what the world thinks.

I wrote this ages and ages ago. & its time to publish it:

"FAT" a common word heard among people of all generations. Some may not just let it be a word they use but also a point they add in their new year's resolution. Just watched a video about this girl "rant about fat bitches" as so she says. She labels herself "thick" and "boys like thick girls. They go for thick girls" and "Just accept you're fat. Not thick." Sad but isn't that how this warp world revolve? Many people struggle with this "harsh reality". Guys and girls, we all do. Guys want to be bulk and tank while girls, skinny and model like. Why so? So we could get judged by the opposite sex and feel approved? Or like some, just feel better about ourselves?

I admit, I have been there, I have mentioned the word many times, I have done ridiculous things in hopes to lose this "fat". Its alright to be cautious for health reasons but how skinny is skinny enough? I've just come to realise, that even if I am as skinny as that model out there, I know I still wouldn't feel satisfied. Some of you that have been following my blog might have already come to the knowledge that I use to anorexic. I started off that way because of depression of moving but I'm the sort that when I get into a habit, a mindset, I am fixed and its hard to get me out of. When I eventually got out of that "dark time", out of the depression, I struggled to get out of my starving ways. When I forced myself to eat all 3 meals a day, by night fall I will hit myself with huge disappointments and self reprimanding to a point I would not eat for the next 1-3 days. When the dark period left, I was a wrecked child. Pretty much weak and sick looking. But then, the old ways stuck. It became the result of "looking fat" or having that normal roll around my tumtum when I sat. Silly, ridonkulous and stupid. Its been 3 years since I was coming out of that old way. I've been saying, "recovery" and honestly, I am improving yet on occasions, I still honestly do it. Through out these 5 years, hearing people say, "Marilyn! Eat more!" or "Marilyn, EAT!!" it made me hit that point where I remembered I was 9 years old, in my Auntie's house, visiting my grandparents who came over from Sydney and walking down her stairs our conversation went like this... I was telling them about all the junk I ate and my Auntie asked, " Are you scared to grow fat?", I looked up at her and laughed, "NO! I don't care if I do. As long as I get to eat, I can lose them all later! I don't care if I'm fat!" "What if no one like you, how?" "Someone who will marry me if I am fat must really like me then." "Then he deserves you!" "YES!".

Looking back, that conversation, so innocent and honest. What happened since? Well we all grow up having our mind 70% of the time focused on losing weight.. Why?

Watching that video, it made me feel sad while conversations with friends about them wanting to lose more weight sunk so deep. I then reflected, know I am still struggling having been ashamed but it hit me so hard when I dropped a size at the start of the year.. That was then a wake up call to get out... But I'm still RECOVERING...

Chapter 18: Cookie monster (Part 4: turtles, shadow in the heart) + bitch's tale 2.5+0.5

continuation of Cookie monster (Part 3: For a friend and pain).


At the start of 2009, I went back to Singapore once again. JLee still had a little something for NZH and it was killing me inside. I was still with Bi as well when I returned. I was struggling, I really still liked ZH so much that it butterflies whenever I hear his voice in a faint distance and skips of heart beats when I see him. The first time I saw him when I went back, like a little fool I ran in fear. I could not face him... I told Bi about it and asked for a break. I needed time to think.


I told ZH I still liked him. Just a couple of days ago, I was reading my hotmail history and it went back to that day where I was talking to him. Reading it now, it still placed this fear in me I don't understand. I went out for lunch with him and few other friends. I saw turtles drawn on his arm. I saw JLee's name as well. Something in me died. I reminded myself, it was my choice, my actions that has brought myself here. I am suppose to give up, why am I still clinging on so tight then?


He asked me about Bi, I confessed I could not do this anymore. He told me not to be silly, I told him he's like this shadow. In there, looming and hiding but always there though not always seen. It was driving me nuts...


I got back with Bi after I left Singapore. Why? This is where bitch 0.5 comes in... ZH said black specs people were like a curse. I knew for sure, I was one. He liked this girl then. I didn't want to know who, I know I would lose my sanity. I got back to Bi just so I could try move on and fully allow myself to love Bi. You know, without holding back anything for this shadow. It didn't work... I hurt Bi A LOT. I know I did. I did a lot of stupid dumb things during this long distance. He forgave me over and over. I didn't deserve it, frankly.


I broke up with Bi in Nov 2009. 11 months into our relationship, we decided its for the better. My close friend in PGC constantly asked if I was okay, I could always smile as usual and say "Of course! Why  wouldn't I be? :D" She'd exclaim in horror,"WHY!? BECAUSE YOU JUST WENT THROUGH A BREAK UP THAT'S YOUR LONGEST RELATIONSHIP!" Found it silly to be upset. But it did hit me eventually when a week after the break up, we still texted and I asked, "Have you moved on? :P" 


"yes!!! What about you?" was the reply. I don't know if it hurt because I wasn't missed (like any girl would want to be) or was it because I've finally realised I've lost him for good now with all his exclamation marks...


I didn't reply, I cried a little and replied, "I don't know."

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While all these was happening, I later (at the start of this year) the full story of ZH and that girl he liked at that point in early 2009.


That girl... I've had anger in me against myself and anger in her that also directed back at myself since I've learnt of who she was and what she did. I followed her on twitter just to know what mess she's up to. I didn't like her. I detested her. I didn't like her so much, that I would check her up on facebook and feel anger in me and daggers in my heart whenever I see her name or even photos. I'd question over and over,"WHY HER..."


I got my answer at the start of this year from ZH himself. It burned. Not only did it burned but flames engulfed my living senses and heart. I lost it.


I finally decided to let go just 2 days ago. I deleted her from facebook. I stopped following her on twitter and I've decided to cut her from my life. I didn't want to hold her captive in my heart of anger because she's like a tunnel where I channel my anger and questions of what should or should not have been towards myself.


I'll tell you more about her and who she is later. For now, at least I've finally decided to let go of this boulder of pain.

Chapter 16: A bitch's tale 2.5 (Ashim)

This is where Bitch ½ comes in… I was with “Bi” 2 months after Padrick in Shanghai. This was in December 2008. I got in this relationship meaning to try to move on from ZH and all the drama from before. Forcing myself to move on. I didn’t really have any feelings for Bi at first, to be honest. (BITTTTTCHHHHHH!~) He was like the cutest boy in school that had many amazing qualities. He was all loving and I honestly did like him after... But not enough for me to forget ZH… (I told him about ZH to be honest, from the day we played a game which brought us together eventually, till today.)

