PRAY

Sitting here mid way of exams, I hear news about the world.
I see people change their profile pictures in hope to bring awareness.
We see this broken world come together over another unseen universe to show it's unity.
Pain.

When fire is ignited, it goes ablaze burning everything leaving a journey.
Tearing through towns, through hearts.
Hearts that cross this journey.
Revenge.

We get consumed, we react.
We get angry, we retaliate.
In bitterness we are blinded, our vision marred.
Avenge.

This planet is groaning in pain,
People turn to a God they dismiss when their hands are occupied.
Do we pray earnestly or toy with the word "prayer"?
Yearn.

A story of a girl in a broken world.

Arms of protectors 

Coming into this world, 
Pure cries and warm hearted. 
The first cry of living, 
Sliding into the arms of her protectors. 

 Innocent without blemish, 
Growing up with joy, 
People introduced, 
Sliding into the arms of her protectors. 

 People of different size and smiles. 
One smile in particular, 
She cautioned and trembled, 
Sliding into the arms of her protectors. 

 Interactions of different love and games. 
One memory in particular, 
She is wrecked and traumatised, 
Sliding out of the arms of her protectors. 

 Scarring with blemishes, 
Growing delusional they spit, 
People leave, 
Sliding out of the arms of her protectors. 

 Leaving this broken world, 
Stained cries and cold hearted. 
The last cry of justice, 
Sliding out of the arms of her protectors. 


This semester in uni we are heavily focusing on mental health because as a nurse, this is definitely something that you’d come into contact with even if you’re not in the mental health department or ward. We all know of someone that has a mental health issue and it’s all around. Personally, this has been something I had to come into contact with just a couple of years ago that has left a heavy weight in me. Emotionally and mentally.

All this talk about mental health so far has left me heavy hearted and leaving classes rather weighted only because I always think about this dear friend that I witnessed battle this issue. I’ve seen her at her worst and seen her in better days. Seen her in the ward and other people seeking help in there too. All clinging onto hope to one day get better. The chilling screams and the painful cries you hear ring through her door when I visited her in the hospital. Nightmares of the dearest just doing the unspeakable in my very room and not being able to sleep for the whole week because I had constant nightmares of her walking into my room, greeting me and proceeding to hang that tie up on my ceiling at the foot of my bed.

 However most of all, my heart goes out to victims who didn’t know any better when they were little. There was a story that my teacher told me that really unsettled me and I felt like at that point in time I could really be in her shoes and feel that fear, break down and Explosion of fear and helplessness. I felt like I really needed an outlet and wrote this poem during then. If you put a line in the middle of the poem, it’s a reflection comparison from the top to the bottom. The top is when she was slowly gaining independence and she has a sense of control whereas in the second half, there's this sense of helplessness and lost of control in her world until the very last line where she had no one now and she felt all alone and no one would take her seriously or listen... 

The aftermath

If there is one thing I would like to change about myself... That would be how insecure I am. About who I am and about my relationship. Don't get me wrong, he has never cheated on me neither has he thought about another for more than he should. It's just me. It's just me, my killer thoughts and I will be upfront and honest that almost once every two months I get into this whirlpool of self-doubt, self-hate and massive struggle to not "punish" myself. To feel pain to know I am alive and that I "have paid my dues"... I won't ever kill myself, so calm down. I am not that stupid. I have more purpose to live than to deliberately take my life.

However, I think I have kept this in long enough and I want to write it all out, say it out loud and hear how silly I am. It really challenges my relationship, no doubt and it really pushes Shane but I thank God from the bottom of my heart that He has lovingly made this boy with a heart of perseverance and the spirit to fight for what he believes in. 2 years 3 months (I'm not just counting because I'm one of those crazy people who care) Instead, I am grateful for each and every day with him and Him helping both of us.

I acknowledge it is the aftermath of the mess I have been in before back in the raging teen years where emotions and heart aches were the pinnacle of life commitments that we use to think we would all keep until we die. I've loved and lost multiple times to the same person but through this I learn that God is faithful to not just me but to cookie monster too. I'm still learning to love. Every year in this relationship there is a highlight.

