SLY.

I like this picture but I don't like how I spoilt it.

CHEEKY BUSTARD. 

Chapter 16: A bitch's tale 2.5 (Ashim)

This is where Bitch ½ comes in… I was with “Bi” 2 months after Padrick in Shanghai. This was in December 2008. I got in this relationship meaning to try to move on from ZH and all the drama from before. Forcing myself to move on. I didn’t really have any feelings for Bi at first, to be honest. (BITTTTTCHHHHHH!~) He was like the cutest boy in school that had many amazing qualities. He was all loving and I honestly did like him after... But not enough for me to forget ZH… (I told him about ZH to be honest, from the day we played a game which brought us together eventually, till today.)

We soon learnt that Bi was to leave for Sydney in January 2009. We treasured every moment we got there after. A couple of weeks later, we also learnt that I was moving to Australia too! Sydney as well! Amazing! Time flew by, time spent with him was memorable, great and fun.  It was time for Bi to leave, it was hard peeling myself off him. I really did like him. 2 weeks time then and I would be on my way to Sydney too! A few days later, parents broke the sad news to me. They have changed our application to Perth instead. PERTH!? The black hole where all the cactuses live!? I threw a huge tantrum. 

I told Bi. I was bawling my eyes out but he assured me that we could go through with long distance relationship. He’d come to Perth to visit when he is able to since we’re already in the same country. Seems promising.

Cut the long story short, we were together for 2 months physically and LDR in total of 9 months, which means we were together for 11 months in total. We ended in November 2009. We broke up twice, once because I really still liked ZH and I requested for some time to think it through. We got back after I learnt ZH had a girlfriend. I thought maybe its time for me to move on too… The second time it was my fault once again. I was so confused. The time difference was driving me nuts and him not sharing the same faith, are we just running on high false hopes? But we got back again. The last time though was when we sat down and seriously talked it out. We realised we didn’t know where we are headed and I would not see him anytime soon. It was getting pointless. After all, “If you love someone, let them go. If they return, its meant to be and if they don’t, its not it.”

(If you have read my blog 2 years ago, you might remember this picture.) World, this is "Bi" 

PS. He's not anymore. HAHA

Then, I still have not moved on from ZH. I really liked Bi but if you asked me to pick, I’d freak, start running and never stop.


To be continued.

Loving.

via tumblr. So cute. That's how I'm positioned at the moment blogging and feeling this way hahaha.

Thinking about it, I realised I "forgot" what its like to like someone. I'm always reading quotes that people post on tumblr about love and about this person they really like but it makes me wonder if I have that emotion somewhat like how they describe it to be... To be honest, I don't.

It's funny, so uncanny how I can say honestly I did like someone for a really long time but to say I love him... I don't know... How do you tell when it "graduates" to love? It's a whole new level that is so... alien. I did say he was my "first love" but... It was mostly agonising pain instead of how people say, joy, new life etc. Well, butterflies, yes for the first 4 months then pain for the next 3 years that still lingers...

I had a conversation with one of my bros recently about marriage. I'm honestly scared about the thought and the commitment. It's such a huge commitment that is only possible with God... Watching older couples, I have to agree that the closer they draw towards God together, serving in church together, they still look at each other, in the eye with such burning love that they had since it ignited even when it was 50+ years ago. <-- I really hope my own marriage (If I ever get married HAHAHA) would be like that too... The more I watch, the more the realisation it is to know the relationship with God is so simple. It just requires me to love Him back yet... I do fail at times... But one thing I know, the love for God has compelled me before. (To be honest, its extra obvious when I'm spiritually high) It felt amazing, awesome and each day feels like joy that wakes up in excitement in knowing God is in my life.

Now, I'm still longing to get that back. At the same time... To forget the feeling of loving someone is good and bad I guess. Refreshing when it probably happens again yet, when people tease me with someone, it starts pushing me into questions if what they say is true since I can't exactly tell anymore. (If you know what I mean) But thankfully, most times I prepare my mental state to know if I do have interest in someone or not.

Never ending movement.

A photo taken on Jeans for genes day. To be honest, I don't know EVERYONE here.

The teacher just started pilling us all in and she started yelling so... BUT I'm glad to say, most of these peeps are MAH PEEPS! :D

The girls are all my girlfriends. The boys are mostly just mates except a few bros here and there!

I've always looked at this picture and start letting thoughts wonder. Like, "Will we all still be hanging out with each other next year? Or even 2 years from now? Or even 10 years from now?" "Who will I lose contact with and who would I keep?" "Who will I bump into and spend hours catching up?" "Who would still be my bro in 10 years from now?" "Will I get to know the guys better by next year?" "Will they all be my bros too?" "Will I start talking to some of these I have not even said a single word to?" and the list goes on.

I have recently seen my school reports and looking back, I've realised how much I've changed just by mere comments on teachers and great leap in grades. How I didn't care about my results before to me happily completing an assignment that is due one month from then... I've changed because my vision changed. Life became more meaningful. It's not just about: "Have fun, life is short." But now its: "Life is short; who am I, to not do anything?"

My vision changed because my sight has changed. I don't just see me and people anymore. I see God and His people. My sight has changed because this world has changed. It's not perfect anymore, it became scary. It's not dreams but nightmares now. & That realisation hit me when my sight became clear and not just looking through glasses anymore.

Just low resolution.

Like sound waves, a little girl floats unnoticed. Everyone hears her, yet not everyone takes into account her lullabies. Its like a dream so crystal clear, yet bits are not clearly written in details. She sings, in hopes someone would realise, in hopes that those that has listened out for her soft voice before, would conscientiously listen again. She waits upon the day that should could be the background music of someone's life, where she could be in dreams that are not just in wandering minds when the city is placed on mute but also like reality when the birds awake the glittering glass of this house. 

Just inspirations all up in my mind.

I really feel like acting again.

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When I visit her page, I honestly can't help but sigh. I know, I know... It was all a plan, it was lies that sparked and birds that flew in from the winter's morning wanted some heating that they soar so low, that they die among the ashes and no one, but the fire, grass that burns and the people that so happen to turn their heads to the silent flame, realises this tragic scene.