We soon learnt that Bi was to leave for Sydney in January 2009. We treasured every moment we got there after. A couple of weeks later, we also learnt that I was moving to Australia too! Sydney as well! Amazing! Time flew by, time spent with him was memorable, great and fun.  It was time for Bi to leave, it was hard peeling myself off him. I really did like him. 2 weeks time then and I would be on my way to Sydney too! A few days later, parents broke the sad news to me. They have changed our application to Perth instead. PERTH!? The black hole where all the cactuses live!? I threw a huge tantrum. 

I told Bi. I was bawling my eyes out but he assured me that we could go through with long distance relationship. He’d come to Perth to visit when he is able to since we’re already in the same country. Seems promising.

Cut the long story short, we were together for 2 months physically and LDR in total of 9 months, which means we were together for 11 months in total. We ended in November 2009. We broke up twice, once because I really still liked ZH and I requested for some time to think it through. We got back after I learnt ZH had a girlfriend. I thought maybe its time for me to move on too… The second time it was my fault once again. I was so confused. The time difference was driving me nuts and him not sharing the same faith, are we just running on high false hopes? But we got back again. The last time though was when we sat down and seriously talked it out. We realised we didn’t know where we are headed and I would not see him anytime soon. It was getting pointless. After all, “If you love someone, let them go. If they return, its meant to be and if they don’t, its not it.”

(If you have read my blog 2 years ago, you might remember this picture.) World, this is "Bi" 

PS. He's not anymore. HAHA

Then, I still have not moved on from ZH. I really liked Bi but if you asked me to pick, I’d freak, start running and never stop.


To be continued.

Chapter 2: Tong Hua's stalk

My last year in Primary/Junior school, I felt like a boss hahaha mainly cause I had friends I could count on, teachers that would joke around with me and places I've gained independence to go alone.

(Me and my primary 6 friends :) )

So like I said before if you've been following my series of "Dark forest of unwritten but lived tales", you'd probably remember me mentioning AVA club and how we got "famous" through it. Mainly because the whole school sees you in action with that big red badge and in this club there were only about 15 of us and only 5 of us were in primary 6, making us leaders each day we were on duty. In Primary 5, I was made leader of AVA club, constantly on the run. When I was Primary 5, 2005 it was the first year ever that our school merged Primary 3 all the way to 6 together in one session, the morning session. (Before it was alternate, not important) So through AVA, I made friends with Primary 4 kiddos in AVA club that were under me.

There was this girl, who was somewhat like me. Tomboyish and always act superior. We got along very well. ;) One morning when I was on duty with her, a knock came from the control room door. (The air con place we AVA peeps adore and fight for.) I was setting up and she went to open the door. This tiny boy, same year as this girl (LITERALLY, TINY) was staring up at her with this huge grin on his face. She goes out, closing the door behind her. Next thing I know, she opens the door, enters and I see that tiny boy on the floor. (DAMN GIRL! YOU JUST KILLED THAT TINY PERSON!)

I asked, "Who is he?" Replying annoyed, "Some annoying asshole." Fair enough to call him "Asshole" if he's that annoying I guess... "What did you do?" "Oh, don't care. I just kicked him." That's a bit harsh... So I opened the door, stepped out and still found him rolling on the floor with his hands on his crutch. *Oh, so she kicked him in the balls... Got to get rid of him before Head teacher comes for a check on us.* I stretched my hand out in offer to get him unto his feet. He took it and struggled to get up.

He was seriously tiny, so I bent down and asked,"You alright?" "Yeah, yeah. Thanks. I'm **Vin, what's yours?" "Oh, Marilyn. Okay, I've got to go back in... Just let her chill for now alright? Okay, bye." & I went back into the room.

That girl was pleased at her mighty kick at the spot so she laughed it off when we spoke about it.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>The Next Day<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

[Duty again, but back stage and not control room this time]
{Knocks coming from door, back stage}
I was going to get keys for the control room so along the way, I opened the door and see Vin standing there. "Oh, that girl isn't on duty today." As I stepped out and started walking towards stairs to get to the office for keys. "I'm not looking for her. I was looking for you." "What?" "Thanks for helping me yesterday and I know it sounds stupid but I love you." "Huh? I don't even know you." "I don't care, I love you" "Yeah, okay. Whatever, now leave me alone." & I ran off towards office.

> Days passed and I ignored him. <
2006 soon came and I started talking to Vin again whenever I pass by him. Found out he likes this other girl and she hates him and all that primary school drama. Then the liking started again. & I started ignoring him cause he kept getting people to pass me notes. Not greatly appreciated. Days pass and I realised he started hanging around my guy friends more. He started being their "underdog" and they in a way didn't treat him too nice. I was getting annoyed at this point when one of my guy friends approached me and did the wolf whistle with... "VINNNNNNNN! ;)" With the stupid curly eyebrow wave thing.

Few days later, I receive a phone call. You guessed it, from Vin. He asked if I read his letters, I said I did. But didn't tell him I threw them all away. Everyday he started to call and I lied as much as I could to just hang up.

The teacher in charge of AVA approached me one morning when I was on duty.
"Marilyn, can you come here for a while? I've got something to ask you."
"Yes?"
"Well, there is a new boy joining AVA and he is coming for training tomorrow. Can you train him for the control room please?"
"Yeah, sure."
"His name is Vin."
"Shit... Did he request to join AVA?"
"Yeah, he did."

Anger burned and volcanoes erupted. My friends on duty with me watched me rage.

>The next day<
Vin turns up for AVA training.
Brought him to the control room and totally ignored him. Taught him halfway when I progressed down the different sound systems we had to adjust. At one point I had to kneel, so I did and his face was so close to me, it wasn't pretty. I freaked, jumped up and left, slamming the door behind me and sent someone else up to teach him. I started duty with him the following week. He asked if I would be home that day, I said yes but don't call because I would be busy.

He called anyway. & He specially requested for me to not hang up just yet. "I've got something for you. Hang on." "mmmm." & In the background, I hear a high tune. He was playing the violin. To a song I really liked back in the year 2006. It was the most favourite love song that everyone liked. It was "Tong Hua". So, like I promised, I stayed on the line. He soon came back on and said, "I hope you liked it." "Mmm yeah, okay bye." "No, wait. Will you be my girlfriend?" "What? No. Okay bye." He hung up first and I was like woah what? That kid is on drugs!

