Chapter 1: 2006, the beginning with influence.

(Sorry, I found no relevant picture for this hee)

In a math problem, when we don’t get the right answer at the end, we’re taught to start from the very beginning and search for that tiny mistake you made that made such a great difference in the answer later and ultimately it’s classified as, “Wrong answer” that’s marked with a red cross at the side.

So here’s the seed, the beginning of when it all started going wrong with the choices I made and the voices I tuned into. In 2006, I was still in AVA (a.k.a “Popular” from what you read in the previous post) I has always been cheeky, testing waters and always putting myself out there. 2006 I got moved to Patience 6 where a few kids in there are now labelled “Ah Bengs & Ah Lians” (Gangsters) were in as well. I’ve known these people but not personally until that very year. Of course, I mixed with them. Of course, I became one of them.

That year, I did the baddest of all sins (Or what I rated back then) and that was to steal and lie. I wanted to hang out with my friends, I wanted to stay out late, watch movies and be in arcades. (Timezone) Did I have the allowance (Money) capable to handle my expanses out of school? No. So one of my “brothers” back then, who with I hung out with too taught me to steal. (No names shall be mentioned. Security reasons.) Literally. I was on phone conference with our usual 8 people. Every night, until I sleep. We’d prank call together, we’d be swearing at each other. (But I didn’t swear. I said my f words yes but I refused to let it be my vocab… AT FIRST) My vocab eventually multiplied a million. I knew words that made no sense if you were scolding people. I mean, calling someone “vagina” (Hokkien) isn’t that bad if you think about it. In fact, it makes no sense. It just sounds crude but literally, it makes no sense at all but instead, it makes you look like the biggest, dumbest fool on the planet. BECAUSE IT MAKES NO SENSE!

I used my new found vocabulary abundantly, definitely. I said it many times to push people around me down. & I've said it to my teacher then, Mrs Chee. Called her a "bitch" in the staff room when she called mum. I got told off, of course. By the discipline master. But that anger grew so big I didn't allow myself to love her as a teacher until 1 year after I left primary school. She's a good teacher, one who has the heart, one who comes in with joy but has her stands. Probably that was what made her not part of my "favourite" list. But yes, like I said ^ up there, it's just plain weak and nonsensical. 

My first steal, I remembered from who and how much. I wrote it on my cork board back in my old house in Singapore so I’d remember this is how much I owe the person I stole from. “$50” to papa. But the week later, I needed more cash. So again, “$20” from Mummy, “$40” from papa. Week in and out the numbers just kept increasing on my board. Sums from $50 grew to $90 at most but in total, I probably owe them at least $500.

They never did question. Maybe they questioned themselves and suspected me but never did confront me. I remember how bad I felt for the first 3 steals. I would go back to their wallets and return some money. But not much, probably about $10 each time I went back. But I’m sure I still owe them about $500.

I stopped stealing after I had an allowance raise. I bargained with mum, and she agreed. This was probably 6 weeks later. I stopped going to the arcade as much and I know whenever I need money, I just have to ask nicely and my parents, being so loving and willing to grant us all the freedom in the world (as long as they know its legal and not ungodly), AGREED.

I repented, no doubt. Have I told them? No. Maybe next time when I’m much older. But this wasn’t the start of being back to the angel child. Like I said, this was the beginning of the dark forest of unwritten but lived tales. How? I DIDN’T STOP LYING. Lying, like a seed planted within fertile soil. Springs, but its not flowers blooming. It’s weeds. Weeds growing fast, hard to rid and roots grow so thick and deep…

At this point, I lied about everything and anything. Unnecessary or “necessary” I did it anyway. It got bad till the point my family themselves couldn’t trust me. In summary, it took me 1.5 years to fully be able to not lie unconsciously anymore. But it took me 3 years to not be able to lie anymore. That when I do, I blush or I’m not myself.

So to you who’s reading this and you tend to lie here and there... The journey of giving up lying might be tough but it’s the journey worth and necessary to go through so you don’t live lies but you outshine them and live in truth and your relationships with people would improve in abundance. You wouldn’t be a hypocrite anymore.

I couldn't have done it without God. I struggled. Like I said, it's tough. Very tough especially now the devil, the father of lies, knows you're moving further away from him. Keep pushing on, pray because if God is for and with you, who could be against you? :)

Chapter 4: A bitch's tale. & Chapter 5: The twins.

