Tetris

So in my previous post I said I didn't feel like doing anything. So I played tetris... For 2 hours.

& I BEAT MY HIGH SCORE! BOO YEAH!

Just the right face. ;9

But when reality hits, what you have left and ran away from remains. This has been going on for weeks and months, something is definitely wrong. I'm missing something. My completeness has loosen and something fell out. Something that I have not tried finding just yet...

I JUST WANT TO SLEEP FOR A WHOLE DAY, CRY IT OUT AND SLAY THIS... How am I suppose to, when I am in this state... I do not like this point I frequently seem to unconsciously visit... The cycle is always the same: Don't get a good sleep, wake up in the middle of the night for no reason, have an unrest heart from the dream before until the sun rises, get out of bed feeling dead tired and restless, go to school like a zombie, realise you look like a hag but who cares anyway... Negative emotions. Come home, silent. Negative, negative, negative. People ask what's wrong, reply is just tired. Daze, blast music, sleep and drift.

Something is missing...

difference.

Went to Gravity Concert Tour on Saturday. TWLOHA, music I don't understand. One of those rare moments I give in to putting some gunk on my face, with the help of friends of course.
Make-up actually makes me feel so ugly... Maybe because I can not appreciate it or maybe because I hate it so much, I tend to smudge it within 10 mins after having it on... I do not know how I am going to do it for Year 11 dance/Ball. <-- I am honestly starting to worry all over again... 12 weeks to exams, dance would be close to that and ball is SO SOON once school starts again next year...

Worry about? I'm going to look like a kid's painting of a clown because make-up is a necessity when it comes to dressing up... Guy to invite... Lets just say, I wished I had a guy close friend here too to understand we're never going to be anything more than platonic friendship... Sigh.

Right now, I am in one of those moods of not-do-anything... Not good, I know the cause and yet I can't bring myself to give in.
One day, one day.

It always comes back down to this day.

& Once again, for years 2009, 2010 and this year I can't help but sigh a deep sigh.
Singapore's National Day today and honestly, my last NDP in Singapore was a miracle my heart refuses to ever let go.

Spending it with amazing people especially the very boy that I embarked on a journey with exactly 3 years ago on this very day, at this very time where he shot me straight dead on the pathway with how he could make me never forget that very, extraordinary day I never knew was going to be  the same ever again.


"Taking my hand, pulling me down the streams of people." You, dear reader have already probably read that for the 100000000th time on my blog already. Especially on every Singapore NDP post I have each year since I left.

This post is just to you NZH. Read it or not, it doesn't matter anymore.

Dear 1234,
The way you made this linger in me is pretty astonishing. Uncanny and could never be comprehended. So it seems the start of this year was the end of that journey we started exactly 3 years ago at this time. It seems like a blow that I never knew would be from you. A wishing that God used you to fulfill. He has His purpose, cause "everything happens for a reason." Just like what we use to say. Your faith, I adored. Your character, I could not grasp. Ridiculously, you showed me who I could be and how I could reach my potential. You said,"Trust in Him. Pray." Words that came from you were like engraving of marble. You requested me to move on, I asked for time. You tell me it's been gone since that flower took after me, I broke and cried in helplessness. You tell me to take care, I said I always will. & You tell me the future you hope, I tell you to stop. Why do conclusion contradict the things you use to tear me down of my pedestal of hopes? Scarred, you made me promise your pleas of "Move on. Move on." I've tried. Since the day I took a step further, since the day you told me of fears or mine fulfilled. I tried since the day you became who I once was. 8 months has passed, still no footprints of yours... Further mistakes I've made yet lessons learnt. Simple things like your birthday, favourite colour, index number and anything relating to you is still memorised in me, complexity between us is gone and though the pain seems hard to forget at the moment, it was definitely one that I could relate with people. This is it, holding on is not deliberate anymore but like what you said, whatever the future holds, I would like to pick up your offer to still meet up but also with our other 2f family. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED ;D


In Daddy God's love,
Marilyn.

Chapter 2: Tong Hua's stalk

My last year in Primary/Junior school, I felt like a boss hahaha mainly cause I had friends I could count on, teachers that would joke around with me and places I've gained independence to go alone.

