resistance

I'll tell you the truth.
I need help.
I'm done running.
I know I need to stop.

When I think I look big, when I have eaten more than 1.5 meals a day, when I feel the smallest bump that shows my tummy is happy and content, when someone tells me to control myself, when I look at the increase of muscles on my legs and deny them of their glory and when I've seen a not so flattering picture of myself...

I'm still recovering. Its been 3 years now and still recovering. Is time really the issue? Or is it just my horrifying mentality that not only eats my sensibility but also my mental appetite?

But I can tell you is, the key is not to stuff food down my throat but to allow me to get there with strength I draw from the Almighty.

Maturity of presentations.

One night at the dinner table...
Mum:"Marilynnnn, are you a babyy? c:"
(In serious conversation with dad): NO.
Sissy: "OH YEAH! You're 17 already!"
*Everyone breaks into realisation*
Mum: "Its as if you're like... Forever 9..."

It then hit me that I'm not young anymore. I'm suppose to be mature, being proper, not dressing like a kid anymore and look my best like any 17 year old.
I'm the opposite of that. I still put on my pjs and head out at night, I still make horrifying faces in pictures and I still run and skip in malls...
I think I shall start maturing on my manner and appearance. :|

Year 11 Dinner Dance is coming up soon. 2 weeks time.

Love

silly as this picture may be, this is probably not the first time this topic has hit my blog.

The world has cheapen love so much, it starts to be painful. Even though I'm said to be "young" and "still many chances ahead" I still feel sad how love has become this... Cheap, fake, not as lasting and people escape their relationship even before they give themselves a chance to look their boy/girlfriend in the eye. What are we doing? Why are we doing this? Why has love been minimised to such a size that could hardly be seen to be understood? Love...

Chapter 18: Cookie monster (Part 4: turtles, shadow in the heart) + bitch's tale 2.5+0.5

continuation of Cookie monster (Part 3: For a friend and pain).


At the start of 2009, I went back to Singapore once again. JLee still had a little something for NZH and it was killing me inside. I was still with Bi as well when I returned. I was struggling, I really still liked ZH so much that it butterflies whenever I hear his voice in a faint distance and skips of heart beats when I see him. The first time I saw him when I went back, like a little fool I ran in fear. I could not face him... I told Bi about it and asked for a break. I needed time to think.


I told ZH I still liked him. Just a couple of days ago, I was reading my hotmail history and it went back to that day where I was talking to him. Reading it now, it still placed this fear in me I don't understand. I went out for lunch with him and few other friends. I saw turtles drawn on his arm. I saw JLee's name as well. Something in me died. I reminded myself, it was my choice, my actions that has brought myself here. I am suppose to give up, why am I still clinging on so tight then?


He asked me about Bi, I confessed I could not do this anymore. He told me not to be silly, I told him he's like this shadow. In there, looming and hiding but always there though not always seen. It was driving me nuts...


I got back with Bi after I left Singapore. Why? This is where bitch 0.5 comes in... ZH said black specs people were like a curse. I knew for sure, I was one. He liked this girl then. I didn't want to know who, I know I would lose my sanity. I got back to Bi just so I could try move on and fully allow myself to love Bi. You know, without holding back anything for this shadow. It didn't work... I hurt Bi A LOT. I know I did. I did a lot of stupid dumb things during this long distance. He forgave me over and over. I didn't deserve it, frankly.


I broke up with Bi in Nov 2009. 11 months into our relationship, we decided its for the better. My close friend in PGC constantly asked if I was okay, I could always smile as usual and say "Of course! Why  wouldn't I be? :D" She'd exclaim in horror,"WHY!? BECAUSE YOU JUST WENT THROUGH A BREAK UP THAT'S YOUR LONGEST RELATIONSHIP!" Found it silly to be upset. But it did hit me eventually when a week after the break up, we still texted and I asked, "Have you moved on? :P" 


"yes!!! What about you?" was the reply. I don't know if it hurt because I wasn't missed (like any girl would want to be) or was it because I've finally realised I've lost him for good now with all his exclamation marks...


I didn't reply, I cried a little and replied, "I don't know."

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While all these was happening, I later (at the start of this year) the full story of ZH and that girl he liked at that point in early 2009.


That girl... I've had anger in me against myself and anger in her that also directed back at myself since I've learnt of who she was and what she did. I followed her on twitter just to know what mess she's up to. I didn't like her. I detested her. I didn't like her so much, that I would check her up on facebook and feel anger in me and daggers in my heart whenever I see her name or even photos. I'd question over and over,"WHY HER..."


I got my answer at the start of this year from ZH himself. It burned. Not only did it burned but flames engulfed my living senses and heart. I lost it.


I finally decided to let go just 2 days ago. I deleted her from facebook. I stopped following her on twitter and I've decided to cut her from my life. I didn't want to hold her captive in my heart of anger because she's like a tunnel where I channel my anger and questions of what should or should not have been towards myself.


I'll tell you more about her and who she is later. For now, at least I've finally decided to let go of this boulder of pain.

Silent child

Silent child.
When a voice becomes mute,
when eyes that reflects the sky droops.
When smiles and life fade,
when wants are transferred.
When tears speak for the mind,
when life is tuned backwards.
When heavy wants are heard as cries,
when words are no longer of use.
When under the sheets was the safest place,
when imagination are just child's fantasies.
When one's wants is placed through you,
for you.
When you're left behind bars,
and volume is minimised to nothing.
When all you were once capable of is stripped away,
when you are there to listen you're told to listen.
When your nature was to speak for justice,
voice of innocence and love.
Care and concern being shunned,
when the birds start chirping,
you mock with that jester hat.
Laughter that was once known as joy,
turns to mockery and jeer.
Irony of happiness,
turns hearts of love to emptiness.
When all she's left is silence.
Control gone out of control.
One day she hopes and pray,
that the One greater than these,
the One who has been her refuge and shield,
will transform that clown of laughter.
To bring that inner cotton blankie out.
Silent child.