Chapter 3 and 4 of where it all started for me and relationships.
I was talking to this "twin" of mine, also known as Rayner, today on What'sapp. We're pretty tight now, we've gone through so much as strangers, friends, boy/girlfriends and now as close friends, "Twins".

It hasn't always been like this.
In the year 2007, after starting Secondary 1 a boy named James started talking to me a lot. He has been in my junior/primary school and have been in my class in Primary/Year 5 and 6. When we were in primary school, we barely talked. To me, he was such a shy boy I tried so hard to include him in activities we had. But when we got to Secondary 1 (Year 7), in one of our text conversation he calls me up and mentions he has been crushing on me since primary 4. I was taken aback cause I never knew he existed then. I asked him, "How was that possible?" He says he knew my name, how I was like through his friends and how he sees me with during recess and such. (I was AVA club, its like PA and whoever who was there were known to be "popular" as it was such a rare opportunity to get into) Thus, people knew people in AVA club. I rejected him at first but had childish ideas of letting go of Yong Quan (The guy I liked in Primary 6) through him. I mean, what did I know? Silly. So I accepted him eventually.

To cut it short, it wasn't great. It lasted for a month of... Nothingness. I hurt him so bad, (bitch) he probably knew I never did like him and probably caused his world to crumble cause we didn't talk for the rest of the year but cause I was his "first sweetheart" (bitch) he constantly asked my friends about how I (bitch... SHESH!) was doing.

About 1 month later, I got closer and closer to Rayner. He liked my friends and all and like me, he too was childish but what I didn't know then... He's always serious when he asks a girl out. But just like any young boy, he moves on fast. (THANK GOD HE'S NOT LIKE THIS ANYMORE.) So he asked me out and I said yes. Did I really like him? Was I serious? No. I didn't like him, I wasn't serious. I was just plain playful and then I had the impression he was a player.

On June 3rd 2007 (My 13th Birthday) at 12am ++ He asked me out. Later that day we went to Jurong East (The ice skating place), watched a movie (I don't remember the movie) and lost my first kiss there, got my birthday gift from Sarah destroyed and dumped (I was too weak to stand up for her then. I'm sorry Sarah...) by the people who then had issues with her and we headed to Bukit Timah shopping centre McDonalds for supper. 5 days later, Rayner grew a little cold. I didn't know why then but I wanted to express my fake sadness and that was when I started slashing. I started with scissors to pen knives, to rusty pen knives then metal ca-... (Okay that's another story. I'll come to that soon. Stay tuned ;D) He burnt his hand at YunXin's birthday party and cause we were already in a cold war, it was just weird. I didn't know what to do. My girlfriends urged me to go and comfort him. We broke up about 1.5 weeks after we got together. (For the dumbest reason on his side :P & He initiated the break up through Yun Xin! JERK :P HAHAHA) Later that week, we got into a huge argument between Sarah, Rayner and I. He went back to liking her later. I admit, I'm a physical love language person and I did miss this person not because I really liked him but because of being loved. (Selfish? I know.. BITCH. But I guess like all girls, we want to know we're appreciated, loved and beautiful and we seek these judgements from the opposite gender.)

That's the end of our friendship in 2007.
Later I got together with Isaac Goh. Okay, that's the next chapter!
Our friendship didn't patch back till I left for Shanghai in August 2008. He spoke to me on msn and I was honestly surprised. I thought he hated me and all sort of anger against me. I didn't hate him (I "should" have cause that time I thought he played me) I just thought it was weird between us. But we set it right again, we started talking more, started sharing more and our friendship blossomed into close friends in 2009. We got even closer in 2010 and now, we're tight. :) There are times we stay up talking late at night because of the unlimited things we catch up on or just share that's happening in our lives. I've seen him grow a lot since the first day I met him. The honesty we have between each other is bright, plain and simple. Just very honest with each other and our own personal struggles.

When I went back in 2011, he started liking me again and all his cheeky "I don't regret..." but after that stage and me leaving for Perth again, he confessed honestly again. Yet, this time we didn't screw it up. We kept it straight and simple. We kept to our boundaries and knew how our future wouldn't intertwine that way ever again. We've gone through so much nonsense and rubbish together and now, we have a friendship of platinum.

PS. When I went back to Singapore in 2011, I learnt that he was serious with me and I was the player. I played him thinking he was playing me. (OH WHAT A BITCH! OTL) I said my honest and genuine apology. & Now, we laugh it all off.