(Me and my primary 6 friends :) )

So like I said before if you've been following my series of "Dark forest of unwritten but lived tales", you'd probably remember me mentioning AVA club and how we got "famous" through it. Mainly because the whole school sees you in action with that big red badge and in this club there were only about 15 of us and only 5 of us were in primary 6, making us leaders each day we were on duty. In Primary 5, I was made leader of AVA club, constantly on the run. When I was Primary 5, 2005 it was the first year ever that our school merged Primary 3 all the way to 6 together in one session, the morning session. (Before it was alternate, not important) So through AVA, I made friends with Primary 4 kiddos in AVA club that were under me.

There was this girl, who was somewhat like me. Tomboyish and always act superior. We got along very well. ;) One morning when I was on duty with her, a knock came from the control room door. (The air con place we AVA peeps adore and fight for.) I was setting up and she went to open the door. This tiny boy, same year as this girl (LITERALLY, TINY) was staring up at her with this huge grin on his face. She goes out, closing the door behind her. Next thing I know, she opens the door, enters and I see that tiny boy on the floor. (DAMN GIRL! YOU JUST KILLED THAT TINY PERSON!)

I asked, "Who is he?" Replying annoyed, "Some annoying asshole." Fair enough to call him "Asshole" if he's that annoying I guess... "What did you do?" "Oh, don't care. I just kicked him." That's a bit harsh... So I opened the door, stepped out and still found him rolling on the floor with his hands on his crutch. *Oh, so she kicked him in the balls... Got to get rid of him before Head teacher comes for a check on us.* I stretched my hand out in offer to get him unto his feet. He took it and struggled to get up.

He was seriously tiny, so I bent down and asked,"You alright?" "Yeah, yeah. Thanks. I'm **Vin, what's yours?" "Oh, Marilyn. Okay, I've got to go back in... Just let her chill for now alright? Okay, bye." & I went back into the room.

That girl was pleased at her mighty kick at the spot so she laughed it off when we spoke about it.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>The Next Day<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

[Duty again, but back stage and not control room this time]
{Knocks coming from door, back stage}
I was going to get keys for the control room so along the way, I opened the door and see Vin standing there. "Oh, that girl isn't on duty today." As I stepped out and started walking towards stairs to get to the office for keys. "I'm not looking for her. I was looking for you." "What?" "Thanks for helping me yesterday and I know it sounds stupid but I love you." "Huh? I don't even know you." "I don't care, I love you" "Yeah, okay. Whatever, now leave me alone." & I ran off towards office.

> Days passed and I ignored him. <
2006 soon came and I started talking to Vin again whenever I pass by him. Found out he likes this other girl and she hates him and all that primary school drama. Then the liking started again. & I started ignoring him cause he kept getting people to pass me notes. Not greatly appreciated. Days pass and I realised he started hanging around my guy friends more. He started being their "underdog" and they in a way didn't treat him too nice. I was getting annoyed at this point when one of my guy friends approached me and did the wolf whistle with... "VINNNNNNNN! ;)" With the stupid curly eyebrow wave thing.

Few days later, I receive a phone call. You guessed it, from Vin. He asked if I read his letters, I said I did. But didn't tell him I threw them all away. Everyday he started to call and I lied as much as I could to just hang up.

The teacher in charge of AVA approached me one morning when I was on duty.
"Marilyn, can you come here for a while? I've got something to ask you."
"Yes?"
"Well, there is a new boy joining AVA and he is coming for training tomorrow. Can you train him for the control room please?"
"Yeah, sure."
"His name is Vin."
"Shit... Did he request to join AVA?"
"Yeah, he did."

Anger burned and volcanoes erupted. My friends on duty with me watched me rage.

>The next day<
Vin turns up for AVA training.
Brought him to the control room and totally ignored him. Taught him halfway when I progressed down the different sound systems we had to adjust. At one point I had to kneel, so I did and his face was so close to me, it wasn't pretty. I freaked, jumped up and left, slamming the door behind me and sent someone else up to teach him. I started duty with him the following week. He asked if I would be home that day, I said yes but don't call because I would be busy.

He called anyway. & He specially requested for me to not hang up just yet. "I've got something for you. Hang on." "mmmm." & In the background, I hear a high tune. He was playing the violin. To a song I really liked back in the year 2006. It was the most favourite love song that everyone liked. It was "Tong Hua". So, like I promised, I stayed on the line. He soon came back on and said, "I hope you liked it." "Mmm yeah, okay bye." "No, wait. Will you be my girlfriend?" "What? No. Okay bye." He hung up first and I was like woah what? That kid is on drugs!

*phone rings again*
*picks phone up*
Voice from the other side: Hi, is this Marilyn? (I PROMISE YOU HE SOUNDS LIKE VIN)
Marilyn: Yes, what? (Annoyed at Vin)
Voice from the other side: Vin is crying now. Why don't you accept him?
Marilyn: Excuse me? You are Vin. Can you please stop calling me?
Voice: No, this is his older brother and I care for my little brother. He refuses to come out from the room can you just talk to him?
Marilyn: Yeah, yeah, sure.
Vin: *CRY CRY SOB SOB SOUNDS*
Marilyn: Hello?
Voice that claims to be brother: Vin, she's on the phone. Can you talk to her?
Vin: No, she doesn't accept me!
Voice that claims to be brother: Look, he's crying.
Marilyn: So? You seriously sound a lot like him. If you were really his brother, you wouldn't know my number!
Voice claiming to be brother: I just pressed redial.
Marilyn: Yeah, sure. I seriously need to study.
Voice claiming to brother: Why don't you just accept him?
Marilyn: I DONT EVEN LIKE HIM. NOW LEAVE ME ALONE.


*Hangs phone up and cry* Yeah, I hate being told what to do...
*Phone rings again*
Marilyn: WHAT DO YOU WANT!?
Voice claiming to be brother: Tell him you accept him!
Marilyn: Yeah, whatever. Can I talk to him please?
{Vin's wailing heard on phone}
Marilyn: Can you just chill!? What do you want from me!?
Vin: *sobs* Will you just say yes?
Marilyn: I will tell you next month. Just give me time.

As the one month built up, he constantly told my guy friends that he was with me. Their daily tease drove me mad and I shouted one day in class. The class went dead quiet and my friend was patting me on the back to chill.

That 1 month passed and Vin approached me again. I explained I couldn't and all that. He was sad and I managed to somehow still pull it through with him all right after all.

Some event came up, I didn't have duty that day.
"Let's all give Vin a round of applause for performing today!"
Immediately lost interest and looked down to the floor.

"Erm, hi, my name is Vin and today i am going to play tong hua. This song is dedicated to someone in Patience 6"
My class went mad after. "OOOOOOO MARILYN EH!" & Everyone turns.
I'm gonna bite his head off! Yeah, I told myself that.

In summary: I left that year for Secondary/High school. He found out where I lived, somehow. My telephone number, somehow. The people I hung out with, somehow and what time I sleep... Somehow... Scared? Yes, annoyed. Pissed. Left ignoring him. He kept calling me after and slowly started to fade. Didn't talk to him until this year.
He started adding all my Aus friends, I got really annoyed. Confronted and told him off... I feel sorry for him yet at the same time, it made me even more pissed when I found out he doesn't even have an older brother. He's the oldest child...

Conclusion: Scarred and shocked. But learn to cope was a valuable lesson because 2 years later, another stalker came by my life in the year 2008 where she robbed bits of me, she never knew.

**(Name changed for privacy)

Chapter 15: A bitch's tale 2 (Pad) + Cookie monster (Part 3: For a friend and pain)

This following story is rated: "BRAIN FART"
It contains a series of unfortunate events and truths of Marilyn's reality.

In the year 2008, it was the year that was most significant to me. It's the year that God completed His patch work from the land mine I planted the year before and blew myself up, the year a friend shook my life, the year I liked a boy and was seriously serious and the year, that pushed me to a point I thought had no return.

But this part today is just about boys, more boys and a friend.

(Continuation from: Cookie monster (Part 2: 4 best friends and a sheila))

Promises made between Zhe Hui and I. Questions were popped but smart decisions were made. He asked if I would be his, we talked about it, came to a conclusion that not yet, but we'll wait for each other. I mean, 3 years later I'd be back, its OK, I know I am serious about this person but fears in me, built and engulfed my being. 


