seated on this amazing bean bag, all happy and comfy while watching people play guitar hero. Suddenly, this guy out of no where, jumps unto the same bean bag, made me jump up as well because of the force and I turned around, see this face smiling so intently at mine. My friend introduced him as "Tim Tam". & Since then, we've gone through quite a lot. He stuck through the phase of me being totally crazy. Literally, CRAZY. I am still rather amazed till today. We've grown a lot since then, in maturity and of course height and all that but most of all, our friendship! :)

One gesture that really impacted me recently was when I came to a realisation of him keeping his word. It didn't hit me until I was talking to Liv, "I wonder why he's not taking someone else." "He did mention taking me to his ball start of last year when we were talking about it. I requested that he would ask the girl he liked then, before confirming with me... I mean come on, we still had a year to go!" "Well, he kept his word didn't he?"

That stopped all mental thoughts and I realised.. WOW, it may seemed small but really, who keeps their word now a days? Meant a whole lot to me.

So here you go _______ _______ _______ ;) Here's a post just for you, without being anonymous! 

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I MADE CHAR SIU BAO FROM SCRATCH (; 

First batch were too salty so second batch on the way now!! :D

Realisations.

It has finally hit...

Its our last year. Its MY LAST YEAR. LAST YEAR. LAST YEAR of high school...

10 months this year. 1 month down, 9 more to go...

I may still always be that cheeky one, I may still always be the one who wears her jammies out and I may still always be the one to announce to the world I've got to pee but age is progressing. Puberty has hit years ago, maturity is an ongoing process and wisdom continues to increase exponentially but most of all, its time for me to step up and to grow spiritually as well. No more looking back, no more "what if's", no more staying put. Its time to leave, time to do my best in Year 12 and time to grow.

Things I have struggled with before, things I have kept within myself and kept repeating the same mistakes its time to challenge myself to stop, step out and walk away and to never return ever again. Sinful ways I've kept within these 4 walls since I was 8, 14 and 15 it's time to let go.

Last year, STUDY. FOCUS. GROW AND PERSEVERE.
"CLEAR EYES, FULL HEARTS! Never lose."

Leavers 2012.

25th February 2012 was when my spuds grew up. (;

I miss you loads spuds, hope you are having fun in Melbourne! :)

2nd March 2012, YEAR 12 LYNWOOD BALL

Favourite-est guy. ♥

+ Jess M.

Table seating!

After the ball.

3rd March 2012, Clare's (belated) birthday party.

That's my fair share of fun so far. MORE TO COME! :P

Pre-Ball thoughts.

Ball is tomorrow, I am honestly nervous. Excited isn't even the word but nervous. Why am I nervous? I don't know but frankly, I am a klutz, propriety just isn't my thing and knowing me, I would do something stupid. I just can't help it, its just part and parcel of everyday life to do something ridonkulous and funny. Not to me, to others of course. Looking through other's photos, Penrhos, etc it gets my heart pumping harder. Maybe its excitement but I am too confused to even know? Who knows. OH BOY, the ball is tomorrow.

LEAVERS 2012!
I can't wait for my leaver's jacket. :) JUST SAYING!

The last day of the man who fought a great fight.

Ah Tah ♥

Receiving the news, I didn't want to bombard dad with the constant questionings but I knew things were crucial and it was now or never. Later I asked if I could join him on this journey, he gave me a firm no. He reasoned that I still had school. I was upset because I told myself I will definitely see him at least one more time. Now that things are getting critical, I will leave everything and go. That Saturday I had 3 parties to attend. Nicole's, Mika's and Mel-Bao's farewell. But as compared, they had to wait. Mum spoke to dad, he refused. Sissy spoke to dad, he refused once again to let me go. Finally, when I accepted facts I was going to be left behind, I resigned to the shower and had a little break down. Then a knock on the door came, it was dad. He is asking me when I had to be in school. Thankfully I didn't have anything major this week. It was an indication that he was allowing me to go! :D Sissy then came into the bathroom and told me to go get ready and pack my bags. I obeyed.

That night I went to bed content and had a peaceful sleep. Dad woke me up. For a while I thought I had school but realised, this is the day! This is the day I am going off to Sydney! I quickly got ready and off we went. Mum's words to me at the airport, "Be a blessing among the cousins." "Yes, I shall."

