Goodbye Summer

Ended summer with a boat party for Nicole and Mish's 21st. Probably one of the many amazing things to have happened to me this summer.

Looking back on this season, so much has changed. So many extremes of ups and downs. Loved and lost, losing myself entirely, my identity and not knowing who I am, feeling so torn between growing up and just living my age, people I meet and constantly associate with over this summer, exploring new places, seeing snow for the very first time and feeling very much alone with and without family.

I guess she's right, I'm better off alone. At least then, I'm not a 21 year old problem just leaching off at nights and being heavily misunderstood.

Tell me oh my soul, why are you down cast?

I'm very excited for the future. For the things I can do, the time I will have as compared to this year and desires to reach goals. But really, among these excitement, fear and unsettledness is erupting...

Dino ear rings from Yi Lin! :)

Oh Lord, discipline my soul. I want to look up. I want to stay focused on you. My heart is deeply troubled as to how far I feel from you. I know it shouldn't be based on feelings but really, these feelings are indications that are acting as warning sirens as to the distance I have come. This year has been busy. Time that I have tried to set aside for you become time that I have idled away and I am sorry. Serving You is easy but fighting in this faith is hard. Who am I to demand for more time? Oh Lord, to You is where I want to run. To You is where I want to take shelter. I cry out for direction you provide but Lord, You spoil me with never ending love and I know the further I've gotten. To You I want to return, to You I want to take refuge. Why are my eyes gazing upon things that will fade? Clear them oh Lord, wipe these salt away and carry it's weight. Lord, I'm not happy with where I am. I'm not happy with who I've become. I've forgotten who I am. I've lost sight of my vision. To You I want to commit again, oh Lord, take these negativity and intensify them. Push me to my limits, amplify the pain if its a stepping stone for my growth in You because really Lord, I want to grow deeper in You. Take this hardened heart of mine and remould it. Burn everything that's not of You that's in me and multiply my passion for Your name. I want to extinguish every sinful nature I hold dear. I'm sorry Lord for the things that I've made. I'm sorry Lord for having half hearts and blinded eyes. Penetrate in me revealing every dark corner. Make me whole oh Lord, please. Lord, I will never be satisfied with anything of this temperer place because You Lord, are what I need. You Lord is who I want to seek. You are who I want to find. You Lord is the only One that would open the doors in this cold dark night. Be thou my vision, be thou the centre of my life. I'm coming back. I'm here.

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On a lighter note... LEAVERS!!! :D

Cai Sheng.

I'm losing contact of you. Somethings been going on in your life; now it's your turn to wear the mask of happiness. It used to be me but you assured me every min that I must take that mask off and share whatever I bottled up in this little heart of mine.

I'm worrying, I'm troubled. Coming up with thousands of excuses why you're like this, I turn back to smile at you again. Showing you, I'm always with you and caring. Things are flooding your mind, with cast out pains. You sleep it off, but the pain in your loving heart closes every window and door. The pain in you stays deep rooted there. It's a resident, unwelcomed that occupies. I asked everyday whenever my eyes met yours if you're okay. You always give that smile I've not recognise and reply with a answer, lying to me that you're okay. Where's that loving heart I'm familiar with? Where's the caring smile with every drop of happiness?

I know I've not been spending efficient time to bond with you and understand you better. I know your wishes, I know your hopes. I know your tears, I know your prayers. You're turning cold, you're not the summer's day anymore. Now, you're autumn's dusk. When I was cold, as cold as snow. As silent as snow fall. You were my spring budding warmth, and making me summer's dessert. Why have you stopped telling me how you feel? You even hurt the brightside for the first. The brightside stood still, heard you coldly whisper those words again and began to let drops of twinkle that reflected the moon fall like an Amazon waterfall.

While you are wearing the mask of emotions, I'm wearing the mask of smiles. Behind this curtain of threats I stood, trying to pull you out of the sinking sand pit. Picking you up from the dirt, dust you clean and give soul warming kisses to tell you someone here cares and ain't giving up on you. I believe you're strong. I know you are not anywhere near weak but slipping into breaking down is where you might fall in. Like ice in the sink, slowly melting down the cold horrid place of the drain. Don't give up. I'm always here for you. I love you.

I'M NAIVE. I KNOW. BUT I'M HAPPY, THAT'S ME! :D