what the world thinks.

I wrote this ages and ages ago. & its time to publish it:

"FAT" a common word heard among people of all generations. Some may not just let it be a word they use but also a point they add in their new year's resolution. Just watched a video about this girl "rant about fat bitches" as so she says. She labels herself "thick" and "boys like thick girls. They go for thick girls" and "Just accept you're fat. Not thick." Sad but isn't that how this warp world revolve? Many people struggle with this "harsh reality". Guys and girls, we all do. Guys want to be bulk and tank while girls, skinny and model like. Why so? So we could get judged by the opposite sex and feel approved? Or like some, just feel better about ourselves?

I admit, I have been there, I have mentioned the word many times, I have done ridiculous things in hopes to lose this "fat". Its alright to be cautious for health reasons but how skinny is skinny enough? I've just come to realise, that even if I am as skinny as that model out there, I know I still wouldn't feel satisfied. Some of you that have been following my blog might have already come to the knowledge that I use to anorexic. I started off that way because of depression of moving but I'm the sort that when I get into a habit, a mindset, I am fixed and its hard to get me out of. When I eventually got out of that "dark time", out of the depression, I struggled to get out of my starving ways. When I forced myself to eat all 3 meals a day, by night fall I will hit myself with huge disappointments and self reprimanding to a point I would not eat for the next 1-3 days. When the dark period left, I was a wrecked child. Pretty much weak and sick looking. But then, the old ways stuck. It became the result of "looking fat" or having that normal roll around my tumtum when I sat. Silly, ridonkulous and stupid. Its been 3 years since I was coming out of that old way. I've been saying, "recovery" and honestly, I am improving yet on occasions, I still honestly do it. Through out these 5 years, hearing people say, "Marilyn! Eat more!" or "Marilyn, EAT!!" it made me hit that point where I remembered I was 9 years old, in my Auntie's house, visiting my grandparents who came over from Sydney and walking down her stairs our conversation went like this... I was telling them about all the junk I ate and my Auntie asked, " Are you scared to grow fat?", I looked up at her and laughed, "NO! I don't care if I do. As long as I get to eat, I can lose them all later! I don't care if I'm fat!" "What if no one like you, how?" "Someone who will marry me if I am fat must really like me then." "Then he deserves you!" "YES!".

Looking back, that conversation, so innocent and honest. What happened since? Well we all grow up having our mind 70% of the time focused on losing weight.. Why?

Watching that video, it made me feel sad while conversations with friends about them wanting to lose more weight sunk so deep. I then reflected, know I am still struggling having been ashamed but it hit me so hard when I dropped a size at the start of the year.. That was then a wake up call to get out... But I'm still RECOVERING...