On the plane, about to set off, there were a couple of hiccups here and there. But when we took off the journey was alright though bumpy. Was really productive on the plane. Did a lot of school work. (Yes, I am year 12. My work load is like never ending...)  4 hours later, touch down. Got into Norman's car and off we went.

Rushing there I didn't know what to expect. I was hoping for the best yet prepared for the worst. But I knew God is in control and I knew that even if I did get my desperate prayers answered or not, its His will. So far, there weren't any calls or texts messages. I really really am very thankful. God granted me my prayers and made me a promise.

We reached the Peninsula Nursing home, it was evening here in Sydney. (3 hours ahead of Perth) Walking through many gates and doors, walking through countless corridors I finally met familiar faces I have not seen in 7 years. Uncle Don, Aunt Lynn and little Jemma. They were eating, barely a fraction of a smile was all they could managed as they watched dad and I enter. We walked through that tiny outdoor area and there an open door to room 17. "My favourite number" I thought. & I remembered also Ah Neh's birthdate number. (17 Feb). I followed dad and 2nd Aunt through, entered the room and I looked upon that cordate face. His face was badly sunken, he looked so skinny. His eyes barely open and his harsh breathing rang through the hallway. This man once so lively and once so strong now looked like stick and stones lying on this bed that seem to mock his tiny frame. 2nd aunt said that he could hear us, just not respond. She woke him up with the gentle strokes on his head and revealed an open hand that looked like its prefixed to allow us to just slip our hand in there easily so he could feel our touch and "hold" our hand.

Dad was opposite me as we stood beside his bed. 2nd aunt whose eyes were terribly swollen and still watery probed me to speak to him. I couldn't manage. I blocked my mind from memories of descriptive thoughts that was a pictorial oral of this tiny, fragile frame that lied in front of me. Being me, multitasking was hard. No words came to mind but I slipped my hand into his and felt heat radiating between our tiny hands. 2nd Aunt gently spoke to him informing him of our presence. He struggled to open his heavy laden eyes. Only a tinge of his fading black pupil was revealed but his heart beats increased exponentially. I kept calling out, "Ah tah". Wanting to say more, just like days before I instantaneously became speechless. I really wanted to say more but its like something was having a grip at my throat. Soon, 2nd Aunt returned in to take her place. I slowly released his hands as that dragon ball between us slowly lost its heat. Walking out, I broke down into heavy grieve and started weeping.

The very thing I was anticipating weeks ago, mentally preparing myself but who knew I had a loop hole in my mental preparation that he would look much much much worse then I estimated. Tiffany held me in her arms as I sobbed and continued to pinch myself in attempt to stop. Then I managed a smile and looked up. Made a mess on the floor but I am sure I wasn't the only one. Dad just had deep dark eyes that wouldn't allow me to penetrate through to fully understand how he was feeling. I sat on the edge of the couch and stared at the ceiling. Preventing myself from shattering, I started to look at those hot air balloons stickers with clouds stuck unto the wall in attempts to add cheer in this sad, forgotten place. Nearby, little Jemma was just drawing the beach. Significant to me, just like the beach soon he will be in paradise.

Went to the toilet, took a breather and returned to the communal place where the Ho's were gathered. I attempted to head back into the room again. This time I took a deep breath but I started crying. I told myself I have to say something soon. If not I would just regret and be so harsh on myself for who knows how long. After more "Ah tah.." and provokes those words were to my aunt, she kept reminding me that he can hear me. Returned my hand in his and held a stone-like face trying to gather as much courage as possible to try to tell him myself that I was present. Aunt then said,"We know he will be in a better place. We wouldn't want to hold him back now, do we?" I was annoyed because that just made me break again... After she left I spent some time in there. Then dad walked out and finally, I managed, "我是惠娟" (I am Marilyn) and biting my lip, I watched a little bullet of tear formed at the corner of his sunken eye. I crumbled pathetically but as I watched the tear rolled down that little slope to his temple, I quickly wiped it. I knew he recognised my voice, I knew that even through that dementia he recognised the touch of my hand and the ringing of that distinct baby voice. I lost it there, covered my mouth I struggled to stand up straight. I didn't want to leave him but I didn't want him to hear me cry because of him. He tried opening his eyes again but his eyes so weak, so heavy, they didn't allow him to. His hands were struggling to hold firmly unto mine but surges of energy that allowed him to hold my hand came on and off. The nurses then came and they wanted to change him. I had to leave. So I did reluctantly. I went back to that floral couch and just stared. Holding back tears, I realised biting unto my fingertips aided me in holding tears back.

