dreams into realities

If I told you my dream, would you tell me that I'm mad? Or would you see this person, that even I myself don't understand just yet?

JEREMIAH 29:11-14

His plans for me that He reveals,
Scary, adventurous and yet... So real.
The passions, desires and longing to be even closer to Him screams.

He knows my heart so well, the intensity of wanting to have thrills, adventure, missions to fulfil and He blesses me with dreams that would glorify Him and satisfying my humane crave at the same time. I never knew... I never knew who I would be, who I am and things that I long to do would ever be at this point. I see so clear, who You have moulded me to be. Though I don't see the whole picture of Your infinite plans that You have in store for me wrapped in amazing surprises just yet but now, the things You reveal to me just really, I can't help but keep falling in love with You over and over as you "Remind me who I am".

Tetris

So in my previous post I said I didn't feel like doing anything. So I played tetris... For 2 hours.

& I BEAT MY HIGH SCORE! BOO YEAH!

Just the right face. ;9

But when reality hits, what you have left and ran away from remains. This has been going on for weeks and months, something is definitely wrong. I'm missing something. My completeness has loosen and something fell out. Something that I have not tried finding just yet...

I JUST WANT TO SLEEP FOR A WHOLE DAY, CRY IT OUT AND SLAY THIS... How am I suppose to, when I am in this state... I do not like this point I frequently seem to unconsciously visit... The cycle is always the same: Don't get a good sleep, wake up in the middle of the night for no reason, have an unrest heart from the dream before until the sun rises, get out of bed feeling dead tired and restless, go to school like a zombie, realise you look like a hag but who cares anyway... Negative emotions. Come home, silent. Negative, negative, negative. People ask what's wrong, reply is just tired. Daze, blast music, sleep and drift.

Something is missing...

difference.

Went to Gravity Concert Tour on Saturday. TWLOHA, music I don't understand. One of those rare moments I give in to putting some gunk on my face, with the help of friends of course.
Make-up actually makes me feel so ugly... Maybe because I can not appreciate it or maybe because I hate it so much, I tend to smudge it within 10 mins after having it on... I do not know how I am going to do it for Year 11 dance/Ball. <-- I am honestly starting to worry all over again... 12 weeks to exams, dance would be close to that and ball is SO SOON once school starts again next year...

Worry about? I'm going to look like a kid's painting of a clown because make-up is a necessity when it comes to dressing up... Guy to invite... Lets just say, I wished I had a guy close friend here too to understand we're never going to be anything more than platonic friendship... Sigh.

Right now, I am in one of those moods of not-do-anything... Not good, I know the cause and yet I can't bring myself to give in.
One day, one day.

It always comes back down to this day.

& Once again, for years 2009, 2010 and this year I can't help but sigh a deep sigh.
Singapore's National Day today and honestly, my last NDP in Singapore was a miracle my heart refuses to ever let go.

Spending it with amazing people especially the very boy that I embarked on a journey with exactly 3 years ago on this very day, at this very time where he shot me straight dead on the pathway with how he could make me never forget that very, extraordinary day I never knew was going to be  the same ever again.


"Taking my hand, pulling me down the streams of people." You, dear reader have already probably read that for the 100000000th time on my blog already. Especially on every Singapore NDP post I have each year since I left.

This post is just to you NZH. Read it or not, it doesn't matter anymore.

Dear 1234,
The way you made this linger in me is pretty astonishing. Uncanny and could never be comprehended. So it seems the start of this year was the end of that journey we started exactly 3 years ago at this time. It seems like a blow that I never knew would be from you. A wishing that God used you to fulfill. He has His purpose, cause "everything happens for a reason." Just like what we use to say. Your faith, I adored. Your character, I could not grasp. Ridiculously, you showed me who I could be and how I could reach my potential. You said,"Trust in Him. Pray." Words that came from you were like engraving of marble. You requested me to move on, I asked for time. You tell me it's been gone since that flower took after me, I broke and cried in helplessness. You tell me to take care, I said I always will. & You tell me the future you hope, I tell you to stop. Why do conclusion contradict the things you use to tear me down of my pedestal of hopes? Scarred, you made me promise your pleas of "Move on. Move on." I've tried. Since the day I took a step further, since the day you told me of fears or mine fulfilled. I tried since the day you became who I once was. 8 months has passed, still no footprints of yours... Further mistakes I've made yet lessons learnt. Simple things like your birthday, favourite colour, index number and anything relating to you is still memorised in me, complexity between us is gone and though the pain seems hard to forget at the moment, it was definitely one that I could relate with people. This is it, holding on is not deliberate anymore but like what you said, whatever the future holds, I would like to pick up your offer to still meet up but also with our other 2f family. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED ;D


In Daddy God's love,
Marilyn.

