Ah Tah ♥
Receiving the news, I didn't want to bombard dad with the constant questionings but I knew things were crucial and it was now or never. Later I asked if I could join him on this journey, he gave me a firm no. He reasoned that I still had school. I was upset because I told myself I will definitely see him at least one more time. Now that things are getting critical, I will leave everything and go. That Saturday I had 3 parties to attend. Nicole's, Mika's and Mel-Bao's farewell. But as compared, they had to wait. Mum spoke to dad, he refused. Sissy spoke to dad, he refused once again to let me go. Finally, when I accepted facts I was going to be left behind, I resigned to the shower and had a little break down. Then a knock on the door came, it was dad. He is asking me when I had to be in school. Thankfully I didn't have anything major this week. It was an indication that he was allowing me to go! :D Sissy then came into the bathroom and told me to go get ready and pack my bags. I obeyed.That night I went to bed content and had a peaceful sleep. Dad woke me up. For a while I thought I had school but realised, this is the day! This is the day I am going off to Sydney! I quickly got ready and off we went. Mum's words to me at the airport, "Be a blessing among the cousins." "Yes, I shall."
On the plane, about to set off, there were a couple of hiccups here and there. But when we took off the journey was alright though bumpy. Was really productive on the plane. Did a lot of school work. (Yes, I am year 12. My work load is like never ending...) 4 hours later, touch down. Got into Norman's car and off we went.
Rushing there I didn't know what to expect. I was hoping for the best yet prepared for the worst. But I knew God is in control and I knew that even if I did get my desperate prayers answered or not, its His will. So far, there weren't any calls or texts messages. I really really am very thankful. God granted me my prayers and made me a promise.
We reached the Peninsula Nursing home, it was evening here in Sydney. (3 hours ahead of Perth) Walking through many gates and doors, walking through countless corridors I finally met familiar faces I have not seen in 7 years. Uncle Don, Aunt Lynn and little Jemma. They were eating, barely a fraction of a smile was all they could managed as they watched dad and I enter. We walked through that tiny outdoor area and there an open door to room 17. "My favourite number" I thought. & I remembered also Ah Neh's birthdate number. (17 Feb). I followed dad and 2nd Aunt through, entered the room and I looked upon that cordate face. His face was badly sunken, he looked so skinny. His eyes barely open and his harsh breathing rang through the hallway. This man once so lively and once so strong now looked like stick and stones lying on this bed that seem to mock his tiny frame. 2nd aunt said that he could hear us, just not respond. She woke him up with the gentle strokes on his head and revealed an open hand that looked like its prefixed to allow us to just slip our hand in there easily so he could feel our touch and "hold" our hand.
Dad was opposite me as we stood beside his bed. 2nd aunt whose eyes were terribly swollen and still watery probed me to speak to him. I couldn't manage. I blocked my mind from memories of descriptive thoughts that was a pictorial oral of this tiny, fragile frame that lied in front of me. Being me, multitasking was hard. No words came to mind but I slipped my hand into his and felt heat radiating between our tiny hands. 2nd Aunt gently spoke to him informing him of our presence. He struggled to open his heavy laden eyes. Only a tinge of his fading black pupil was revealed but his heart beats increased exponentially. I kept calling out, "Ah tah". Wanting to say more, just like days before I instantaneously became speechless. I really wanted to say more but its like something was having a grip at my throat. Soon, 2nd Aunt returned in to take her place. I slowly released his hands as that dragon ball between us slowly lost its heat. Walking out, I broke down into heavy grieve and started weeping.
The very thing I was anticipating weeks ago, mentally preparing myself but who knew I had a loop hole in my mental preparation that he would look much much much worse then I estimated. Tiffany held me in her arms as I sobbed and continued to pinch myself in attempt to stop. Then I managed a smile and looked up. Made a mess on the floor but I am sure I wasn't the only one. Dad just had deep dark eyes that wouldn't allow me to penetrate through to fully understand how he was feeling. I sat on the edge of the couch and stared at the ceiling. Preventing myself from shattering, I started to look at those hot air balloons stickers with clouds stuck unto the wall in attempts to add cheer in this sad, forgotten place. Nearby, little Jemma was just drawing the beach. Significant to me, just like the beach soon he will be in paradise.
Went to the toilet, took a breather and returned to the communal place where the Ho's were gathered. I attempted to head back into the room again. This time I took a deep breath but I started crying. I told myself I have to say something soon. If not I would just regret and be so harsh on myself for who knows how long. After more "Ah tah.." and provokes those words were to my aunt, she kept reminding me that he can hear me. Returned my hand in his and held a stone-like face trying to gather as much courage as possible to try to tell him myself that I was present. Aunt then said,"We know he will be in a better place. We wouldn't want to hold him back now, do we?" I was annoyed because that just made me break again... After she left I spent some time in there. Then dad walked out and finally, I managed, "我是惠娟" (I am Marilyn) and biting my lip, I watched a little bullet of tear formed at the corner of his sunken eye. I crumbled pathetically but as I watched the tear rolled down that little slope to his temple, I quickly wiped it. I knew he recognised my voice, I knew that even through that dementia he recognised the touch of my hand and the ringing of that distinct baby voice. I lost it there, covered my mouth I struggled to stand up straight. I didn't want to leave him but I didn't want him to hear me cry because of him. He tried opening his eyes again but his eyes so weak, so heavy, they didn't allow him to. His hands were struggling to hold firmly unto mine but surges of energy that allowed him to hold my hand came on and off. The nurses then came and they wanted to change him. I had to leave. So I did reluctantly. I went back to that floral couch and just stared. Holding back tears, I realised biting unto my fingertips aided me in holding tears back.
Grandma asked if I was staying back. I said yes firmly as I stared into her weary eyes. She tried talking to Melissa to make me leave. I wasn't going to leave but if it helped relieve her of this stress, I would go. However, Melissa finally concluded that we will leave this in papa's decision. The next time, grandma went to dad and asked him. I was opposite him, holding unto grandpa's hand. He looked at me and asked. I gave him the death stare and gave a strong shook of the head. He reasoned with her that I don't have many days here, it's alright to let me stay. I hugged her goodbye though I know she was shaking, unwilling to leave. We all were, because the doctor did mention it wouldn't be long now that he was going to turn to heaven gates that were just at his footstep, waiting for him.
It was then my turn to have dinner. I felt too sick in the stomach to eat but I knew I had to. Food that night tasted so bland though I knew that half my sandwich I had for brekkie was much saltier than it tasted the second time I consumed. Left with Melissa to go get our bags from the car, learnt some family politics and some updates but this time is crucial, how can politics come before this man that is "worldly" head of this family?
Soon most left. dad, 2nd aunt and I stayed. We were planning to stay overnight and watch over grandpa. 2nd Aunt have been there for nights and diligently watching over him in and out but for that night, dad and I could take turns with her to take shifts to watch over ah tah. Thankfully, I was still in Perth time (Jet lag) and I was wide awake when it was 11pm, Sydney time. Grand auntie Sue and grand uncle Dennis just touched down from Perth as well. Uncle Albert went to get them and they wanted to see Ah tah as soon as possible. They came about early 11ish, I watched as Grand uncle Dennis struggle at the sight of Ah Tah. It was just like a reflection of the past me, just hours earlier looking at this man we could barely recognise now. Uncle Albert was keeping me occupied with light conversations that did keep me from falling back and rolling down memory lane. I looked down and saw he had vans shoes on. Probably the coolest dude I knew because they were Vans sneakers not other types that they carried.
They soon left at about 11.30. I was doing my work in the dark there in the garden. Dad and 2nd aunt went to get comfortable and washed up for the night. I went and did the same after and went back to my work. They closed Ah Tah's room door leaving it slightly ajar so as to cut off the noise and heavy snoring coming from another lonely, aged guy in the room beside him. Aunt then resigned to the little bed that the nursing home has set up specially just for us Ho's to rest as we passed the night. She was next in line for our shift. I hooked dad up onto the internet through my phone and I went on to doing my Chinese. Before aunt left, she went into Ah tah's room to wet his mouth and throat as it was so raspy due to his limited water intake and also because he was breathing through his mouth which must have been so uncomfortable. She double checked with dad that he could hear ah tah's breathing. I stood by his door and went towards dad after she left, saying," ARE YOU SURE YOU CAN HEAR HIM BREATHING? Because I CAN'T." His breathing became softer after 2nd aunt wet his dehydrated throat but I had this strong urge to want to be in the room with him just so I am sure that he is alright. I brought my chinese work into the room and after writing just a few chinese characters, his night light flickered, as if it was saying, "Look up Marilyn". I looked up, watched Ah Tah's mouth opening slightly bigger each time he took in air. It was a different type of breathing because this time its as if he was trying to get more air in then before... I turned away thinking that maybe because he has come around or was having a nightmare. Then I looked up again, I set my books aside and went by his side.
I looked at his face thinking maybe he was having a nightmare just like how uncle Albert has told me that he has been having the day before. I stroke his collarbone, reassuring him that he's okay. His eyes started to attempt to open once more, just slightly more than before but still just a tinge. I think he could see me. I said, "Ah Tah, 好好睡啊.." Just like how I usually do when I wish him goodnight when he was with us in Perth for 2 months. I also smiled and stroked him some more. I watched his eyes return back to its comfort zone and I took a sit once again. I picked up my book and started writing a couple of words. That very same bed light flickered again. I looked up and realised Ah Tah went back to his grasp-like breathing. But this time I noticed the irregularity of his inhaling. I started to count in between each breaths he sucked in exaggeratedly. They were quick inhales yet numbers strung in my mental notepad increased. I stood up again this time and stood beside him. I was waiting for that next breath to come. It did. I was about to sit again but I wanted to be sure and wait for one more. It came again and I wanted to wait for yet again another one... But this time... I couldn't see if his little shrivelled lungs took in any air at all because the crease made on his blankie became so insignificant. I wasn't sure but I was at peace. I stroked his collar bone once more and I went out to get dad to help confirm.
At 12.17pm, in my head I knew, "This is it. He's done.". Saw dad with the mac on his lap as he was struggling with the sluggish internet. I called him in desperate helps to help confirm what I couldn't be sure of. I didn't dare touch Ah Tah in fears that I might startle him if he was just having a sleep. Dad then eventually followed me in, went to one side of his bed, placed the back of his palm close to his mouth opening. It now looked so relaxed as compared to previous times, it was under stress to grasp as much air as possible. He called out to him, nothing. No response, nothing. He went to the other side of the bed this time and I said, "Check his heart." Dad pulled back the sheets, revealed Ah Tah's favourite shirt (Or so as I assume since he always had it on) and placed his hand gently on Ah Tah's chest. Nothing. No beat, not a single thump could be sensed.
"Should I call Er Gu (2nd Aunt)?" He gave me a nod and I left immediately to the store room that was so foreign to me. I found her curled up on the bed with her scarf acting as her blankie, just like a little girl. I knew she was tired yet she has to come to know of the sadden, grave news I came bearing... I tapped her, called out and finally she stirred. "Ah Tah has stopped breathing..." Her murky mind, drained from tiredness didn't get me at first then I repeated again. She jumped up, dashed to room 17, that was badly lit just a few minutes before but was now blasting with lights. She went in and I followed after. She then did the same checks and asked me to go get the nurse. I walked out as fast as possible, went into rooms trying to find the nurses and finally I found them at the front desk. All 3 of them sitting there, not knowing what to expect. "Could you.. Could you please check on my grandpa..?" Words that I almost choked on finally came through. They came dashing, one after another and going through heavy doors and long mundane corridors we returned to that same nostalgic room. The head nurse ordered another to go get her stethoscope just to be absolutely sure.
I stayed outside as the room started crowding. I set on that same edge of the couch, unsure of how I was feeling I just sat there preventing provocative thoughts from interfering in my present mind. Bit my finger tips once again, trying to recollect just minutes before how I reflected on how it was like since I got to this place. I was still alright. I felt totally at peace and strangely settled knowing that this hero of mine, fought a good fight, ran the full race, love God's people and His church and most of all, served God faithfully.
My 2nd aunt came out with eyes swelling up again. This was where it got tough, its time to inform relatives and loved ones. I called Norm and Melissa, called mum and called Melanie. I was still alright until I heard Melanie's voice on the other end break when I told her of the sad news when Bao returned my call. She asked if I was alright behind her tears, I couldn't reply anymore. That same cruel silence returned and rob me of my voice just once more. She kept probing but words weren't able to string themselves together and she finally gave up. She then wished me well and asking me to take care, I could finish off with a "bye".
This time dad, 2nd aunt and I had to say our round of goodbyes before the nurses came in to take their place to clean grandpa up and prepare him for the funeral parlour to come retrieve Ah Tah's mortal body. Dad went in first, said his prayers and came out. Aunt wasn't around so now it was my turn. I went in, collapsed on the chair I was reclined in just minutes before and bowed my head and said my prayers. I crumbled once again, accepting facts and thanking God for this man who is so respectable, who not only showed his family, grandchildren but also his peers what it meant to be loved by the One who gave His all. I thank God for blessing me with such a great family, especially grandpa who also showed me in first person view how a life filled with prayer and close relationship with God was like. It has been a humbling 17.5 years of experience.