Grandma asked if I was staying back. I said yes firmly as I stared into her weary eyes. She tried talking to Melissa to make me leave. I wasn't going to leave but if it helped relieve her of this stress, I would go. However, Melissa finally concluded that we will leave this in papa's decision. The next time, grandma went to dad and asked him. I was opposite him, holding unto grandpa's hand. He looked at me and asked. I gave him the death stare and gave a strong shook of the head. He reasoned with her that I don't have many days here, it's alright to let me stay. I hugged her goodbye though I know she was shaking, unwilling to leave. We all were, because the doctor did mention it wouldn't be long now that he was going to turn to heaven gates that were just at his footstep, waiting for him.

It was then my turn to have dinner. I felt too sick in the stomach to eat but I knew I had to. Food that night tasted so bland though I knew that half my sandwich I had for brekkie was much saltier than it tasted the second time I consumed. Left with Melissa to go get our bags from the car, learnt some family politics and some updates but this time is crucial, how can politics come before this man that is "worldly" head of this family?

Soon most left. dad, 2nd aunt and I stayed. We were planning to stay overnight and watch over grandpa. 2nd Aunt have been there for nights and diligently watching over him in and out but for that night, dad and I could take turns with her to take shifts to watch over ah tah. Thankfully, I was still in Perth time (Jet lag) and I was wide awake when it was 11pm, Sydney time. Grand auntie Sue and grand uncle Dennis just touched down from Perth as well. Uncle Albert went to get them and they wanted to see Ah tah as soon as possible. They came about early 11ish, I watched as Grand uncle Dennis struggle at the sight of Ah Tah. It was just like a reflection of the past me, just hours earlier looking at this man we could barely recognise now. Uncle Albert was keeping me occupied with light conversations that did keep me from falling back and rolling down memory lane. I looked down and saw he had vans shoes on. Probably the coolest dude I knew because they were Vans sneakers not other types that they carried.

They soon left at about 11.30. I was doing my work in the dark there in the garden. Dad and 2nd aunt went to get comfortable and washed up for the night. I went and did the same after and went back to my work. They closed Ah Tah's room door leaving it slightly ajar so as to cut off the noise and heavy snoring coming from another lonely, aged guy in the room beside him. Aunt then resigned to the little bed that the nursing home has set up specially just for us Ho's to rest as we passed the night. She was next in line for our shift. I hooked dad up onto the internet through my phone and I went on to doing my Chinese. Before aunt left, she went into Ah tah's room to wet his mouth and throat as it was so raspy due to his limited water intake and also because he was breathing through his mouth which must have been so uncomfortable. She double checked with dad that he could hear ah tah's breathing. I stood by his door and went towards dad after she left, saying," ARE YOU SURE YOU CAN HEAR HIM BREATHING? Because I CAN'T." His breathing became softer after 2nd aunt wet his dehydrated throat but I had this strong urge to want to be in the room with him just so I am sure that he is alright. I brought my chinese work into the room and after writing just a few chinese characters, his night light flickered, as if it was saying, "Look up Marilyn". I looked up, watched Ah Tah's mouth opening slightly bigger each time he took in air. It was a different type of breathing because this time its as if he was trying to get more air in then before... I turned away thinking that maybe because he has come around or was having a nightmare. Then I looked up again, I set my books aside and went by his side.