I was a player before, how do I know for certain that I wouldn't play with this guy? So what if I liked him since April? It's only been 4 months of liking and the desire to want to share my life with this person was still burning strong. But how could you compare that with 3 years that's ahead of us? 3 years, I know if we get together now, I'd bound to break his fragile heart. "You're the first girl I really love. You showed me that I am more than who I thought I was, you showed me the world from a different perspective. You're just so different." <--- Heart strings SNAP! SNAP SNAP! 


"I'll wait for you, its ok. We will make it through this =)" Yeah, 3 years later I will be in sec5, 2011. 3 years, I will still return to the same school I left. I will be back to where he was, I can do this! I'll tell you blatantly honest, Zhe Hui, read this or not, I know you know this. To me, you caught me off guard, after I got played at the end of January 2008, I told myself I will never get into a relationship ever again. Love is bullshit, who needs it, its a waste of time. I knew I was strong enough to fly solo all the way, die alone, its okay, I've got family and friends who love me. You showed me what it meant to love. I've never learnt love in practical terms properly since my relationships from the very start were all based on playing already. You showed me what it meant to be serious about God. You showed me what it meant to forgive my family, you showed me what it meant to love them especially and you showed me what it meant to care about my future instead of just being the usual me of mucking around and making a fool of myself. You showed me what it meant to fight for what I know is worth, just have faith. 


For this, I knew Zhe Hui was different. I knew, he wasn't like any other guys. I knew, he meant every word he said. He was so honest and so caring... Who was I kidding? He's "DA ONE!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Marilyn? Do you still like Zhe Hui?" Was the question that stopped my thoughts. It came from a friend... No, not just any friend. A friend that was my best friend at the end of sec1 2007 and at the start of 2008. We did everything together. We went out together, went for drama classes together, lunch together, sleepovers together, gaming together and staying awake for numerous nights in a row just for the fun of it. 


Our friendship stopped abruptly on the second week of April 2008. We didn't talk for the rest of the time I was in Singapore, though I tried writing letters. I cried, honestly because losing a best friend isn't easy I'll say. It's hard and soon you learn that, don't give up because I knew I needed this person in my life. She claimed she didn't care about me. She tried proving it by swearing at me, saying I was using people etc etc. But we patched it up awkwardly at the airport when I was leaving for Shanghai. She turned up, I was surprised and when it came to hugging, I teared when she came forward. Conclusion, we became best friends again after I left till this very day. :) She's someone I don't want to lose again. Ever. & I mean those words.


So when she asked me that question, I froze and thought to myself... "She likes him! SHE LIKES HIM... I've lost 3 other friends (the 3 guys that somehow liked me) I can't lose her again..." My reply: "Erm... No... not anymore, why? :)" "Oh, haha cause I think I'm starting to like him. Now I see why you like him before haha :$" 

WHY... WHYYYY? WHY!? WHYYYYYYYY!?

maybe I'm not meant to be with this person... I should give up now before its too late... Friends before guys, I've told myself that since the very start...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Next day at SSIS, in Chinese class, boys were playing with crushed paper balls at the back of the class, near where I was seated. One boy, named Padrick threw one under my chair. I picked it up, threw it back and they were all: OOOOOOO o-o and continued.

Went home, came online:

*MSN SOUND: NEW FRIEND REQUEST!*

Padrick wants to be friends, do you accept or ignore?

*Click accept*

Padrick: Hey :)

-fast forward conversation-

Padrick: Will you be my girlfriend?

Me: Wait what? I don't even know you... I didn't even know you existed until you added me on msn...

Padrick: It's ok, we'll get to know each other along the way.

Me: Sorry... I can't... I kinda still like someone else... Just... I don't know, I need time to figure all this out.

Padrick: Alright, I'll be your korkor then.

Me: Yeah, ok.

>> 1 week later <<

Padrick: I really like you, will you please be my girlfriend?

Me: I told you, I like someone else...

Padrick: It's ok, I don't care if you don't like me now. You'll get to know me even better later.

Me: I really can't...

Padrick: Just give me a shot please?

Me: I'll think about it...