Chapter 2: Tong Hua's stalk

My last year in Primary/Junior school, I felt like a boss hahaha mainly cause I had friends I could count on, teachers that would joke around with me and places I've gained independence to go alone.

(Me and my primary 6 friends :) )

So like I said before if you've been following my series of "Dark forest of unwritten but lived tales", you'd probably remember me mentioning AVA club and how we got "famous" through it. Mainly because the whole school sees you in action with that big red badge and in this club there were only about 15 of us and only 5 of us were in primary 6, making us leaders each day we were on duty. In Primary 5, I was made leader of AVA club, constantly on the run. When I was Primary 5, 2005 it was the first year ever that our school merged Primary 3 all the way to 6 together in one session, the morning session. (Before it was alternate, not important) So through AVA, I made friends with Primary 4 kiddos in AVA club that were under me.

There was this girl, who was somewhat like me. Tomboyish and always act superior. We got along very well. ;) One morning when I was on duty with her, a knock came from the control room door. (The air con place we AVA peeps adore and fight for.) I was setting up and she went to open the door. This tiny boy, same year as this girl (LITERALLY, TINY) was staring up at her with this huge grin on his face. She goes out, closing the door behind her. Next thing I know, she opens the door, enters and I see that tiny boy on the floor. (DAMN GIRL! YOU JUST KILLED THAT TINY PERSON!)

I asked, "Who is he?" Replying annoyed, "Some annoying asshole." Fair enough to call him "Asshole" if he's that annoying I guess... "What did you do?" "Oh, don't care. I just kicked him." That's a bit harsh... So I opened the door, stepped out and still found him rolling on the floor with his hands on his crutch. *Oh, so she kicked him in the balls... Got to get rid of him before Head teacher comes for a check on us.* I stretched my hand out in offer to get him unto his feet. He took it and struggled to get up.

He was seriously tiny, so I bent down and asked,"You alright?" "Yeah, yeah. Thanks. I'm **Vin, what's yours?" "Oh, Marilyn. Okay, I've got to go back in... Just let her chill for now alright? Okay, bye." & I went back into the room.

That girl was pleased at her mighty kick at the spot so she laughed it off when we spoke about it.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>The Next Day<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

[Duty again, but back stage and not control room this time]
{Knocks coming from door, back stage}
I was going to get keys for the control room so along the way, I opened the door and see Vin standing there. "Oh, that girl isn't on duty today." As I stepped out and started walking towards stairs to get to the office for keys. "I'm not looking for her. I was looking for you." "What?" "Thanks for helping me yesterday and I know it sounds stupid but I love you." "Huh? I don't even know you." "I don't care, I love you" "Yeah, okay. Whatever, now leave me alone." & I ran off towards office.

> Days passed and I ignored him. <
2006 soon came and I started talking to Vin again whenever I pass by him. Found out he likes this other girl and she hates him and all that primary school drama. Then the liking started again. & I started ignoring him cause he kept getting people to pass me notes. Not greatly appreciated. Days pass and I realised he started hanging around my guy friends more. He started being their "underdog" and they in a way didn't treat him too nice. I was getting annoyed at this point when one of my guy friends approached me and did the wolf whistle with... "VINNNNNNNN! ;)" With the stupid curly eyebrow wave thing.

Few days later, I receive a phone call. You guessed it, from Vin. He asked if I read his letters, I said I did. But didn't tell him I threw them all away. Everyday he started to call and I lied as much as I could to just hang up.

