Goodbye Summer

Ended summer with a boat party for Nicole and Mish's 21st. Probably one of the many amazing things to have happened to me this summer.

Looking back on this season, so much has changed. So many extremes of ups and downs. Loved and lost, losing myself entirely, my identity and not knowing who I am, feeling so torn between growing up and just living my age, people I meet and constantly associate with over this summer, exploring new places, seeing snow for the very first time and feeling very much alone with and without family.

I guess she's right, I'm better off alone. At least then, I'm not a 21 year old problem just leaching off at nights and being heavily misunderstood.

I've been roaming and wandering for a while now.
Gone out, have fun, felt "free", felt falsely invincible
but none of these can extinguish this anguish of reality.
My mind is in a land filled with alluring happiness that fades,
my heart has been shut away.

Been living in a land far far away, my eyes open but my soul not present.

I'm torn between "should" and "have". What am I doing? I wish an answer was ready because even I lack this vital information to maybe do something about all this. This mess I've found myself just floating in so willingly. I want to get out of this. I just don't know how. We are all going to get burned...

PRAY

Sitting here mid way of exams, I hear news about the world.
I see people change their profile pictures in hope to bring awareness.
We see this broken world come together over another unseen universe to show it's unity.
Pain.

When fire is ignited, it goes ablaze burning everything leaving a journey.
Tearing through towns, through hearts.
Hearts that cross this journey.
Revenge.

We get consumed, we react.
We get angry, we retaliate.
In bitterness we are blinded, our vision marred.
Avenge.

This planet is groaning in pain,
People turn to a God they dismiss when their hands are occupied.
Do we pray earnestly or toy with the word "prayer"?
Yearn.

A story of a girl in a broken world.

Arms of protectors 

Coming into this world, 
Pure cries and warm hearted. 
The first cry of living, 
Sliding into the arms of her protectors. 

 Innocent without blemish, 
Growing up with joy, 
People introduced, 
Sliding into the arms of her protectors. 

 People of different size and smiles. 
One smile in particular, 
She cautioned and trembled, 
Sliding into the arms of her protectors. 

 Interactions of different love and games. 
One memory in particular, 
She is wrecked and traumatised, 
Sliding out of the arms of her protectors. 

 Scarring with blemishes, 
Growing delusional they spit, 
People leave, 
Sliding out of the arms of her protectors. 

 Leaving this broken world, 
Stained cries and cold hearted. 
The last cry of justice, 
Sliding out of the arms of her protectors. 


This semester in uni we are heavily focusing on mental health because as a nurse, this is definitely something that you’d come into contact with even if you’re not in the mental health department or ward. We all know of someone that has a mental health issue and it’s all around. Personally, this has been something I had to come into contact with just a couple of years ago that has left a heavy weight in me. Emotionally and mentally.

All this talk about mental health so far has left me heavy hearted and leaving classes rather weighted only because I always think about this dear friend that I witnessed battle this issue. I’ve seen her at her worst and seen her in better days. Seen her in the ward and other people seeking help in there too. All clinging onto hope to one day get better. The chilling screams and the painful cries you hear ring through her door when I visited her in the hospital. Nightmares of the dearest just doing the unspeakable in my very room and not being able to sleep for the whole week because I had constant nightmares of her walking into my room, greeting me and proceeding to hang that tie up on my ceiling at the foot of my bed.

 However most of all, my heart goes out to victims who didn’t know any better when they were little. There was a story that my teacher told me that really unsettled me and I felt like at that point in time I could really be in her shoes and feel that fear, break down and Explosion of fear and helplessness. I felt like I really needed an outlet and wrote this poem during then. If you put a line in the middle of the poem, it’s a reflection comparison from the top to the bottom. The top is when she was slowly gaining independence and she has a sense of control whereas in the second half, there's this sense of helplessness and lost of control in her world until the very last line where she had no one now and she felt all alone and no one would take her seriously or listen... 

The aftermath

If there is one thing I would like to change about myself... That would be how insecure I am. About who I am and about my relationship. Don't get me wrong, he has never cheated on me neither has he thought about another for more than he should. It's just me. It's just me, my killer thoughts and I will be upfront and honest that almost once every two months I get into this whirlpool of self-doubt, self-hate and massive struggle to not "punish" myself. To feel pain to know I am alive and that I "have paid my dues"... I won't ever kill myself, so calm down. I am not that stupid. I have more purpose to live than to deliberately take my life.

However, I think I have kept this in long enough and I want to write it all out, say it out loud and hear how silly I am. It really challenges my relationship, no doubt and it really pushes Shane but I thank God from the bottom of my heart that He has lovingly made this boy with a heart of perseverance and the spirit to fight for what he believes in. 2 years 3 months (I'm not just counting because I'm one of those crazy people who care) Instead, I am grateful for each and every day with him and Him helping both of us.

I acknowledge it is the aftermath of the mess I have been in before back in the raging teen years where emotions and heart aches were the pinnacle of life commitments that we use to think we would all keep until we die. I've loved and lost multiple times to the same person but through this I learn that God is faithful to not just me but to cookie monster too. I'm still learning to love. Every year in this relationship there is a highlight.

1st year: Learning how to let go of fears.
2nd year: Learning how to love and be loved fully (Barriers down!).
This year, it's to trust, love unconditionally and what it means to work on each others flaws together.

Oh Lord, teach me to love like You do. Teach me to forgive myself and to protect my heart and mind from the devil and his evil schemes. May I not be my own judge and standards, instead know that it is Your standards and to be grateful and acknowledge that Jesus Christ have bridge this gap for me.

Here's to you Darling, thank you so much even though I throw tantrums and take you for granted way too many times. I thank God for you every day. I love you.

Ps. BRACES COME OFF ON THE FOLLOWING MONDAY!!! WOAHHHHHH!!!!