I looked at his face thinking maybe he was having a nightmare just like how uncle Albert has told me that he has been having the day before. I stroke his collarbone, reassuring him that he's okay. His eyes started to attempt to open once more, just slightly more than before but still just a tinge. I think he could see me. I said, "Ah Tah, 好好睡啊.." Just like how I usually do when I wish him goodnight when he was with us in Perth for 2 months. I also smiled and stroked him some more. I watched his eyes return back to its comfort zone and I took a sit once again. I picked up my book and started writing a couple of words. That very same bed light flickered again. I looked up and realised Ah Tah went back to his grasp-like breathing. But this time I noticed the irregularity of his inhaling. I started to count in between each breaths he sucked in exaggeratedly. They were quick inhales yet numbers strung in my mental notepad increased. I stood up again this time and stood beside him. I was waiting for that next breath to come. It did. I was about to sit again but I wanted to be sure and wait for one more. It came again and I wanted to wait for yet again another one... But this time... I couldn't see if his little shrivelled lungs took in any air at all because the crease made on his blankie became so insignificant. I wasn't sure but I was at peace. I stroked his collar bone once more and I went out to get dad to help confirm.

At 12.17pm, in my head I knew, "This is it. He's done.". Saw dad with the mac on his lap as he was struggling with the sluggish internet. I called him in desperate helps to help confirm what I couldn't be sure of. I didn't dare touch Ah Tah in fears that I might startle him if he was just having a sleep. Dad then eventually followed me in, went to one side of his bed, placed the back of his palm close to his mouth opening. It now looked so relaxed as compared to previous times, it was under stress to grasp as much air as possible. He called out to him, nothing. No response, nothing. He went to the other side of the bed this time and I said, "Check his heart." Dad pulled back the sheets, revealed Ah Tah's favourite shirt (Or so as I assume since he always had it on) and placed his hand gently on Ah Tah's chest. Nothing. No beat, not a single thump could be sensed.

"Should I call Er Gu (2nd Aunt)?" He gave me a nod and I left immediately to the store room that was so foreign to me. I found her curled up on the bed with her scarf acting as her blankie, just like a little girl. I knew she was tired yet she has to come to know of the sadden, grave news I came bearing... I tapped her, called out and finally she stirred. "Ah Tah has stopped breathing..." Her murky mind, drained from tiredness didn't get me at first then I repeated again. She jumped up, dashed to room 17, that was badly lit just a few minutes before but was now blasting with lights. She went in and I followed after. She then did the same checks and asked me to go get the nurse. I walked out as fast as possible, went into rooms trying to find the nurses and finally I found them at the front desk. All 3 of them sitting there, not knowing what to expect. "Could you.. Could you please check on my grandpa..?" Words that I almost choked on finally came through. They came dashing, one after another and going through heavy doors and long mundane corridors we returned to that same nostalgic room. The head nurse ordered another to go get her stethoscope just to be absolutely sure.

I stayed outside as the room started crowding. I set on that same edge of the couch, unsure of how I was feeling I just sat there preventing provocative thoughts from interfering in my present mind. Bit my finger tips once again, trying to recollect just minutes before how I reflected on how it was like since I got to this place. I was still alright. I felt totally at peace and strangely settled knowing that this hero of mine, fought a good fight, ran the full race, love God's people and His church and most of all, served God faithfully.

My 2nd aunt came out with eyes swelling up again. This was where it got tough, its time to inform relatives and loved ones. I called Norm and Melissa, called mum and called Melanie. I was still alright until I heard Melanie's voice on the other end break when I told her of the sad news when Bao returned my call. She asked if I was alright behind her tears, I couldn't reply anymore. That same cruel silence returned and rob me of my voice just once more. She kept probing but words weren't able to string themselves together and she finally gave up. She then wished me well and asking me to take care, I could finish off with a "bye".

This time dad, 2nd aunt and I had to say our round of goodbyes before the nurses came in to take their place to clean grandpa up and prepare him for the funeral parlour to come retrieve Ah Tah's mortal body. Dad went in first, said his prayers and came out. Aunt wasn't around so now it was my turn. I went in, collapsed on the chair I was reclined in just minutes before and bowed my head and said my prayers. I crumbled once again, accepting facts and thanking God for this man who is so respectable, who not only showed his family, grandchildren but also his peers what it meant to be loved by the One who gave His all. I thank God for blessing me with such a great family, especially grandpa who also showed me in first person view how a life filled with prayer and close relationship with God was like. It has been a humbling 17.5 years of experience.

