I have once struggled with the addiction to slashing my arms and I have not made a single slit since 2009, praise God! But even though I have proclaimed that as my past, I won't lie that it is a constant struggle to not get back into it. It has been alright in shutting these thoughts away until recently this year... This year has been a very trying year... Lost friends, felt alone, made decisions I struggled through and encountering my past right in front of me... The feeling of it goes something like if you have once smoked before, at one scent of a cigarette, a toxic yet strange craving in you is suddenly awaken. Like you just entered the cave of a wild beast living in you.
Life as you can tell is slowly getting stressful especially at school and wanting to keep up with people but I simply lack the time. It's definitely my responsibility to make it work but for now, I know I definitely need to catch up on school.
Negativity has started flooding me and honestly, I'm not surprised if this is another trial but to add on top of these thoughts, loose comments from very dear ones is adding to this toxic these thoughts are boiling...
"I can't do it." "This is it." "Just one?" "Just one and it will send this monster away." "Life is not worth it." "You're going to fail." "You're getting fat." "You're ugly." "You suck." "Eww, Marilyn." "You don't have as many commitments, yet you can't do it!?" "You're boasting." "Why are you so proud?" "You're not that great." "Just leave." "You're not worthy." "Escape it all." "Run away." "Just do it." "It's your fault." "Everyone leaves anyways."
Tonight was the pinnacle of this... Thoughts of leaving in the car, being selfish and just jam stop it all... So broken... So I started texting Puan because I am thankful for that little bubble of wisdom that God managed to squeeze in... She reminded me, Philippians 4:8
"...You'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious - the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not to curse..."
"Ah..."
How true those words are, how when we enter a time of authentic worship, its just God in our mind and hearts... So I did as the verse says, listened to the newest Hillsong album, Glorious Ruins. & I'm reminded that "He's the God who saves, He's the hope I hope, reaching out Your hand as Your people call."