*phone rings again*
*picks phone up*
Voice from the other side: Hi, is this Marilyn? (I PROMISE YOU HE SOUNDS LIKE VIN)
Marilyn: Yes, what? (Annoyed at Vin)
Voice from the other side: Vin is crying now. Why don't you accept him?
Marilyn: Excuse me? You are Vin. Can you please stop calling me?
Voice: No, this is his older brother and I care for my little brother. He refuses to come out from the room can you just talk to him?
Marilyn: Yeah, yeah, sure.
Vin: *CRY CRY SOB SOB SOUNDS*
Marilyn: Hello?
Voice that claims to be brother: Vin, she's on the phone. Can you talk to her?
Vin: No, she doesn't accept me!
Voice that claims to be brother: Look, he's crying.
Marilyn: So? You seriously sound a lot like him. If you were really his brother, you wouldn't know my number!
Voice claiming to be brother: I just pressed redial.
Marilyn: Yeah, sure. I seriously need to study.
Voice claiming to brother: Why don't you just accept him?
Marilyn: I DONT EVEN LIKE HIM. NOW LEAVE ME ALONE.


*Hangs phone up and cry* Yeah, I hate being told what to do...
*Phone rings again*
Marilyn: WHAT DO YOU WANT!?
Voice claiming to be brother: Tell him you accept him!
Marilyn: Yeah, whatever. Can I talk to him please?
{Vin's wailing heard on phone}
Marilyn: Can you just chill!? What do you want from me!?
Vin: *sobs* Will you just say yes?
Marilyn: I will tell you next month. Just give me time.

As the one month built up, he constantly told my guy friends that he was with me. Their daily tease drove me mad and I shouted one day in class. The class went dead quiet and my friend was patting me on the back to chill.

That 1 month passed and Vin approached me again. I explained I couldn't and all that. He was sad and I managed to somehow still pull it through with him all right after all.

Some event came up, I didn't have duty that day.
"Let's all give Vin a round of applause for performing today!"
Immediately lost interest and looked down to the floor.

"Erm, hi, my name is Vin and today i am going to play tong hua. This song is dedicated to someone in Patience 6"
My class went mad after. "OOOOOOO MARILYN EH!" & Everyone turns.
I'm gonna bite his head off! Yeah, I told myself that.

In summary: I left that year for Secondary/High school. He found out where I lived, somehow. My telephone number, somehow. The people I hung out with, somehow and what time I sleep... Somehow... Scared? Yes, annoyed. Pissed. Left ignoring him. He kept calling me after and slowly started to fade. Didn't talk to him until this year.
He started adding all my Aus friends, I got really annoyed. Confronted and told him off... I feel sorry for him yet at the same time, it made me even more pissed when I found out he doesn't even have an older brother. He's the oldest child...

Conclusion: Scarred and shocked. But learn to cope was a valuable lesson because 2 years later, another stalker came by my life in the year 2008 where she robbed bits of me, she never knew.

**(Name changed for privacy)

Chapter 15: A bitch's tale 2 (Pad) + Cookie monster (Part 3: For a friend and pain)

This following story is rated: "BRAIN FART"
It contains a series of unfortunate events and truths of Marilyn's reality.

In the year 2008, it was the year that was most significant to me. It's the year that God completed His patch work from the land mine I planted the year before and blew myself up, the year a friend shook my life, the year I liked a boy and was seriously serious and the year, that pushed me to a point I thought had no return.

But this part today is just about boys, more boys and a friend.

(Continuation from: Cookie monster (Part 2: 4 best friends and a sheila))

Promises made between Zhe Hui and I. Questions were popped but smart decisions were made. He asked if I would be his, we talked about it, came to a conclusion that not yet, but we'll wait for each other. I mean, 3 years later I'd be back, its OK, I know I am serious about this person but fears in me, built and engulfed my being. 


I was a player before, how do I know for certain that I wouldn't play with this guy? So what if I liked him since April? It's only been 4 months of liking and the desire to want to share my life with this person was still burning strong. But how could you compare that with 3 years that's ahead of us? 3 years, I know if we get together now, I'd bound to break his fragile heart. "You're the first girl I really love. You showed me that I am more than who I thought I was, you showed me the world from a different perspective. You're just so different." <--- Heart strings SNAP! SNAP SNAP! 


"I'll wait for you, its ok. We will make it through this =)" Yeah, 3 years later I will be in sec5, 2011. 3 years, I will still return to the same school I left. I will be back to where he was, I can do this! I'll tell you blatantly honest, Zhe Hui, read this or not, I know you know this. To me, you caught me off guard, after I got played at the end of January 2008, I told myself I will never get into a relationship ever again. Love is bullshit, who needs it, its a waste of time. I knew I was strong enough to fly solo all the way, die alone, its okay, I've got family and friends who love me. You showed me what it meant to love. I've never learnt love in practical terms properly since my relationships from the very start were all based on playing already. You showed me what it meant to be serious about God. You showed me what it meant to forgive my family, you showed me what it meant to love them especially and you showed me what it meant to care about my future instead of just being the usual me of mucking around and making a fool of myself. You showed me what it meant to fight for what I know is worth, just have faith. 


For this, I knew Zhe Hui was different. I knew, he wasn't like any other guys. I knew, he meant every word he said. He was so honest and so caring... Who was I kidding? He's "DA ONE!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Marilyn? Do you still like Zhe Hui?" Was the question that stopped my thoughts. It came from a friend... No, not just any friend. A friend that was my best friend at the end of sec1 2007 and at the start of 2008. We did everything together. We went out together, went for drama classes together, lunch together, sleepovers together, gaming together and staying awake for numerous nights in a row just for the fun of it. 


Our friendship stopped abruptly on the second week of April 2008. We didn't talk for the rest of the time I was in Singapore, though I tried writing letters. I cried, honestly because losing a best friend isn't easy I'll say. It's hard and soon you learn that, don't give up because I knew I needed this person in my life. She claimed she didn't care about me. She tried proving it by swearing at me, saying I was using people etc etc. But we patched it up awkwardly at the airport when I was leaving for Shanghai. She turned up, I was surprised and when it came to hugging, I teared when she came forward. Conclusion, we became best friends again after I left till this very day. :) She's someone I don't want to lose again. Ever. & I mean those words.


So when she asked me that question, I froze and thought to myself... "She likes him! SHE LIKES HIM... I've lost 3 other friends (the 3 guys that somehow liked me) I can't lose her again..." My reply: "Erm... No... not anymore, why? :)" "Oh, haha cause I think I'm starting to like him. Now I see why you like him before haha :$" 

WHY... WHYYYY? WHY!? WHYYYYYYYY!?

maybe I'm not meant to be with this person... I should give up now before its too late... Friends before guys, I've told myself that since the very start...