We then packed his clothes, his items all in black plastic bags then we packed our own items and got ready to leave. 2nd aunt drove us to her place, at the door we were greeted by Uncle Keith. Met grandma and her fragile frame and her deep swollen eyes and Uncle Don with his runny nose. Grieve was a painful thing. But grieve is easily conquered with comfort and joy from the Lord. It could be thoroughly seen in the Ho famfam that this in fact, is evident.

Grandma, uncle Don, dad and I stayed up that night till 4am just chatting. I first resigned to the room but that was because I knew it was time I had an outlet. I barely cried but the song from Hillsong, 'You hold me now' kept ringing in my head just like a reminder that Ah tah has finally reached his promise land from God where his room in God's house was ready for him to reside in. I finally attempt to speak to those that I couldn't speak to a day before.

Dad soon came in and found me in a mess of tears and snot. He then got ready for bed and I asked him,"How can you not cry..?" That very night dad shared how it meant to get up from depression and grieve to joy and assurance that Ah Tah is in a far greater place than anyone could ever imagine and he wouldn't like us crying here for him because just like how when he lived among us, he wouldn't like to be a burden to us. Similarly, he is not suffering anymore, we should be celebrating that he is finally back with the Lord and he ran a full race and fought a good fight. "I am sure that tonight, Jesus would have welcomed him home saying, 'Well done, good and faithful servant.' Just like Paul said, 'For to me, to live is Christ, to die is gain.'" Those words I found so reassuring and so comforting because they were ever so true.

My time here in 2nd aunt's place is a time I would always treasure. I simply love the family time I get here during this crucial period in each and everyone of our lives and knowing that we weren't alone was just enough to bind us together in joy as a family. For this, I knew for sure that knowing Ah Tah, he would have also probably prayed that we would be comforted in his leaving and joyful in his home-going because it was so.

Grandpa's funeral would be held on Friday. I wouldn't be here anymore to attend it but its okay. I wouldn't be able to hold it if I attended but I am just glad that God granted me my selfish, desperate prayer to allow me to send Ah Tah off into heaven just like how he watched me get baptised and joining the Christian family on my own accord. He also answered another prayer that hopefully, Ah Tah could see me just one more time. I am sure, he did. Even though his progress was improving as the week started, that caprice turn of events happened so quick, it minimised his suffering and also his dislike in being in a nursing home. God was definitely merciful.

The next day when I went in and joined the rest of the family as they visited the lifeless body, it was a hard time for many but for me, I found joy in the Lord where he replenished my grieving soul and allowed me to be assured he was alright and safe now. I stared at the same couch, visited room 17 for just a couple more times and went back to my warm spot and started counting the number of patterns on the couch just to prevent my mind from wandering down that path of memories as people around me shattered. I went in once more when Melissa and Norm finally decided that it was their turn. I watched Melissa slowly break that strong front, I knew if I stayed in there for another second longer, I would be her reflection. I left immediately.

This morning I learnt what kept grandma in heavy grieve.. "I will take you with me, where ever I go." words spoken by Ah Tah to his beloved wife while they were resettling from country to country. China to Malaysia, Malaysia to Singapore, Singapore to Perth and finally Perth to Sydney. She couldn't understand why he didn't take her with him just once more when he left for his roll call in heaven but dad spoke to her saying, "This time, its God's will to take him to this promise land. Your time on earth isn't done yet but one day when you have finished running the race, God will take you just like how he took Ah Tah." She is still grieving of course, because most of her life she was a faithful wife, supporting her husband in everything he does and followed him in total loyalty. Now that he has left, she has to reorientate her life this time and find another route that God has for her.

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Ah Tah and I as he taught me Chinese chess since I was 6. This was taken when I was 8 (2002), Singapore, our Semi-D house in Hua Guan. With Ah Neh sitting beside me, helping me along the way.

1 Corinthians 15:42-44, 50-57

So it will be with the resurrection of the dead. The body that is sown is perishable, it is raised imperishable; … in glory… in power… it is raised a spiritual body.… flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor does the perishable inherit the imperishable…. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: “Death has been swallowed up in victory.” … But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

Ah Tah, you are thoroughly missed but one day, when I have finished my race just like you, I shall join you in Paradise with our never ending singing of praise to our Heavenly Father that loves us so. I shall see you soon Ah Tah. 我爱你。