Silent child

Silent child.
When a voice becomes mute,
when eyes that reflects the sky droops.
When smiles and life fade,
when wants are transferred.
When tears speak for the mind,
when life is tuned backwards.
When heavy wants are heard as cries,
when words are no longer of use.
When under the sheets was the safest place,
when imagination are just child's fantasies.
When one's wants is placed through you,
for you.
When you're left behind bars,
and volume is minimised to nothing.
When all you were once capable of is stripped away,
when you are there to listen you're told to listen.
When your nature was to speak for justice,
voice of innocence and love.
Care and concern being shunned,
when the birds start chirping,
you mock with that jester hat.
Laughter that was once known as joy,
turns to mockery and jeer.
Irony of happiness,
turns hearts of love to emptiness.
When all she's left is silence.
Control gone out of control.
One day she hopes and pray,
that the One greater than these,
the One who has been her refuge and shield,
will transform that clown of laughter.
To bring that inner cotton blankie out.
Silent child.

Homecoming prince.

Homecoming prince.
Watching you come out, something in me snapped.
Holding you in my arms, I start to recollect the times it was I who was the weaker one.
Time has brought me into this future.
Coming out of those doors are just like coming out of a time machine that I've never wished would come down to...
The one who I've always thought would be here forever; that willed minded thought starts to evaporate.
The one who has never given up on me, showed me through love what it was meant to be loved and to love.
Showed me who I was and who I belonged to.
Showed me that I wasn't just your princess but also a princess bigger than I ever thought I would ever be in this world of running clay.
That one extra leg, I detest it.
A helping aid that takes a lot of humbling to acknowledge.
Broken, I feel your beats.
Tearing, you sense my unsettled soul.
I'm scared and you know it.
I don't want to lose you yet I know, you're not mine to keep.
That single mutation, that code of error.
Where chemicals are all in confusion that leads you to a tale down to your homecoming.
He is not done, you are not either.
Once the task has been completed, once the checklist has been crushed and thrown away...
Once the roll call commences, I will be required to take my leave.
Turning back, scenes will change.
Further and further I will keep walking away
yet closer and closer memories will track down
from the very day you held me in your arms,
to the day it just leaves with me to finally let go of this grip I cling so tightly in this present.
A selfish prayer, a selfish tear.
You will never return but I know I will return to you.
We'll all celebrate and throw parties that never ends.
A few clicks of the clock and I will be with you again.
Time that speeds, spends long years of going round in circles.
Yet, we always know that for certain we will have that fairytale ending.
Soon, yet all in His time and we'll be back.
Reunited for all those years we have waited for.
Homecoming prince.

SLY.

I like this picture but I don't like how I spoilt it.

CHEEKY BUSTARD. 

Chapter 16: A bitch's tale 2.5 (Ashim)

This is where Bitch ½ comes in… I was with “Bi” 2 months after Padrick in Shanghai. This was in December 2008. I got in this relationship meaning to try to move on from ZH and all the drama from before. Forcing myself to move on. I didn’t really have any feelings for Bi at first, to be honest. (BITTTTTCHHHHHH!~) He was like the cutest boy in school that had many amazing qualities. He was all loving and I honestly did like him after... But not enough for me to forget ZH… (I told him about ZH to be honest, from the day we played a game which brought us together eventually, till today.)

We soon learnt that Bi was to leave for Sydney in January 2009. We treasured every moment we got there after. A couple of weeks later, we also learnt that I was moving to Australia too! Sydney as well! Amazing! Time flew by, time spent with him was memorable, great and fun.  It was time for Bi to leave, it was hard peeling myself off him. I really did like him. 2 weeks time then and I would be on my way to Sydney too! A few days later, parents broke the sad news to me. They have changed our application to Perth instead. PERTH!? The black hole where all the cactuses live!? I threw a huge tantrum. 

I told Bi. I was bawling my eyes out but he assured me that we could go through with long distance relationship. He’d come to Perth to visit when he is able to since we’re already in the same country. Seems promising.

Cut the long story short, we were together for 2 months physically and LDR in total of 9 months, which means we were together for 11 months in total. We ended in November 2009. We broke up twice, once because I really still liked ZH and I requested for some time to think it through. We got back after I learnt ZH had a girlfriend. I thought maybe its time for me to move on too… The second time it was my fault once again. I was so confused. The time difference was driving me nuts and him not sharing the same faith, are we just running on high false hopes? But we got back again. The last time though was when we sat down and seriously talked it out. We realised we didn’t know where we are headed and I would not see him anytime soon. It was getting pointless. After all, “If you love someone, let them go. If they return, its meant to be and if they don’t, its not it.”

(If you have read my blog 2 years ago, you might remember this picture.) World, this is "Bi" 

PS. He's not anymore. HAHA

Then, I still have not moved on from ZH. I really liked Bi but if you asked me to pick, I’d freak, start running and never stop.


To be continued.

Loving.

via tumblr. So cute. That's how I'm positioned at the moment blogging and feeling this way hahaha.

Thinking about it, I realised I "forgot" what its like to like someone. I'm always reading quotes that people post on tumblr about love and about this person they really like but it makes me wonder if I have that emotion somewhat like how they describe it to be... To be honest, I don't.

It's funny, so uncanny how I can say honestly I did like someone for a really long time but to say I love him... I don't know... How do you tell when it "graduates" to love? It's a whole new level that is so... alien. I did say he was my "first love" but... It was mostly agonising pain instead of how people say, joy, new life etc. Well, butterflies, yes for the first 4 months then pain for the next 3 years that still lingers...

I had a conversation with one of my bros recently about marriage. I'm honestly scared about the thought and the commitment. It's such a huge commitment that is only possible with God... Watching older couples, I have to agree that the closer they draw towards God together, serving in church together, they still look at each other, in the eye with such burning love that they had since it ignited even when it was 50+ years ago. <-- I really hope my own marriage (If I ever get married HAHAHA) would be like that too... The more I watch, the more the realisation it is to know the relationship with God is so simple. It just requires me to love Him back yet... I do fail at times... But one thing I know, the love for God has compelled me before. (To be honest, its extra obvious when I'm spiritually high) It felt amazing, awesome and each day feels like joy that wakes up in excitement in knowing God is in my life.

Now, I'm still longing to get that back. At the same time... To forget the feeling of loving someone is good and bad I guess. Refreshing when it probably happens again yet, when people tease me with someone, it starts pushing me into questions if what they say is true since I can't exactly tell anymore. (If you know what I mean) But thankfully, most times I prepare my mental state to know if I do have interest in someone or not.