The aftermath

If there is one thing I would like to change about myself... That would be how insecure I am. About who I am and about my relationship. Don't get me wrong, he has never cheated on me neither has he thought about another for more than he should. It's just me. It's just me, my killer thoughts and I will be upfront and honest that almost once every two months I get into this whirlpool of self-doubt, self-hate and massive struggle to not "punish" myself. To feel pain to know I am alive and that I "have paid my dues"... I won't ever kill myself, so calm down. I am not that stupid. I have more purpose to live than to deliberately take my life.

However, I think I have kept this in long enough and I want to write it all out, say it out loud and hear how silly I am. It really challenges my relationship, no doubt and it really pushes Shane but I thank God from the bottom of my heart that He has lovingly made this boy with a heart of perseverance and the spirit to fight for what he believes in. 2 years 3 months (I'm not just counting because I'm one of those crazy people who care) Instead, I am grateful for each and every day with him and Him helping both of us.

I acknowledge it is the aftermath of the mess I have been in before back in the raging teen years where emotions and heart aches were the pinnacle of life commitments that we use to think we would all keep until we die. I've loved and lost multiple times to the same person but through this I learn that God is faithful to not just me but to cookie monster too. I'm still learning to love. Every year in this relationship there is a highlight.

1st year: Learning how to let go of fears.
2nd year: Learning how to love and be loved fully (Barriers down!).
This year, it's to trust, love unconditionally and what it means to work on each others flaws together.

Oh Lord, teach me to love like You do. Teach me to forgive myself and to protect my heart and mind from the devil and his evil schemes. May I not be my own judge and standards, instead know that it is Your standards and to be grateful and acknowledge that Jesus Christ have bridge this gap for me.

Here's to you Darling, thank you so much even though I throw tantrums and take you for granted way too many times. I thank God for you every day. I love you.

Ps. BRACES COME OFF ON THE FOLLOWING MONDAY!!! WOAHHHHHH!!!!

Nursing and what it means.

Having been on my second hospital pracs, I've never had to come to fully learn of the hearts of nurses until this ward. I am placed in a surgical ward this time round and what this means is that patients we get are pre and post operation. Many a times, we get the good stories where people come out of theatre well and recovering and they then return home and a few would come back bearing gifts of gratitude. Some, wait for news on their progress but truth to be told, even I know the heart breaking results before they do and to see how their behaviour react to such news is hard. Cancer. Terminal. Fatal. "Sorry". It's even harder to watch them in front of loved ones. Things that have suddenly turned their lives inside out. Good people, not so good people, well-to-do, homeless, lonely, anyone.

It's hard being the first few to know but everyone has to keep mum until the doctors do the painful visit through those curtains. It has really shaken me on how I nurse, how I care and how I am guilty to also take life for granted. Doesn't that hard to please patient who is in because of drugs overdose deserve the best nursing care just as much as that nice old lady who had a fall? Doesn't that demented patient deserve as much love and care as much as that child that obeys everything you tell them? I have come to realise that the people I am mostly in contact with are around my parents age and it has hit me hard that one day, when they do become frail, forgetful or even as demanding (who knows) as these "difficult" patients, they fall in the hands of nurses who judge them on how well they listen.

Don't get me wrong, not all nurses are like so but having my eyes open to this has really questioned my intentions and love. Not just to those who are easy to love but to all. My wish is that I will never lose this. I will never lose this sensitivity in me and that I will never compromise my nursing just because one patient demands my time "unnecessarily". I hope I will one day find that balance in knowing to love unconditionally yet for their good if I hold back so they can too push themselves and therefore not give up on something simple like feeding themselves. May my love not be toxic either.

Always learning.

Yes yes, I have allowed this blog go all stale and stagnant and my usual response is that I am always busy well, surprise surprise here, I have come to this cross road in my life and feel like I have not achieved much... Maybe it's because to the recurring failures as of late or I get involved in everything but fail to complete anything and now I am in this violent roller coaster ride of emotions. I honestly don't know but all I know is that I am still learning about myself and how to trust God despite of my ever-changing life.