& I STILL MISS YOU TWIN! :)

Remember what I told you today. Don't forget, He's still waiting! :P LOVES!

Chapter 14: Anorexic

This is me with Hansika, 2 years and 4 months ago. You see the droopy eyes (drug-like) I have on? That's distress right there. Here is me coming clean once again. That's me slowly but surely coming out of the down hill, dark past I had. Why are they droopy? Cause I was weak then, not much energy in me. I was anorexic, my heart wasn't at peace, I miss missing Ashim (my bi then) and yet having a whole part of me still stuck back in Singapore, having issues with friends and Zhe Hui and all that that's not settled.

So here's my story on anorexic and why I went into it.

I was in depression that I've been taken away from friends I love so much and was practically my life and family. I lived the life of the world, one that has gone of the rails so far, you wouldn't believe I was a Christian back then. (This is another story) But here I am telling you, we Christians fall, we're humans after all. We're no better, we're no where suppose to be proud and arrogant. So I was in depression, crying more and more as I hung unto the past and even more when I look at Cookie monster then. (This is also another story) I lost my appetite, & relating to the cookie monster story, I felt ugly, fat (Like any girl), not worthy of anyone let alone God's love, a slut (Another story...), guilt of what I did relating to the cookie monster story, I felt alone and someone who isn't a "somebody" anymore. Slowly from the losing of appetite and the continuous refusal of food satisfied my loud speaking mind, I didn't know I was entering the stage of anorexic. It made me feel happy, the little sick joy I was getting from it because I have a high tolerance of pain, thrills as such satisfied my sadistic craving of self harm I used to have. (This too is part of the story where I wasn't truly a  Christian)

I would look at what the world called "beautiful" and look at myself, constantly asking why can't I be like that. People, especially friends and relatives would look at me and say,"Wow, you've lost a lot of weight!" I didn't think much then but felt proud of myself. I remember weighing 48kg. Before that, I was 56kg. & I was 1.66m tall then. Definitely underweight. If you look back at the posts in 2007 (I blogged since I was 11 but this blog dates back to where I've already fallen away from God and through the journey of fake smiles and all that) you'd find this sad girl hiding in a shell after knowing this fact.

So back to anorexicsm, Melanie came Shanghai to visit late 2008. She looked at me and she knew something was wrong. The first thing she said was, "Why do you look so sick!?" I just shrug and walked away. (Yeah, I was really quiet when I was in Shanghai. Told you, depression) She bought loads of tidbits oh which I turned down most. She had to bargain with me so that I'd have some. I did, but that was it. The taste of potatochips was so foreign, it was disgusting. One day, she looked at me and said, "MARILYN. I know what you are doing. STOP IT and eat." I gave her the devil stare and said, "I'm not hungry!" and walked away.

Soon, she left. We later moved to Perth, start of 2009. For the first 7 months to be exact, all I brought to school for recess and lunch was 1 muesli bar. That was it. Occasionally I'd get ice cream with my girlfriends but that was it. My friends joked about me being anorexic, and we'd laugh it off. But this solid rock in my throat reminded me that it's true. I was anorexic, I was. I knew it then. The more they joked, the more I knew they were right but the fatter I felt with each extra bite I had for dinner.

Soon, Melanie moved to Perth. I'm not sure if she truly knew what I placed myself in but she did make me eat more. She made me love food again. & one thing she said that stuck to me till today is, "Life is short, just eat and enjoy! Don't starve yourself!" Thank you er jie. :) Since then, I started bring a little more to school. Since my 48kg, I increased till 56kg again and after rowing, fats weren't the problem, instead muscles are my weight and I'm proud of it. Now, I'm 58kg, healthy, active and out of self harm.

Through it all, Daddy God has been there. OF COURSE! For this matter, He showed me that I'm not alone. That I'm not ugly, that I was made in HIS image, that I'm loved no matter what I do or how bad I've been before by Him who is LOVE HIMSELF. What more can I ask for? Cause He's reminded me, to Him I'm beautiful and the world's view of beauty is just so over rated. ;) So you, you who's reading this,

YOU'RE AWESOME, BEAUTIFUL/HANDSOME AND AMAZING. I pinkie promise! ^-^

Love.

I found this, I'm not sure if I've posted this in my blog before. But here you go. Here's tab and joy! 

