Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Like the grass, we forget they wither too.

This picture has its significance...
I am not too sure if I've posted this picture before but this picture means a lot to me. People might look at it and say, "What a terrible picture, the finger is covering part of the lens, there is no objective, there is no story." Well, there is a reason why I took and kept this picture. There is an objective and there is a story.

Here's the story...

Before skies turned bright, 
before the sun shone with might,
I watched him walk that night.

Sometimes I forget he left,
and memories are all I have,
Hearing that legacy I turn deaf.

Ignorance is bliss,
is what people choose to believe,
Naivety is all a tease. 

The one who taught me chess,
the one that held my hand,
I know I'm so blessed.

The one that tolerated,
the one that simply catered,
I took it all for granted.

In pain you call out to me,
yet my name you say with such glee,
wretched child ignores your plea.

Passing your picture everyday,
i refuse to believe its this way,
but i watched you as I may.

That squeeze,
That touch,
that tear.

Now its time to face,
on my lips this bitter taste.
You've indeed finished your race.

I miss you so much,
your gentle touch.
All this in this awakening nudge.

I know I'll see you one day,
when I've finished and come to lay,
and walking up to me I hear you say,
"Well done xiao gou, I've been waiting for you at bay."
................

Hillsong's "You hold me now" was the song I played that night I watched you go. It gave me assurance and peace that you're now safe, in His arms, fulfilled your purpose and even if I selfishly missed you so dearly, God holds both of us now. Even though I cry each time I hear this song because it brings me back to that night I struggled to let you go, I trust in Him to grant me strength. Assurance to know that one day, I'll see you again and come face to face with Him. I miss you Ah Tah. May you be dancing and singing in great joy and wait for me to join you on that very day He calls me home. I love you, wait for me.

Love, Xiao gou. (Little puppy)

Monday, May 07, 2012

that risk taker dummy.

"All these accidents... You could have just died there and then. I thank God for each miracle that you're alive." words of my loving mother.
I do do stupid things and always getting myself into trouble. From intentional experiments to unintentional absent mindedness. Putting the people around me in a lot of stress, trouble and worries. :| But I can try to be careful but yet I can't help it. So... I thank God for all these people who care so much for me. I really am grateful for you. Because man, I don't even know how I can live with myself!

Friday, April 20, 2012

maybe next time.

I'm blessed. We all are.
I always get what I want but I'm grateful.
Grateful, yet not acknowledging limits.

I know I am growing,
and through this trials I am pushed too.
I guess that's just about right,
I can't shine for God if I don't get my life right.

I can't align a life full of baggage,
I have to let go.
He gives and takes away,
but most of all,
through it all He is there.

The question then becomes, "So what?"
So what if He takes away?
Because everything is for His glory.
"My Utmost for HIS Highest".

Its hard,
but it's time I focused.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

fallen in this pothole.

Looking through pictures, I found this.
What do I want, what do I need, what should I do? All these questions, easily answered with one word, "Pray".
From last week, I've learnt that I should finally confront what I've been avoiding, pushing aside and trying so hard to move on from. "Conclusion", confronting, scary and honestly unwillingly but I know I need it. I've written the letter, now I'm just too fearful for what comes after. It's sitting in my computer folder taking up bytes. Its obvious I need it, look at me, I'm holding back because I return considering you. I guess at the same time of "Could have been" I'm excited yet at the same time I'm selfish, not making up my mind. No, not seeking God. Honestly, I'm scared. For both. Risks, choices and wants.

So eager yet foolish.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Inner thoughts.

Cardboarding last sunday with the girls. :)
Its almost April.. 7 more months till I am done with high school. Time seems to be flying, my mind seems to be dreaming yet my body still living.

That means 6 more months to the big exams. What happened to time? It's ticking alright, its going. What am I doing? I have only recently finally been able to catch up with school work, holidays soon and 3 weeks after holidays, its mid year exams. Reflection time...


  • I started the year well. However, 2 weeks into school, the boat rocked. Things started happening and people leaving. It was the series of events that came one after another that sent me spiralling down.
  • I only got back into studying last week. (Which is pretty much me wasting 6 weeks of my year 12 just.. ROLLING IN THE DEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPP) *sigh* But really, better late than never and thank God. All praise and glory to Him who helped pulled me out.
  • The whole of last week I slept around 4.30am for 3/5 nights, 3.30 for 1/5 nights and 1.30 for the remaining 1/5. Time spent was fruitful though. It was because of the staying up that made me get back into studying. That big push to get the ball rolling again.
  • Tests done during the 6 weeks that I was zombified were terrible. As a result, my results were... SHIT. Literally. But hey, we all fail at times but its because of failures we learn. 
  • Papa and I got even closer during this time when it was just 2 of us. The things he does as a loving father is just honestly.. Touching.
  • Tests done after I got out.. Really, that helplessness pushed me into relying totally on God. I admit, before that I was probably going at it solo.
  • Math even though its only 2 tests, my first test pushed me into an overall of 68% and when I did my investigation, it pushed me up to a 73.4% overall. THANK GOD. It may be my worst math results ever but you know, I have always done crap in my investigations. It was what pushed me down last year and this was simply, MIRACLE. I may be taking back my place as 1st overall in 2CD math, it may be my name but really I couldn't and can't do it without the One who gives me strength.
  • Chemistry, I failed my very first and so far, only test which makes me a 47% overall at current. The very first test I have failed in Lynwood. My very first letter sent home of "Unsatisfactory work". Yes, I did push myself into terrible disappointment which led to a stress break down but like I mentioned before, God brought me out and now we are doing my favourite topic and I am picking up. I have finally caught up in Chemistry and got full marks for my homework test. Now, I've got another test coming but I FEEL READY! BRING IT ON, YOU LITTLE CHEMISTRY MONSTER!
  • English, I am doing surprisingly well. I am still amazed. Daddy God's not given up on me.
  • I am at current 6 ATAR score away from what I need based on marks I am getting on current. Based on last year marks, I was 2 marks away from my requirement... By the end of this semester, I aim to reach my Atar requirement so I can push myself even harder in 2nd Semester! 
I have a dream. A dream that seems unrealistic to my child-like mind. Its achievable, it sounds incredible but am I deserving of such? I need to gear up, buckle up, suit up, prepare and GO! The only thing however is... I am uncertain of God's certainty in this dream of mine. I have the passion but if its not what is best for me, its not something I will do. I admit, I am excited yet scared. Just a year ago, I was so certain that I will never ever be who I dream to be today. I detest the life that this career drove many, I thought it was stupidity and just impossible for me. What changed? When God showed me a glimpse of what I could do with Him providing for me. A pathway I labelled "Crazy", He showed me what I never considered. He softened my stubborn mind and bam! Pray, pray, pray.

  1. 1 week to holidays.
  2. 3 weeks to registration of UMAT
  3. 8 weeks to Exams.
  4. 9 Weeks to 18.
  5. 3 months to holidays.
  6. 3 Months to UMAT test.
  7. 5 Months to End of year exams
  8. 5 Months + to release of UMAT results
  9. 6 months to farewell of year 12
  10. 6 Months and 2 weeks to WACE exams
  11. 7 Months to a whole month of intensity.
  12. EXACTLY 8 Months to fully graduate (Presentation night)
  13. 8 Months to AGM and Convy
  14. 8 Months 1 week to preparation for interviews.
  15. 8 months 1 week to first round of interviews.
  16. 8 Months and the next phase of my future is determined.
THIS IS IT. I bid farewell to my social life a long time ago but here, I realise how much more I have to do. Walk, Listen, Grow, Run.