We then packed his clothes, his items all in black plastic bags then we packed our own items and got ready to leave. 2nd aunt drove us to her place, at the door we were greeted by Uncle Keith. Met grandma and her fragile frame and her deep swollen eyes and Uncle Don with his runny nose. Grieve was a painful thing. But grieve is easily conquered with comfort and joy from the Lord. It could be thoroughly seen in the Ho famfam that this in fact, is evident.
Grandma, uncle Don, dad and I stayed up that night till 4am just chatting. I first resigned to the room but that was because I knew it was time I had an outlet. I barely cried but the song from Hillsong, 'You hold me now' kept ringing in my head just like a reminder that Ah tah has finally reached his promise land from God where his room in God's house was ready for him to reside in. I finally attempt to speak to those that I couldn't speak to a day before.
Dad soon came in and found me in a mess of tears and snot. He then got ready for bed and I asked him,"How can you not cry..?" That very night dad shared how it meant to get up from depression and grieve to joy and assurance that Ah Tah is in a far greater place than anyone could ever imagine and he wouldn't like us crying here for him because just like how when he lived among us, he wouldn't like to be a burden to us. Similarly, he is not suffering anymore, we should be celebrating that he is finally back with the Lord and he ran a full race and fought a good fight. "I am sure that tonight, Jesus would have welcomed him home saying, 'Well done, good and faithful servant.' Just like Paul said, 'For to me, to live is Christ, to die is gain.'" Those words I found so reassuring and so comforting because they were ever so true.
My time here in 2nd aunt's place is a time I would always treasure. I simply love the family time I get here during this crucial period in each and everyone of our lives and knowing that we weren't alone was just enough to bind us together in joy as a family. For this, I knew for sure that knowing Ah Tah, he would have also probably prayed that we would be comforted in his leaving and joyful in his home-going because it was so.
Grandpa's funeral would be held on Friday. I wouldn't be here anymore to attend it but its okay. I wouldn't be able to hold it if I attended but I am just glad that God granted me my selfish, desperate prayer to allow me to send Ah Tah off into heaven just like how he watched me get baptised and joining the Christian family on my own accord. He also answered another prayer that hopefully, Ah Tah could see me just one more time. I am sure, he did. Even though his progress was improving as the week started, that caprice turn of events happened so quick, it minimised his suffering and also his dislike in being in a nursing home. God was definitely merciful.
The next day when I went in and joined the rest of the family as they visited the lifeless body, it was a hard time for many but for me, I found joy in the Lord where he replenished my grieving soul and allowed me to be assured he was alright and safe now. I stared at the same couch, visited room 17 for just a couple more times and went back to my warm spot and started counting the number of patterns on the couch just to prevent my mind from wandering down that path of memories as people around me shattered. I went in once more when Melissa and Norm finally decided that it was their turn. I watched Melissa slowly break that strong front, I knew if I stayed in there for another second longer, I would be her reflection. I left immediately.
This morning I learnt what kept grandma in heavy grieve.. "I will take you with me, where ever I go." words spoken by Ah Tah to his beloved wife while they were resettling from country to country. China to Malaysia, Malaysia to Singapore, Singapore to Perth and finally Perth to Sydney. She couldn't understand why he didn't take her with him just once more when he left for his roll call in heaven but dad spoke to her saying, "This time, its God's will to take him to this promise land. Your time on earth isn't done yet but one day when you have finished running the race, God will take you just like how he took Ah Tah." She is still grieving of course, because most of her life she was a faithful wife, supporting her husband in everything he does and followed him in total loyalty. Now that he has left, she has to reorientate her life this time and find another route that God has for her.
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Ah Tah and I as he taught me Chinese chess since I was 6. This was taken when I was 8 (2002), Singapore, our Semi-D house in Hua Guan. With Ah Neh sitting beside me, helping me along the way.
1 Corinthians 15:42-44, 50-57
So it will be with the resurrection of the dead.
The body that is sown is perishable, it is raised imperishable; … in glory… in
power… it is raised a spiritual body.… flesh and blood cannot inherit the
kingdom of God, nor does the perishable inherit the imperishable…. For the
trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be
changed. For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the
mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: “Death
has been swallowed up in victory.” … But thanks be to God! He gives us the
victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
Ah Tah, you are thoroughly missed but one day, when I have finished my race just like you, I shall join you in Paradise with our never ending singing of praise to our Heavenly Father that loves us so. I shall see you soon Ah Tah. 我爱你。