1st year: Learning how to let go of fears.
2nd year: Learning how to love and be loved fully (Barriers down!).
This year, it's to trust, love unconditionally and what it means to work on each others flaws together.

Oh Lord, teach me to love like You do. Teach me to forgive myself and to protect my heart and mind from the devil and his evil schemes. May I not be my own judge and standards, instead know that it is Your standards and to be grateful and acknowledge that Jesus Christ have bridge this gap for me.

Here's to you Darling, thank you so much even though I throw tantrums and take you for granted way too many times. I thank God for you every day. I love you.

Ps. BRACES COME OFF ON THE FOLLOWING MONDAY!!! WOAHHHHHH!!!!

Nursing and what it means.

Having been on my second hospital pracs, I've never had to come to fully learn of the hearts of nurses until this ward. I am placed in a surgical ward this time round and what this means is that patients we get are pre and post operation. Many a times, we get the good stories where people come out of theatre well and recovering and they then return home and a few would come back bearing gifts of gratitude. Some, wait for news on their progress but truth to be told, even I know the heart breaking results before they do and to see how their behaviour react to such news is hard. Cancer. Terminal. Fatal. "Sorry". It's even harder to watch them in front of loved ones. Things that have suddenly turned their lives inside out. Good people, not so good people, well-to-do, homeless, lonely, anyone.

It's hard being the first few to know but everyone has to keep mum until the doctors do the painful visit through those curtains. It has really shaken me on how I nurse, how I care and how I am guilty to also take life for granted. Doesn't that hard to please patient who is in because of drugs overdose deserve the best nursing care just as much as that nice old lady who had a fall? Doesn't that demented patient deserve as much love and care as much as that child that obeys everything you tell them? I have come to realise that the people I am mostly in contact with are around my parents age and it has hit me hard that one day, when they do become frail, forgetful or even as demanding (who knows) as these "difficult" patients, they fall in the hands of nurses who judge them on how well they listen.

Don't get me wrong, not all nurses are like so but having my eyes open to this has really questioned my intentions and love. Not just to those who are easy to love but to all. My wish is that I will never lose this. I will never lose this sensitivity in me and that I will never compromise my nursing just because one patient demands my time "unnecessarily". I hope I will one day find that balance in knowing to love unconditionally yet for their good if I hold back so they can too push themselves and therefore not give up on something simple like feeding themselves. May my love not be toxic either.

Always learning.

Yes yes, I have allowed this blog go all stale and stagnant and my usual response is that I am always busy well, surprise surprise here, I have come to this cross road in my life and feel like I have not achieved much... Maybe it's because to the recurring failures as of late or I get involved in everything but fail to complete anything and now I am in this violent roller coaster ride of emotions. I honestly don't know but all I know is that I am still learning about myself and how to trust God despite of my ever-changing life.

Here is a post about my first attempt in enlisting in the Australian Defence Force (ADF)... It was definitely eye-opening where I learnt a bit more about the whole process and functioning groups within the force itself. Personally, I am striving to join the Royal Australian Army Medic Corps as a nurse in the future but I thought maybe I should start trying now. "Why?" you ask? They asked me that question too hahaha but here is my response:

"Growing up in Singapore where serving in the defence force was compulsory for all male citizens, I really saw the impact it had on friends and cousins that had to go through it. They did get unknowingly changed into someone who takes pride in their country, their people and themselves. Since I was little, I have always been inspired even just hearing stories from my very own father who went through the process without complaints. We all do take it for granted for what our country has done for us. I have always wanted to change the world which then explains why I chose to do nursing in uni. I believe that joining the force would bring me a step further into that alongside my nursing career. I want to give back not just to this country, but also to this world. I don't expect to be a hero. I don't expect to be THE ONE to change this world but I would very much like to make a difference no matter the size."

Long story short, I fell short of just one slot to the role I needed to get for the medic corps. I will try again. I will be back. As for now, I am still unsettled in a sense where I have mixed feelings about not making it now even though I understand why it actually is best that I should wait for a bit more.

"Let us pray not so much that God be on our side as we be on God's side" -King George VI

Keep trusting, keep praying Marilyn. The Lord is always faithful.