Here is a post about my first attempt in enlisting in the Australian Defence Force (ADF)... It was definitely eye-opening where I learnt a bit more about the whole process and functioning groups within the force itself. Personally, I am striving to join the Royal Australian Army Medic Corps as a nurse in the future but I thought maybe I should start trying now. "Why?" you ask? They asked me that question too hahaha but here is my response:

"Growing up in Singapore where serving in the defence force was compulsory for all male citizens, I really saw the impact it had on friends and cousins that had to go through it. They did get unknowingly changed into someone who takes pride in their country, their people and themselves. Since I was little, I have always been inspired even just hearing stories from my very own father who went through the process without complaints. We all do take it for granted for what our country has done for us. I have always wanted to change the world which then explains why I chose to do nursing in uni. I believe that joining the force would bring me a step further into that alongside my nursing career. I want to give back not just to this country, but also to this world. I don't expect to be a hero. I don't expect to be THE ONE to change this world but I would very much like to make a difference no matter the size."

Long story short, I fell short of just one slot to the role I needed to get for the medic corps. I will try again. I will be back. As for now, I am still unsettled in a sense where I have mixed feelings about not making it now even though I understand why it actually is best that I should wait for a bit more.

"Let us pray not so much that God be on our side as we be on God's side" -King George VI

Keep trusting, keep praying Marilyn. The Lord is always faithful.

May I?

May I just put my headphones on,
lock my doors,
close my eyes,
allow time to pass me by.

May I just go back in technology,
lose my phone,
cut this much of a communication,
just enjoy silence.

May I just pick any name on Facebook,
just pop my stressed out heart,
pour out my deepest darkest secrets,
know that they will all be kept safe.

May I just cry,
stop living for just a bit,
wash all my stress away,
not meet all my appointments.

May I just stand on a stage,
explain everything that I'm doing once,
walk off,
and never be questioned ever again.

May I just curl up,
get lost in dreams,
forget reality,
stop living for a minute and sleep.

May I just drop everything,
not be questioned,
cry all my stress away,
allow my body to recuperate. 

May I... Or am I just selfish...

Revamp-Marilyn

I always come back saying the same thing, "I know I've not blogged in a while.... blah blah blah" and "I'll try to post more often... blah blah blah" Well, clearly that didn't happen but hey, today is a new day and I felt like I shall come to terms with reasons why I've stopped the past few months and almost years.

One of the few reasons why I've stopped was because I knew a few more people have found my blog and I kinda lost the sense of security to rant like your past teenage girl I use to be. Obviously lots have happened and out of these "lots" there are many things I am not proud of. That's why I've stopped, but I did genuinely hope to return one day again. Maybe today is that day.

Last night I went to bed feeling like I've come to a point in my life where I'm reflecting on who I am today and I honestly felt like I don't like who I see. I didn't wake up feeling any better but thoughts of, "All I asked for was just..." This my friends, is one of the most ungrateful sonofabish statement you can ever tell yourself. Thank God for all that has happened and most of all for Him taking you through all that mess you've deliberately picked to go through. It's not easy being you, yes. But it's even harder to be guiding someone as stubborn as us people we call the "human race" but he does it nonetheless because of love.

I've decided, I'm going to do something about this. Prayed about it and asked for help because I can't change these negativity in me, alone... I've decided to revamp my life. I call it, "Revamp-Marilyn". Going to take practical steps to improve my life, going to be that light that shines and spurs those around me to shine bright too.

Things I would like/have started doing:

• Eat healthier: 5 serves of veg and 2 serves of fruit daily.
• Sleep earlier, wake up earlier. I'm a morning studier anyways.
• LOVE my face, give it the attention it needs.
• Daily moisturise my feet and legs at least.
• Drink at least 8 glasses of water, daily and INTENTIONALLY!
• Pray more often daily and INTENTIONALLY as well.
• Daily devotion. :)

My body is the temple of God, it is for my own good and realign my life to Him. Today is a new beginning.