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Next day at SSIS, in Chinese class, boys were playing with crushed paper balls at the back of the class, near where I was seated. One boy, named Padrick threw one under my chair. I picked it up, threw it back and they were all: OOOOOOO o-o and continued.

Went home, came online:

*MSN SOUND: NEW FRIEND REQUEST!*

Padrick wants to be friends, do you accept or ignore?

*Click accept*

Padrick: Hey :)

-fast forward conversation-

Padrick: Will you be my girlfriend?

Me: Wait what? I don't even know you... I didn't even know you existed until you added me on msn...

Padrick: It's ok, we'll get to know each other along the way.

Me: Sorry... I can't... I kinda still like someone else... Just... I don't know, I need time to figure all this out.

Padrick: Alright, I'll be your korkor then.

Me: Yeah, ok.

>> 1 week later <<

Padrick: I really like you, will you please be my girlfriend?

Me: I told you, I like someone else...

Padrick: It's ok, I don't care if you don't like me now. You'll get to know me even better later.

Me: I really can't...

Padrick: Just give me a shot please?

Me: I'll think about it...

>>>>>>> NEXT DAY <<<<<<<

Me: Padrick asked to me to be his girlfriend... What is he like?

A and C: Give him a shot, he's really nice! :)

Me: I don't know... He's so persistent... I don't want to hurt him :\

A and C: Well, he's sad now, why don't you go for it and see?

Me: *sigh* ok. #I really want my friendship with JLee, I guess I have to give up something...#

~That night~

Padrick: So will you be my girlfriend?

Me: um yes..

*A few days more passed, talked more to Padrick*
To cut it short, I found out which primary school he went to and I knew exactly who went to that primary school before and linked them back together and they started talking again because they lost contact after Padrick moved to Shanghai.


So that person that went to his primary school was JY, one of the guys of the 4 best friends. JY asked how did Padrick meet me, Padrick answered: She's my girlfriend!
Cut it even shorter, now my whole school in Singapore found out that I wasn't with Zhe Hui, and soon Zhe Hui found out. Once he found out, he didn't talk to me. I understand, I didn't tell him anything... I still liked him but now that's forbidden because of what's happening. I ruined 4 guys friendships with each other and I could have ruined my friendship with my friend that means a lot to me, once again... I didn't want that... So we didn't talk for 4 months since. Upset, yes, this was the start of my Anorexia. Sick to the core, I couldn't eat. I felt ugly, too hard upon myself, I cried too often to even comprehend reasons. Everything was broken... But I kept a constant look out for Zhe Hui still. I constantly asked friends about him; friends that knew this deep dark secret within me that I still had the heart for Zhe Hui, and only Zhe Hui.


*Singing tune: BITCHHHHHHHHHHH~* Yes, I know but I kept honest through out my whole relationship with Padrick. Whenever he asked if I liked him yet, I would say, "A little, I'm trying. I need time..." JLee, my best friend again, in October 2008 said, "I really like him eh! I think I might ask him if he could be my boyfriend." Well, I cried that night. Someone I really wanted yet couldn't have. I've caused this, no one should know. Starve myself even more, I hate myself. Cutting down 1 meal at first then to not eating completely... My best friend with my other best friend I'm mad about... "All the best! Jiayous! YOU CAN DO IT! :D" was what I replied. I was broken, cried insanely, found all the odd reasons to break up with Padrick because I couldn't take it and I didn't want him to think my swollen eyes were because of him. So I did. I broke up with him...


Not a pretty sight... The next day, eyes swollen, friends run up to me saying he's emo-ing somewhere. He left my fave shanghai drink: Wang lao ji, strawberry pocky (I loved pocky, he bought me one every week. But I didn't like strawberry, so I gave it to my friend, C *BITCHHHHHH~* yeah yeah, I know... :\) and a hand-made sunflower under my desk. Cause I like sunflowers with a heart behind. Ran about school, finally, found him at the very spot where we shared moments. Slashing, shackled, eyes swollen too. On his arm he has carved my name on it. I remember wishing I only had 1 letter in my name because looking at the bloody "marilyn <3" was ugh. Friends left to allow us to talk. Talked to him and left him crying without a penknife. I broke it and threw it away. 2 weekends later, some went kbox and I didn't. They ordered alcohol and drank. He was one of them. He got drunk, (Shall save the embarrassing bits) cried my name over and over and started calling me. Conclusion, he started shouting "bitch" as well... Next day found him covered in more blood with bloody "Marilyn"s again. He offered if I got back with him, he'd stop... So... Got back with him for another 2 weeks and broke up with him again. *BITCHHHHHHHHHH ALERT!!!!!!*


I continued asking about Zhe Hui, he blog hopped and soon I could not trace his blog. He never came online, left many offline messages... No replies...


5 Months later, I see him come online! *HAPPYGIRL!!!*
Didn't say much, he told me JLee asking him out but he rejected. (I knew that, JLee was telling me how he sucks now hahaha) He became very suicidal , saying everyone hates him... He asked me if I was with anyone... 

"Yes, I am. His name is Ashim..." 

"Oh, haha. Last long! :)"

LPG's birthday. The day Padrick finds out LPG likes him, (They got together later) and the day where marks the 2nd day I was with Ashim.

to be continued.

Chapter 28: Here (1)

With a turn, I look and smile. Saying, "Indeed I've grown. Indeed I've matured. Indeed I'm blessed and indeed God is real because indeed, He has carried me through all that I've gone through."

This is one of my bestf, Yun and I. In the year 2007.
I know I skipped all the way back to the end of my Dark forest memory reminiscing collection but I feel its appropriate.
After all these years, my goals in life has changed. My aspiration has changed and so have my personality. I've learnt a lot, I've seen a fair bit and I've done numerous things.

Today I had my parent teacher interview (like I've mentioned in my earlier post), if you knew after getting my results back I was hugely disappointed. I didn't meet any of my goals. Not even the subjects that I've been soaring in. I prayed, I worked hard and I kept my promise to praise God no matter how I have done. Some of you might say: Hey, don't give up it's okay, you can do better next time. Or even some: Where was your God then when you needed Him?

He was there all this while. He was there the day I was just an embryo. He was there when I was a foetus. He was there when my fingerprints and footprints were being engraved onto me. He was there when I took my first cry. He was there when that surfer saved my life. He was there when I scooped that girl out. He was there when I sat my paper and He is there no matter where I'm headed.

Though I didn't do as well as I thought I could, I actually learnt an important lesson through God not granting me my request to reach my goals. He made me realise that He is far greater than these. Today, going for the parent teacher interview, being compared to my year level, I'm actually doing really well. 1st in Math, 5th in English, Top 10 for Human Bio, A for chinese and 18th in Chemistry. "Improving" was the common word I've heard. & The common question from dad: What could she do to improve further to reach her goals of As? & their replies are: "She's already doing it."

