I've been roaming and wandering for a while now.
Gone out, have fun, felt "free", felt falsely invincible
but none of these can extinguish this anguish of reality.
My mind is in a land filled with alluring happiness that fades,
my heart has been shut away.

Been living in a land far far away, my eyes open but my soul not present.

I'm torn between "should" and "have". What am I doing? I wish an answer was ready because even I lack this vital information to maybe do something about all this. This mess I've found myself just floating in so willingly. I want to get out of this. I just don't know how. We are all going to get burned...

PRAY

Sitting here mid way of exams, I hear news about the world.
I see people change their profile pictures in hope to bring awareness.
We see this broken world come together over another unseen universe to show it's unity.
Pain.

When fire is ignited, it goes ablaze burning everything leaving a journey.
Tearing through towns, through hearts.
Hearts that cross this journey.
Revenge.

We get consumed, we react.
We get angry, we retaliate.
In bitterness we are blinded, our vision marred.
Avenge.

This planet is groaning in pain,
People turn to a God they dismiss when their hands are occupied.
Do we pray earnestly or toy with the word "prayer"?
Yearn.

A story of a girl in a broken world.

Arms of protectors 

Coming into this world, 
Pure cries and warm hearted. 
The first cry of living, 
Sliding into the arms of her protectors. 

 Innocent without blemish, 
Growing up with joy, 
People introduced, 
Sliding into the arms of her protectors. 

 People of different size and smiles. 
One smile in particular, 
She cautioned and trembled, 
Sliding into the arms of her protectors. 

 Interactions of different love and games. 
One memory in particular, 
She is wrecked and traumatised, 
Sliding out of the arms of her protectors. 

 Scarring with blemishes, 
Growing delusional they spit, 
People leave, 
Sliding out of the arms of her protectors. 

 Leaving this broken world, 
Stained cries and cold hearted. 
The last cry of justice, 
Sliding out of the arms of her protectors. 


This semester in uni we are heavily focusing on mental health because as a nurse, this is definitely something that you’d come into contact with even if you’re not in the mental health department or ward. We all know of someone that has a mental health issue and it’s all around. Personally, this has been something I had to come into contact with just a couple of years ago that has left a heavy weight in me. Emotionally and mentally.

All this talk about mental health so far has left me heavy hearted and leaving classes rather weighted only because I always think about this dear friend that I witnessed battle this issue. I’ve seen her at her worst and seen her in better days. Seen her in the ward and other people seeking help in there too. All clinging onto hope to one day get better. The chilling screams and the painful cries you hear ring through her door when I visited her in the hospital. Nightmares of the dearest just doing the unspeakable in my very room and not being able to sleep for the whole week because I had constant nightmares of her walking into my room, greeting me and proceeding to hang that tie up on my ceiling at the foot of my bed.

 However most of all, my heart goes out to victims who didn’t know any better when they were little. There was a story that my teacher told me that really unsettled me and I felt like at that point in time I could really be in her shoes and feel that fear, break down and Explosion of fear and helplessness. I felt like I really needed an outlet and wrote this poem during then. If you put a line in the middle of the poem, it’s a reflection comparison from the top to the bottom. The top is when she was slowly gaining independence and she has a sense of control whereas in the second half, there's this sense of helplessness and lost of control in her world until the very last line where she had no one now and she felt all alone and no one would take her seriously or listen... 

Silent child

Silent child.
When a voice becomes mute,
when eyes that reflects the sky droops.
When smiles and life fade,
when wants are transferred.
When tears speak for the mind,
when life is tuned backwards.
When heavy wants are heard as cries,
when words are no longer of use.
When under the sheets was the safest place,
when imagination are just child's fantasies.
When one's wants is placed through you,
for you.
When you're left behind bars,
and volume is minimised to nothing.
When all you were once capable of is stripped away,
when you are there to listen you're told to listen.
When your nature was to speak for justice,
voice of innocence and love.
Care and concern being shunned,
when the birds start chirping,
you mock with that jester hat.
Laughter that was once known as joy,
turns to mockery and jeer.
Irony of happiness,
turns hearts of love to emptiness.
When all she's left is silence.
Control gone out of control.
One day she hopes and pray,
that the One greater than these,
the One who has been her refuge and shield,
will transform that clown of laughter.
To bring that inner cotton blankie out.
Silent child.

Jump start.

I was looking through the pictures and this was one of the pictures that struck me. So many things are happening in this photo but even though various things are happening, everyone is in unity in looking at the air strike plane, ready to battle it out.