School's starting so sooooooon!

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I've recently read an article through my fellow ocf blogger friend :)

Here it is: http://www.bible-knowledge.com/fruits-of-the-holy-spirit/

& I've decided. I'm going to challenge myself to start nurturing the different fruits of the Spirit within myself. Some needs more work than others but definitely, ALL needs nurturing.

So this is how I'm going to do it. I'm going to work exceptionally hard on one for the week, of course with the other fruits along but super duper uber cautious of one. & By the end of this journey, it's going to be so imparted in me, I'd polish myself up and continue to shine for God!

& You're welcome to watch me on this journey! & This week...

... is LOVE!

lets go! ^-^b

When you said those 3 heart felt words.

You have no idea how much I love this guy. My 4 heroes, gonggong, da jiujiu(Mum's dad and Oldest brother) papa and grandpapa. :)
Just a baby, I looked into those eyes of love and slowly I drift to sleep in your arms.
You held me like gold, you held me like a treasure.

You left for the market with Ah neh and came back. Seeing me at the gate you asked me to get Mercy to open it for you. Being the cheeky me since young, I looked at you with all seriousness saying,"Mummy not home. Daddy not home." & didn't allow you in with those heavy groceries you held. Soon Mercy came to the rescue.

I grew a little too heavy for your arms but I was always on your lap. If not, running around. & I'd be climbing things, jumping from the table to the hard solid bed believing I was spiderman and You'd always say, "Sam seng mah!" (English: Tom boy) and we'd fall and laugh.
We'd play games with ah neh. & I'd disturb you while you take your afternoon naps.
But the time spent with us was limited, you always had to go.

Return to Sydney and I always next looked forward to when you'd return again.
I was 4, I was excited you just came from the airport and I wanted to show you my favourite new stunt that I could cart wheel. I bent sideways a little too far and fell. Hitting my head on the edge of your bed, I cried. You came running to me with Ah neh and laughing at my silliness.

Your pills, I always insisted on feeding you. Your health supplement I was so tempted to eat myself but you'd say it's for old people not "xiao gou" (English: puppy [Because I'm born in the year of the dog])
& You left again.

Soon, I could ride my bike without falling and we'd go to the play ground together when you return. I'd watch you have your tea ever so often and experimenting with Ah neh's half boiled eggs. Putting in wine, putting in soy sauce etc etc.

We'd go for a swim together at aunt's place. & one unfortunate event I was gonna do a poop right there and then and you had to grab me out of the pool.
We'd fold air planes together and see who's plane went the furthest.
I made a gun one day out of paper and you made me feel like the smartest kid on earth.

We watched chinese shows together before I get picked up again.
You let me watch you brush your teeth and play with your old dental stuff.
While growing up, you asked me what I wanted to be. I'd always say missionary and the smile you had reassured me, I was gonna get there one day. & I will be the missionary I use to tell you all about, changing the world. You laughed and asked me why not dentist just like you. I thought that wasn't as good as missionary. Oh, what did I know?
& You left.

Sending you off at the airport I remembered losing my favourite gold mickey mouse necklace to that old changi airport fountain. I remembered crying on the way home.
I would wake up early when you guys were over. Other than that, I'd have never have been able to see papa getting ready for work cause I'm such a pig.

I grew older and more rebellious, I found you evil at one point cause you constantly chased chelsea. Oh, oh, oh so silly. We made abacus and little yellow skin thing with mince meat in the middle together. I remember you feeding me too when I was little.

& in the year 2006 when you finally returned again, I changed so much. I grew so much. I became a monster you didn't get to see often. I snuck out of school then, went out after school and coming home so late. You were upset, I didn't care then. You asked the others and they tried telling me to stop but I didn't listen. Until you left again.

I grew older and mature much more, & I enjoyed every visit I had with you again.
But when I started treasuring them once more, they got shorter and shorter, lesser and lesser. Whenever you called, I asked if you'd be coming to Perth. You'd say maybe. But later I learnt the real answer, the real reason. I keep hoping though. You always call us, I don't remember or even dare say I've ever called you on my own accord. I see Daddy God's love through you. It's amazing and just so real.

I know this might sound weird but I'm proud of you. Who you are, your faith in God and all. I'm proud to be your grand daughter. Especially how much you dote on me. A lot a lot.
I love you grand daddy. Ah Tah, I can't wait to see you in December.
I miss you too.