Frankly, if I am not who I am today, I wouldn't be where I'm at. I use to be the one who goes the opposite direction. What do I mean? When someone says: You must study. I rebel and never study but instead always play. When they say: You need to be quiet. I will say: I'll show you what it means to be noisy then and make a heck of a chaos.

So after all, God did deliver me. To Him all the credit goes for giving me such burning passion, such perseverance, such willingness and such obedience because honestly, it's a MIRACLE because I'm not that kind of person. But now, He, the One who blessed me so richly has been moulding me. This unworthy child. In awe.

& I miss you Yun Xin. I am exhilarated that you guys will be throttling by. :)

Chapter 13: Cookie monster (Part 2: 4 bestfriends and a sheila)

(Continuation from the story, "Cookie Monster Part 1: Meeting of Zhe Hui")

This is a photo of the amazing group, JUMAPAL, the people who are my family in Singapore.

This was taken at KAP, my favourite place when I returned in January 2011 at the start of this year. MISS YOU GUYS! :)

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Title? Sheila. It is an Australian slang for lady. Female. Girl. Yeah, you get the idea.

Now that I was in Shanghai, distance was something we did not fear. Trust was there; though not knowing when will be the next time we will be seeing each other, it did not matter because well, love back then was simpler. Until...

We did not know when to stop sharing with our mutual best friend how much we really did like each other. We went on and on about it. We bragged about how infinite we felt, how much we knew (that was what my brain was telling me then. Blame the brain) we were going to make it through these 3 years without worries. I was going to make it back to Singapore in time for Secondary 5 and we will be together forever. (Sorry for the cheesiness hahaha, kids, our life are the cartoons we watch!) 3 years from then would actually be this year. This very year, 2011. We told ourselves, it was not much and it will be simple.

Zhe Hui did ask if we should be all official. I was so scared I would be getting myself deeper into this especially since I was a player (bitch) before and if I do commit now and find out I am not that serious yet... I would crush this special "DA ONE"'s heart so badly and no. No, I did not want that for this, "DA ONE!". So we came to an agreement that we would both wait, we will pull through this and get serious much later on when I return to Singapore in the year 2011.

So because we did not know when to stop, we pushed our dear mutual bestfriend, Nigel to his limits... One night when I was in the middle of my wonderful speech on how much Zhe Hui meant to me, he stopped me. "I'm sorry Marilyn, I can't take it anymore. I just can't..." I got lost, confused. What was happening? He later then sent me 4 notes. Poems. Man, he is one awesome poet. I read them and was confused. "Wait... So... So you don't like... You don't like Emporio anymore!???" "No, I have not liked her since the start of the year. It has always been you." *DRAMATIC MUSIC* Then, I loved cookie monster so much, it was beside me. I hung onto it so tightly and tears started going. I excused myself, he appeared offline (But was still on) but carried on trying to comfort the shock and anger I had against myself for being so naive and ignorant and giving him all the pain that I was causing overseas. "Don't tell Zhe Hui okay?" I could not. I had to. I just had to tell Zhe Hui because it is not fair of him to be treated this way will you not concur? So I did.

The shock in his words, the pain we had. The guilt. I needed an outlet. I turned to Emporio but she rarely comes online back then so I sent her offline messages. I turned to Amalina, she was just as shock. I turned to JunYuan but before I started pouring all my lava in me, I asked,"Whatever Nigel said about you liking me at the start of the year... Is it true? Answer me honestly because I need to know honestly." Turns out it was, I told Zhe Hui so that he would not turn to Junyuan either. The following Monday, this is when everyone did not know who knew what because they were all acting cool. Monday night at the usual 8pm where Zhe Hui would come online and I would be chatting with him he drops the 4th bomb on me. "You know, today we were playing truth or dare. It was Brandon's (Changed name for privacy sake) turn and we asked him if he had a chance to spend time with any girl in 2f who would it be... He said you..." I face palm then so hard, I could not understand those words. I then said, "You know, this is so complicating... Why is this happening..." He replied, "You're special and I am so blessed to have you liking me too." My respond? I went on about how I was a curse...

All this was spinning in my head, I did not know what to do. The guys found out that they each knew bits and stopped hanging out together. Especially Zhe Hui and Nigel because of cookie monster... Of what I said on my blog that they all use to read last time on how when I hug cookie monster, I would remember Zhe Hui. (You could still find it in my archive if you really wanted to hahaha) Best friends split. I was at a lost.

& Because of his positive character his words knocks me out once again,
"It is okay, we will work this out. Hang on okay? Go and sleep, it is late. If not not pretty later hahaha i love you =)"

To be continued.

Chapter 10: Cookie monster (Part 1: The meeting of Zhe Hui)

This is the earliest photo that I can find on facebook of me and this group (Not everyone is here.) Those on the left are the guys that played a big part of my bestest memory back in secondary school in Singapore. I'm sorry Loysius, hahaha you look funny here. BUT I STILL LOVE YOU hahahaha. Back to the point...

Zhe Hui, Nigel, Junyuan, Amalina, Emporio... The group of friends I look forward to seeing each day in Sec 2f, 2008 ftw ;) We were a group of people who stayed back as much as possible to play, muck around and just chill. We were friends of gold and we felt invincible. We were there for each other when any of us was sad, happy or even just excited about anything and everything. I got to know Amalina a whole lot more in Dec 2007 and we are sexybutts till now. We have so many funny moments that are just priceless. When we first started school, Miss Cai XW asked us to introduce ourselves. Our name and one interesting fact.

Amalina: Hi, my name is Amalina... *Points at me* & That's my sexybutt!
Miss Cai: What? Erm okay...
*Gets to my turn*
Marilyn: My nameeeeee is Marilyn. THAT GIRL *Points at Amalina* Is MY sexybutt!
*Class laughs*

& Later we got class chairmans and class captains voting. 2 boys, 2 girls. Amalina and I got into the class committee and moments I've grown so much with her is just simply amazing.
In our group of friends (as mentioned above) we got to know each one better. We got closer, no doubt and those peeps of mine were my homies.

Nigel, I met in Secondary 1 because his sister (Alyson) is my sister's (Melanie) bestfriend in Secondary school as well. & In sec 2, we were bestfriends ourselves! ;)

Junyuan, the poor boy that Nigel had to pick on to tease that he liked me. Everyone knew it was a joke. Funny moments that Nigel made. Classic. Whatever that happens after, true or not is all history! ;)

Emporio, my favourite girl. One I can share just simply everything with. The one who nicknamed me "Slasher" for the whole year. Hahaha, good times. I love this girl to bits!

Amalina, enough said up there. ;) SEXYBUTT FOR THE WIN!

Zhe Hui, The one who always makes sure I smile everyday. The one who wouldn't allow me to stone. The one who always pull silly faces with me. The silly one who followed after my: *Points index fingers as dimples on cheek, smile* "SMILEEEEEE!!!! XD" The one I started liking in April 2008. I did everything I could to be in his group. His character and faith in God was what I fell for. I remembered talking about him 24/7 to Joey and soon Amalina. I was shy at liking a boy, I remember being so happy just spending time with him, mucking around. This went on for 2 months until I knew me moving to Shanghai was confirmed. He had no idea. But most of all... I was the one who had no idea.

The feelings had always been there as much as I was holding myself back. He'd bring lollies to school just to give them to me when he doesn't see me smiling. He'd be the one to poke me awake when I fell asleep in classes and the one who'd skip with me down corridors. The one who walked into a lamp post when we were talking, out at a field trip. The one who'd stay up with me chatting on msn. Slowly, I constantly told myself to push these feelings away. Shanghai was coming, I couldn't risk it. I still didn't believe in love just yet then because of what had happened earlier that year. Things were going fine, I managed to ignore those heart strings until...

August 9th, Singapore's National Day.
I just went for my Drama competition where we won Gold. I was starred as a little girl, amazed at high rise buildings. Hans gave me a rabbit from Build-a-bear workshop as a congratulations gift. I rushed down to meet Zhe Hui, Nigel, Junyuan, Siti Zahiya, Siti's sister, Sheenaz, Syikin and Charminn for the fireworks. When I reached the MRT station, I called Nigel, I couldn't locate where they were so Zhe Hui decided to attempt to find me. He did, he grabbed my soft toy, I held back but he replied with his cheeky smile,"I'll take it!" He offered to carry my bag as well but I declined. I was getting way too shy, he was triggering way too many heart strings hahaha. We met up with the group. He didn't allow me to carry my soft toy for the whole night. One string snap, next one now.

I was high on sugar, hyper like my usual self. We were running after fireworks and all. We did model like shots to kill time in between. We went through the photos later and at one of mine, I was just so shocked at how ugly I was. He stopped me from pressing next and said,"This looks cute." 2nd heart string snapped. I love skipping, it made me feel alive and free. I asked everyone if they would skip with me but after a while they were too tired to. We all skipped as a group but they were too tired to keep up. So I skipped a bit by myself, was slightly ahead of the group, stopped and started walking. Suddenly, an arm grabbed me and linked arms with me, pulling me to skip. It was Zhe Hui no doubt. I was taken aback, shock I turned to him and asked, "Are you not tired?" He turned, smiled and shook his head and we carried down the busy streets filled with people. People turned and pointed at both of us, smiling and sharing the joy and energy we had. 3rd heart string snapped. I slowed down and said,"I think we should stop and wait." "Nah," he replied, "They'll catch up. Don't care what people are saying, let's go!" And pulled me along. 4th heart string.

Dessert, he shared with me, then I was feeling high upon cloud 9. Going home, I was the only girl going towards the Bukit Timah direction. He told Nigel and Junyuan, "Aye, you guys better protect her ah! Make sure she don't get rape hahaha" There goes the 5th heart string. That night I'd replay in my head multiple times after. I was leaving in 5 days time. What am I to do?

2 weeks before...
Emporio (Knowing I still like Zhe Hui): I know who Zhe Hui likes!
Me: (Sad and disappointed) I don't want to know...
Emporio: I'll tell you when you leave kay! I'll write it in my last letter to you.
Me: Okay.

The class gave me a card they each wrote their own heart felt messages to me. His was one that made me smile so badly, he said "Muacks =x" and in his own card that he shared with Nigel, words I won't forget just yet. "I will miss you so much... & I know the class do too."

Nigel and him shared to buy me cookie monster. The very same cookie monster they left their name tags on. & The very same cookie monster I still hug to sleep every night since then. The way he carried cookie monster, skipping down to me and said," NAH! For you :) From Nigel and I." Nigel was at counsellor meeting then, so only Zhe Hui gave it to me. Thanked my favourite guys after.

The boy that I fell for innocently. First love they said, you'll never forget. The one I didn't dare tell because then I was a player and I was not too sure if I was out of it yet. But liking him for 4 months felt like forever. At the airport, I was saying bye to everyone. Last hugs. He did not approach me to hug until the very end. A hug so unforgettable. So tight, with so much strength, I was about to break down. The way he pressed against my back in that last hug, so happens to be where my heart is. The longest, I knew. I let go in embarrassment. He whispered, "Don't forget to love cookie monster and hug him everyday for me!" "I won't. :)". Boarded the plane, I read Emporio's letter. (Kept it till today!) So the answer is... Me. It was me after all.

Reached Shanghai in the evening. I saw him online and confronted him. He was so shy about it at first but I confessed first. I learnt, though I first fell for him in April 2008, he fell for this silly one on feb 2008. The "I love you"s after made me shriek in glee and spin and jump around. What were kids at 14 then know? Nothing but pure childhood love.

We talked that night till late and he said,"I'll wait for you... ♥I love you!!! =x"

Chapter 1: 2006, the beginning with influence.

(Sorry, I found no relevant picture for this hee)

In a math problem, when we don’t get the right answer at the end, we’re taught to start from the very beginning and search for that tiny mistake you made that made such a great difference in the answer later and ultimately it’s classified as, “Wrong answer” that’s marked with a red cross at the side.

So here’s the seed, the beginning of when it all started going wrong with the choices I made and the voices I tuned into. In 2006, I was still in AVA (a.k.a “Popular” from what you read in the previous post) I has always been cheeky, testing waters and always putting myself out there. 2006 I got moved to Patience 6 where a few kids in there are now labelled “Ah Bengs & Ah Lians” (Gangsters) were in as well. I’ve known these people but not personally until that very year. Of course, I mixed with them. Of course, I became one of them.

That year, I did the baddest of all sins (Or what I rated back then) and that was to steal and lie. I wanted to hang out with my friends, I wanted to stay out late, watch movies and be in arcades. (Timezone) Did I have the allowance (Money) capable to handle my expanses out of school? No. So one of my “brothers” back then, who with I hung out with too taught me to steal. (No names shall be mentioned. Security reasons.) Literally. I was on phone conference with our usual 8 people. Every night, until I sleep. We’d prank call together, we’d be swearing at each other. (But I didn’t swear. I said my f words yes but I refused to let it be my vocab… AT FIRST) My vocab eventually multiplied a million. I knew words that made no sense if you were scolding people. I mean, calling someone “vagina” (Hokkien) isn’t that bad if you think about it. In fact, it makes no sense. It just sounds crude but literally, it makes no sense at all but instead, it makes you look like the biggest, dumbest fool on the planet. BECAUSE IT MAKES NO SENSE!

I used my new found vocabulary abundantly, definitely. I said it many times to push people around me down. & I've said it to my teacher then, Mrs Chee. Called her a "bitch" in the staff room when she called mum. I got told off, of course. By the discipline master. But that anger grew so big I didn't allow myself to love her as a teacher until 1 year after I left primary school. She's a good teacher, one who has the heart, one who comes in with joy but has her stands. Probably that was what made her not part of my "favourite" list. But yes, like I said ^ up there, it's just plain weak and nonsensical. 

My first steal, I remembered from who and how much. I wrote it on my cork board back in my old house in Singapore so I’d remember this is how much I owe the person I stole from. “$50” to papa. But the week later, I needed more cash. So again, “$20” from Mummy, “$40” from papa. Week in and out the numbers just kept increasing on my board. Sums from $50 grew to $90 at most but in total, I probably owe them at least $500.

They never did question. Maybe they questioned themselves and suspected me but never did confront me. I remember how bad I felt for the first 3 steals. I would go back to their wallets and return some money. But not much, probably about $10 each time I went back. But I’m sure I still owe them about $500.

I stopped stealing after I had an allowance raise. I bargained with mum, and she agreed. This was probably 6 weeks later. I stopped going to the arcade as much and I know whenever I need money, I just have to ask nicely and my parents, being so loving and willing to grant us all the freedom in the world (as long as they know its legal and not ungodly), AGREED.

I repented, no doubt. Have I told them? No. Maybe next time when I’m much older. But this wasn’t the start of being back to the angel child. Like I said, this was the beginning of the dark forest of unwritten but lived tales. How? I DIDN’T STOP LYING. Lying, like a seed planted within fertile soil. Springs, but its not flowers blooming. It’s weeds. Weeds growing fast, hard to rid and roots grow so thick and deep…

At this point, I lied about everything and anything. Unnecessary or “necessary” I did it anyway. It got bad till the point my family themselves couldn’t trust me. In summary, it took me 1.5 years to fully be able to not lie unconsciously anymore. But it took me 3 years to not be able to lie anymore. That when I do, I blush or I’m not myself.

So to you who’s reading this and you tend to lie here and there... The journey of giving up lying might be tough but it’s the journey worth and necessary to go through so you don’t live lies but you outshine them and live in truth and your relationships with people would improve in abundance. You wouldn’t be a hypocrite anymore.

I couldn't have done it without God. I struggled. Like I said, it's tough. Very tough especially now the devil, the father of lies, knows you're moving further away from him. Keep pushing on, pray because if God is for and with you, who could be against you? :)

Chapter 4: A bitch's tale. & Chapter 5: The twins.

Chapter 3 and 4 of where it all started for me and relationships.
I was talking to this "twin" of mine, also known as Rayner, today on What'sapp. We're pretty tight now, we've gone through so much as strangers, friends, boy/girlfriends and now as close friends, "Twins".

It hasn't always been like this.
In the year 2007, after starting Secondary 1 a boy named James started talking to me a lot. He has been in my junior/primary school and have been in my class in Primary/Year 5 and 6. When we were in primary school, we barely talked. To me, he was such a shy boy I tried so hard to include him in activities we had. But when we got to Secondary 1 (Year 7), in one of our text conversation he calls me up and mentions he has been crushing on me since primary 4. I was taken aback cause I never knew he existed then. I asked him, "How was that possible?" He says he knew my name, how I was like through his friends and how he sees me with during recess and such. (I was AVA club, its like PA and whoever who was there were known to be "popular" as it was such a rare opportunity to get into) Thus, people knew people in AVA club. I rejected him at first but had childish ideas of letting go of Yong Quan (The guy I liked in Primary 6) through him. I mean, what did I know? Silly. So I accepted him eventually.

To cut it short, it wasn't great. It lasted for a month of... Nothingness. I hurt him so bad, (bitch) he probably knew I never did like him and probably caused his world to crumble cause we didn't talk for the rest of the year but cause I was his "first sweetheart" (bitch) he constantly asked my friends about how I (bitch... SHESH!) was doing.

About 1 month later, I got closer and closer to Rayner. He liked my friends and all and like me, he too was childish but what I didn't know then... He's always serious when he asks a girl out. But just like any young boy, he moves on fast. (THANK GOD HE'S NOT LIKE THIS ANYMORE.) So he asked me out and I said yes. Did I really like him? Was I serious? No. I didn't like him, I wasn't serious. I was just plain playful and then I had the impression he was a player.

On June 3rd 2007 (My 13th Birthday) at 12am ++ He asked me out. Later that day we went to Jurong East (The ice skating place), watched a movie (I don't remember the movie) and lost my first kiss there, got my birthday gift from Sarah destroyed and dumped (I was too weak to stand up for her then. I'm sorry Sarah...) by the people who then had issues with her and we headed to Bukit Timah shopping centre McDonalds for supper. 5 days later, Rayner grew a little cold. I didn't know why then but I wanted to express my fake sadness and that was when I started slashing. I started with scissors to pen knives, to rusty pen knives then metal ca-... (Okay that's another story. I'll come to that soon. Stay tuned ;D) He burnt his hand at YunXin's birthday party and cause we were already in a cold war, it was just weird. I didn't know what to do. My girlfriends urged me to go and comfort him. We broke up about 1.5 weeks after we got together. (For the dumbest reason on his side :P & He initiated the break up through Yun Xin! JERK :P HAHAHA) Later that week, we got into a huge argument between Sarah, Rayner and I. He went back to liking her later. I admit, I'm a physical love language person and I did miss this person not because I really liked him but because of being loved. (Selfish? I know.. BITCH. But I guess like all girls, we want to know we're appreciated, loved and beautiful and we seek these judgements from the opposite gender.)