The teacher in charge of AVA approached me one morning when I was on duty.
"Marilyn, can you come here for a while? I've got something to ask you."
"Yes?"
"Well, there is a new boy joining AVA and he is coming for training tomorrow. Can you train him for the control room please?"
"Yeah, sure."
"His name is Vin."
"Shit... Did he request to join AVA?"
"Yeah, he did."

Anger burned and volcanoes erupted. My friends on duty with me watched me rage.

>The next day<
Vin turns up for AVA training.
Brought him to the control room and totally ignored him. Taught him halfway when I progressed down the different sound systems we had to adjust. At one point I had to kneel, so I did and his face was so close to me, it wasn't pretty. I freaked, jumped up and left, slamming the door behind me and sent someone else up to teach him. I started duty with him the following week. He asked if I would be home that day, I said yes but don't call because I would be busy.

He called anyway. & He specially requested for me to not hang up just yet. "I've got something for you. Hang on." "mmmm." & In the background, I hear a high tune. He was playing the violin. To a song I really liked back in the year 2006. It was the most favourite love song that everyone liked. It was "Tong Hua". So, like I promised, I stayed on the line. He soon came back on and said, "I hope you liked it." "Mmm yeah, okay bye." "No, wait. Will you be my girlfriend?" "What? No. Okay bye." He hung up first and I was like woah what? That kid is on drugs!

*phone rings again*
*picks phone up*
Voice from the other side: Hi, is this Marilyn? (I PROMISE YOU HE SOUNDS LIKE VIN)
Marilyn: Yes, what? (Annoyed at Vin)
Voice from the other side: Vin is crying now. Why don't you accept him?
Marilyn: Excuse me? You are Vin. Can you please stop calling me?
Voice: No, this is his older brother and I care for my little brother. He refuses to come out from the room can you just talk to him?
Marilyn: Yeah, yeah, sure.
Vin: *CRY CRY SOB SOB SOUNDS*
Marilyn: Hello?
Voice that claims to be brother: Vin, she's on the phone. Can you talk to her?
Vin: No, she doesn't accept me!
Voice that claims to be brother: Look, he's crying.
Marilyn: So? You seriously sound a lot like him. If you were really his brother, you wouldn't know my number!
Voice claiming to be brother: I just pressed redial.
Marilyn: Yeah, sure. I seriously need to study.
Voice claiming to brother: Why don't you just accept him?
Marilyn: I DONT EVEN LIKE HIM. NOW LEAVE ME ALONE.


*Hangs phone up and cry* Yeah, I hate being told what to do...
*Phone rings again*
Marilyn: WHAT DO YOU WANT!?
Voice claiming to be brother: Tell him you accept him!
Marilyn: Yeah, whatever. Can I talk to him please?
{Vin's wailing heard on phone}
Marilyn: Can you just chill!? What do you want from me!?
Vin: *sobs* Will you just say yes?
Marilyn: I will tell you next month. Just give me time.

As the one month built up, he constantly told my guy friends that he was with me. Their daily tease drove me mad and I shouted one day in class. The class went dead quiet and my friend was patting me on the back to chill.

That 1 month passed and Vin approached me again. I explained I couldn't and all that. He was sad and I managed to somehow still pull it through with him all right after all.

Some event came up, I didn't have duty that day.
"Let's all give Vin a round of applause for performing today!"
Immediately lost interest and looked down to the floor.

"Erm, hi, my name is Vin and today i am going to play tong hua. This song is dedicated to someone in Patience 6"
My class went mad after. "OOOOOOO MARILYN EH!" & Everyone turns.
I'm gonna bite his head off! Yeah, I told myself that.

In summary: I left that year for Secondary/High school. He found out where I lived, somehow. My telephone number, somehow. The people I hung out with, somehow and what time I sleep... Somehow... Scared? Yes, annoyed. Pissed. Left ignoring him. He kept calling me after and slowly started to fade. Didn't talk to him until this year.
He started adding all my Aus friends, I got really annoyed. Confronted and told him off... I feel sorry for him yet at the same time, it made me even more pissed when I found out he doesn't even have an older brother. He's the oldest child...

Conclusion: Scarred and shocked. But learn to cope was a valuable lesson because 2 years later, another stalker came by my life in the year 2008 where she robbed bits of me, she never knew.

**(Name changed for privacy)