>>>>>>> NEXT DAY <<<<<<<

Me: Padrick asked to me to be his girlfriend... What is he like?

A and C: Give him a shot, he's really nice! :)

Me: I don't know... He's so persistent... I don't want to hurt him :\

A and C: Well, he's sad now, why don't you go for it and see?

Me: *sigh* ok. #I really want my friendship with JLee, I guess I have to give up something...#

~That night~

Padrick: So will you be my girlfriend?

Me: um yes..

*A few days more passed, talked more to Padrick*
To cut it short, I found out which primary school he went to and I knew exactly who went to that primary school before and linked them back together and they started talking again because they lost contact after Padrick moved to Shanghai.


So that person that went to his primary school was JY, one of the guys of the 4 best friends. JY asked how did Padrick meet me, Padrick answered: She's my girlfriend!
Cut it even shorter, now my whole school in Singapore found out that I wasn't with Zhe Hui, and soon Zhe Hui found out. Once he found out, he didn't talk to me. I understand, I didn't tell him anything... I still liked him but now that's forbidden because of what's happening. I ruined 4 guys friendships with each other and I could have ruined my friendship with my friend that means a lot to me, once again... I didn't want that... So we didn't talk for 4 months since. Upset, yes, this was the start of my Anorexia. Sick to the core, I couldn't eat. I felt ugly, too hard upon myself, I cried too often to even comprehend reasons. Everything was broken... But I kept a constant look out for Zhe Hui still. I constantly asked friends about him; friends that knew this deep dark secret within me that I still had the heart for Zhe Hui, and only Zhe Hui.


*Singing tune: BITCHHHHHHHHHHH~* Yes, I know but I kept honest through out my whole relationship with Padrick. Whenever he asked if I liked him yet, I would say, "A little, I'm trying. I need time..." JLee, my best friend again, in October 2008 said, "I really like him eh! I think I might ask him if he could be my boyfriend." Well, I cried that night. Someone I really wanted yet couldn't have. I've caused this, no one should know. Starve myself even more, I hate myself. Cutting down 1 meal at first then to not eating completely... My best friend with my other best friend I'm mad about... "All the best! Jiayous! YOU CAN DO IT! :D" was what I replied. I was broken, cried insanely, found all the odd reasons to break up with Padrick because I couldn't take it and I didn't want him to think my swollen eyes were because of him. So I did. I broke up with him...


Not a pretty sight... The next day, eyes swollen, friends run up to me saying he's emo-ing somewhere. He left my fave shanghai drink: Wang lao ji, strawberry pocky (I loved pocky, he bought me one every week. But I didn't like strawberry, so I gave it to my friend, C *BITCHHHHHH~* yeah yeah, I know... :\) and a hand-made sunflower under my desk. Cause I like sunflowers with a heart behind. Ran about school, finally, found him at the very spot where we shared moments. Slashing, shackled, eyes swollen too. On his arm he has carved my name on it. I remember wishing I only had 1 letter in my name because looking at the bloody "marilyn <3" was ugh. Friends left to allow us to talk. Talked to him and left him crying without a penknife. I broke it and threw it away. 2 weekends later, some went kbox and I didn't. They ordered alcohol and drank. He was one of them. He got drunk, (Shall save the embarrassing bits) cried my name over and over and started calling me. Conclusion, he started shouting "bitch" as well... Next day found him covered in more blood with bloody "Marilyn"s again. He offered if I got back with him, he'd stop... So... Got back with him for another 2 weeks and broke up with him again. *BITCHHHHHHHHHH ALERT!!!!!!*


I continued asking about Zhe Hui, he blog hopped and soon I could not trace his blog. He never came online, left many offline messages... No replies...


5 Months later, I see him come online! *HAPPYGIRL!!!*
Didn't say much, he told me JLee asking him out but he rejected. (I knew that, JLee was telling me how he sucks now hahaha) He became very suicidal , saying everyone hates him... He asked me if I was with anyone... 

"Yes, I am. His name is Ashim..." 

"Oh, haha. Last long! :)"

LPG's birthday. The day Padrick finds out LPG likes him, (They got together later) and the day where marks the 2nd day I was with Ashim.

to be continued.