That's the end of our friendship in 2007.
Later I got together with Isaac Goh. Okay, that's the next chapter!
Our friendship didn't patch back till I left for Shanghai in August 2008. He spoke to me on msn and I was honestly surprised. I thought he hated me and all sort of anger against me. I didn't hate him (I "should" have cause that time I thought he played me) I just thought it was weird between us. But we set it right again, we started talking more, started sharing more and our friendship blossomed into close friends in 2009. We got even closer in 2010 and now, we're tight. :) There are times we stay up talking late at night because of the unlimited things we catch up on or just share that's happening in our lives. I've seen him grow a lot since the first day I met him. The honesty we have between each other is bright, plain and simple. Just very honest with each other and our own personal struggles.

When I went back in 2011, he started liking me again and all his cheeky "I don't regret..." but after that stage and me leaving for Perth again, he confessed honestly again. Yet, this time we didn't screw it up. We kept it straight and simple. We kept to our boundaries and knew how our future wouldn't intertwine that way ever again. We've gone through so much nonsense and rubbish together and now, we have a friendship of platinum.

PS. When I went back to Singapore in 2011, I learnt that he was serious with me and I was the player. I played him thinking he was playing me. (OH WHAT A BITCH! OTL) I said my honest and genuine apology. & Now, we laugh it all off.

& I STILL MISS YOU TWIN! :)

Remember what I told you today. Don't forget, He's still waiting! :P LOVES!

Chapter 14: Anorexic

This is me with Hansika, 2 years and 4 months ago. You see the droopy eyes (drug-like) I have on? That's distress right there. Here is me coming clean once again. That's me slowly but surely coming out of the down hill, dark past I had. Why are they droopy? Cause I was weak then, not much energy in me. I was anorexic, my heart wasn't at peace, I miss missing Ashim (my bi then) and yet having a whole part of me still stuck back in Singapore, having issues with friends and Zhe Hui and all that that's not settled.

So here's my story on anorexic and why I went into it.

I was in depression that I've been taken away from friends I love so much and was practically my life and family. I lived the life of the world, one that has gone of the rails so far, you wouldn't believe I was a Christian back then. (This is another story) But here I am telling you, we Christians fall, we're humans after all. We're no better, we're no where suppose to be proud and arrogant. So I was in depression, crying more and more as I hung unto the past and even more when I look at Cookie monster then. (This is also another story) I lost my appetite, & relating to the cookie monster story, I felt ugly, fat (Like any girl), not worthy of anyone let alone God's love, a slut (Another story...), guilt of what I did relating to the cookie monster story, I felt alone and someone who isn't a "somebody" anymore. Slowly from the losing of appetite and the continuous refusal of food satisfied my loud speaking mind, I didn't know I was entering the stage of anorexic. It made me feel happy, the little sick joy I was getting from it because I have a high tolerance of pain, thrills as such satisfied my sadistic craving of self harm I used to have. (This too is part of the story where I wasn't truly a  Christian)

I would look at what the world called "beautiful" and look at myself, constantly asking why can't I be like that. People, especially friends and relatives would look at me and say,"Wow, you've lost a lot of weight!" I didn't think much then but felt proud of myself. I remember weighing 48kg. Before that, I was 56kg. & I was 1.66m tall then. Definitely underweight. If you look back at the posts in 2007 (I blogged since I was 11 but this blog dates back to where I've already fallen away from God and through the journey of fake smiles and all that) you'd find this sad girl hiding in a shell after knowing this fact.

So back to anorexicsm, Melanie came Shanghai to visit late 2008. She looked at me and she knew something was wrong. The first thing she said was, "Why do you look so sick!?" I just shrug and walked away. (Yeah, I was really quiet when I was in Shanghai. Told you, depression) She bought loads of tidbits oh which I turned down most. She had to bargain with me so that I'd have some. I did, but that was it. The taste of potatochips was so foreign, it was disgusting. One day, she looked at me and said, "MARILYN. I know what you are doing. STOP IT and eat." I gave her the devil stare and said, "I'm not hungry!" and walked away.

Soon, she left. We later moved to Perth, start of 2009. For the first 7 months to be exact, all I brought to school for recess and lunch was 1 muesli bar. That was it. Occasionally I'd get ice cream with my girlfriends but that was it. My friends joked about me being anorexic, and we'd laugh it off. But this solid rock in my throat reminded me that it's true. I was anorexic, I was. I knew it then. The more they joked, the more I knew they were right but the fatter I felt with each extra bite I had for dinner.

Soon, Melanie moved to Perth. I'm not sure if she truly knew what I placed myself in but she did make me eat more. She made me love food again. & one thing she said that stuck to me till today is, "Life is short, just eat and enjoy! Don't starve yourself!" Thank you er jie. :) Since then, I started bring a little more to school. Since my 48kg, I increased till 56kg again and after rowing, fats weren't the problem, instead muscles are my weight and I'm proud of it. Now, I'm 58kg, healthy, active and out of self harm.

Through it all, Daddy God has been there. OF COURSE! For this matter, He showed me that I'm not alone. That I'm not ugly, that I was made in HIS image, that I'm loved no matter what I do or how bad I've been before by Him who is LOVE HIMSELF. What more can I ask for? Cause He's reminded me, to Him I'm beautiful and the world's view of beauty is just so over rated. ;) So you, you who's reading this,

YOU'RE AWESOME, BEAUTIFUL/HANDSOME AND AMAZING. I pinkie promise! ^-^

Cai Sheng..

If you didn't realise I gave you 4 chances.
If you didn't realise I lied about not wanting to find you.
If you didn't realise I wasn't always smiling today.
If you didn't realise I still care.
If you didn't realise I got hold back for doing something crazy.
If you didn't realise I tried to catch up with you to do that insane thing.
If you didn't realise I just gave up trying to go after you.
If you didn't realise I still kept that message.
If you didn't realise I still have my weakness.
If you didn't realise I myself was going crazy.
If you didn't realise I tried to make you take the chance till the end.
If you didn't realise I'm sorry.
If you didn't realise You blew it again..

Every chance I give you once more, the hurt just gets deeper.

Why do I keep running away from the truth? Cause I'm trying trying to walk away but I know it won't be this easy.

____________________________________________________________________



Let: Check yes Juliet by We the Kings, introduced to me by Nigel replay on my phone non stop. Blocking all other noises out, retreating back to my own world. Whatever anyone said to me today besides during lessons, I only see your mouths moving but I don't hear the words cause I just want the song to blast in my ears at maximum volume. Can't really concentrate in class, just feel like sleeping. Lost my appetite, even chocolate mousse cake tasted like candle wax. I wonder how long this stomach gonna stay closed, feel so full even if I didn't eat at all. Forcing the cake down, felt like I was pushing a whole sewage system down my throat. It tasted terrible on my tongue, it felt sick when it was going down my throat and it feels like it choke up my whole intestine.