Photo source: http://www.time.com/time/photogallery/0,29307,2060413_2254381,00.html for more photos.

When power is all one man's crave,
And people just wanting freedom's wave.
Oh lay down your child play fantasies,
And watch as fear will slowly cease.


A shot that takes a life,
robs the fighter's soul.
The shot that remains a lie,
Oh let children cries be told.


How running is a man's source,
this wasn't how it use to be.
Then why are people forced,
to pick their fateful course?


Many fight in this battle field,
pushing for their steadfast will.
But in unity people sing their lullabies,
revealing their fear of last goodbyes.


Prayer and hopes that fills the air,
shares shivering cries with bullet fairs.
Trembling freeze in shells of breath,
when missiles announce their misty death.


Seeking shelter and drips of murky water,
people flee this mirror of condemnation.
When is the end of this "forever"?
Who can comprehend this manifestation.

Pray for Libya.

So I wrote another poem...

It's been a while... But here it is. :)

'Innocence lost'

by Hakanphotography.

Lives contrast.

Another cold winter night,

We’re tucked in tight,

But there’s some shivering in fright,

Yet we’re oblivious to their plight.

Children like a rose,

Obeying to what their parents chose.

Selling their soul,

Their lives one stole.

Feeding other’s pleasures,

It’s their life’s curse.

Being who they don’t want to be,

This was their destiny.

Children dying of STDs.

Fade like a maple tree.

Innocence is stolen,

From a child who’s ABCs are yet to learn.

They drift in a world of hope,

Searching for a saving rope,

A chance to live again,

A life that’s without such pain.

“Lord” is what they cry each night,

Asking for a giant kite.

To gracefully take them away from reality,

And instead, to be with the Almighty.

To pay off debts,

To buy loaves of bread,

To feed the family,

This is all they could see.

In such desperation,

They just let their hope burn.

To put an end to their strife,

They take their own life.

They’ve been fighting,

We’ve been ignoring.

They’ve been reaching,

We’ve been enjoying.

Behind these invisible bars,

Are tears like jewels of a child of scars.

As they fight to overcome poverty’s murk,

Are worldly pleasures - they remain to lurk.

~written by Marilyn Ho

Cookie Monster.

When I saw you that day,
Why do you look this way?
I felt the pain in your eyes.
Its like for you my heart cries.

She makes me worried for you,
Watching afar is all I can do.
Will you ever be there for me again,
To break all my heavy chains?

The past is what I miss,
where we always joke and tease.
Skipping together in happiness and bliss,
if only that moment would just freeze.

Why must love complicate everything?
Since then our arms never did cling.
We've always been pranksters
Like my little cookie monster.

.
.
.

^^ another poetry I wrote out of randomness.

Questioning the heart.

Had fun at cellgroup as usual. HAHA :D
I've got dried mangoes cause I was the only one who did the "homework" Not bad huh? Marilyn So guai ;x hahaha. Oh so yummy. Shared with the rest haha. :D && Woah Stephanie that one, must great her with a 90 degree bow ok! She is like so darn smart. *claps claps* Oh and Anna IS the Best. Seriously haha! :D Again,

ANNA ROCKS, YES SHE DOES.

Haha She is lending me her Zen Creative filled with all the movies I am yet to watch inside until Monday. Ain't she awesome. :) Gosh, make up Saturday lesson next week... Oh bother.. ): But our MAJOR PLAN: Take shuttle bus from my compound to hers. Stay, go school, stay, go school, church, go home. But I think most likely we must postpone... Cause of the Saturday we have to go back haha. Oh boy...

__________________________________________________________________

I am still attached to the past,

cause happiness pass so fast.

Hurts seems to take resident in the heart and last,

Why can't I forgive love and let the past rust?

Cause I am a fool,

without a clue.

I believe everything's true.

That's cause I'm a fool.

Why can't I give a chance?

Cause there is still trust to enhance.

Why can't I let anyone replace this?

Because this heart ain't his.

I shall give it just one more shot,

How much forgivness have I got?

Love, carry me away.

But please, I don't want to be the prey.

How much sincerity?

How much loyalty?

I wonder if you cared,

cause you made me really sad.

love's not my game,

It's something I can ever tame.

But boy will you please be my burning flame?

Cause you are different from others, not the same.

It's a poem I made not too long ago. HAHA. :) Has it's reasons and purpose why it's born. But they are all treasured and kept in this little heart of mine. (: