Shaken.

I have once struggled with the addiction to slashing my arms and I have not made a single slit since 2009, praise God! But even though I have proclaimed that as my past, I won't lie that it is a constant struggle to not get back into it. It has been alright in shutting these thoughts away until recently this year... This year has been a very trying year... Lost friends, felt alone, made decisions I struggled through and encountering my past right in front of me... The feeling of it goes something like if you have once smoked before, at one scent of a cigarette, a toxic yet strange craving in you is suddenly awaken. Like you just entered the cave of a wild beast living in you.

Life as you can tell is slowly getting stressful especially at school and wanting to keep up with people but I simply lack the time. It's definitely my responsibility to make it work but for now, I know I definitely need to catch up on school.

Negativity has started flooding me and honestly, I'm not surprised if this is another trial but to add on top of these thoughts, loose comments from very dear ones is adding to this toxic these thoughts are boiling...

"I can't do it." "This is it." "Just one?" "Just one and it will send this monster away." "Life is not worth it." "You're going to fail." "You're getting fat." "You're ugly." "You suck." "Eww, Marilyn." "You don't have as many commitments, yet you can't do it!?" "You're boasting." "Why are you so proud?" "You're not that great." "Just leave." "You're not worthy." "Escape it all." "Run away." "Just do it." "It's your fault." "Everyone leaves anyways." 

Tonight was the pinnacle of this... Thoughts of leaving in the car, being selfish and just jam stop it all... So broken... So I started texting Puan because I am thankful for that little bubble of wisdom that God managed to squeeze in... She reminded me, Philippians 4:8

"...You'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious - the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not to curse..."

"Ah..."

How true those words are, how when we enter a time of authentic worship, its just God in our mind and hearts... So I did as the verse says, listened to the newest Hillsong album, Glorious Ruins. & I'm reminded that "He's the God who saves, He's the hope I hope, reaching out Your hand as Your people call."

Because I'm limited.

I honestly think I've hit an emotional low... I'm stressed with school work, negativity has over written thoughts of optimism, self-confidence has seem to plummet, giving into being in this corner, yes, it's my fault. It is...

Oh Daddy, may I find rest, comfort, content and joy in You... Because I don't think I can do this alone..

"The Lord will never leave you nor forsake you; Don't ever forget that!"

Hebrews 13:5

We know the end, we just pretend.

"I'll miss you. Everything is just so wrong and I don't belong and I'm just living in your precious memories."

Podpod adventures! :D

Exploring train tracks at Kent St Weir with Spods! 

Knowing Shane is still in his little bubble of tastes and food of this world, I've decided to try something out with him... Introduce him to my childhood snacks that carries not just familiar tastes (to me) but also share their significance of them in my growing up years in Singapore! In regards to that, we went Asian snack grocery shopping today!

Questions I asked:
1. First impression
2. Outside appearance, what did you expect
3. Taste
4. Anything interesting?

What we tried today and Shane's responses:
White Rabbit milk candy

- Since it stated milk candy, he was expecting the taste.

- Expected it to be chewy :)

- Tasted like milk chocolate to him! :o

- All checked out.

What it means to me:

While growing up, this has been the candy that would be shared out at school and be usually found around Chinese new year in my family because my cousins absolutely love them. Since then, there has been cases of poisoning in this lollies that made their popularity die a little but since then have been under strict supervision so... All good! It's not exactly my favourite candy out there but I know I love that transparent plastic-like wrapping each lolly that I had doubts about eating when I was just a little kid. Until I tasted the edge and felt it melt away in my mouth. :)

Onion Rings chips

"1. Like plain Cheezles. 2. Looks like Cheezles. 3. Bland. Where's the onion? 4. All checks out."

I've never really taken fancy in this to be honest... But Melanie and Melissa did like this though. Thought maybe we should give it a try especially since I've not had them in a while. :)

Sparkling apple drink

"1. Bottle with can lid 2. Fizzy apple drink. 3. Sparkling apple juice. Would drink again. 4. Pretty normal. Packaging is cool."

I remember seeing these cool looking cans in vending machines and I would beg mum to buy me one while growing up simply because I love them cans!

Pocky

"1. Chocolate on a stick. Can't go wrong. 2. See #1. 3. Chocolate was a bit rich. 4. Pretty normal."

Went through a Pocky phase before in my life while I was living in Shanghai. In shanghai there are heaps of flavours and different types such as mousse and additional toppings on them. I was very addicted to these while I was in Shanghai to a point that I would have one almost once every two days at least! Friends identified it to me as well and would usually buy me a box of these lovely things just to cheer me up then. :)

Kickapoo

"1. Fizzy drink. Should be fine. 

2. Apparently it's like Mountain Dew? 

3. I've had this before. Lemon lime mineral water. 

4. Can buy cheaper in Coles :P " 

Taste seems different as to how I remembered it but it sure does bring back memories of Singapore because other than Singapore and Malaysia, I've never seen this. I would usually get a can of this when I visited my grandparents back when I was little at Jurong and sure reminds me of the times I've spent at their place drinking this drink.

Hello Panda

"1. Some chocolate and biscuit combo? 

 2. Chocolate. I'm keen. 

 3. Heavenly. Divine. Would definitely buy again. 

4. Seemed normal." 

 Hello Panda has always been a delight to have though I am fully aware I did go through an obsession phase with these as well to a point I did feel sick after having wayyyyyy too much and I remember moving onto the vanilla flavoured ones just to get away from the chocolate ones for a bit. This was the snack that I would buy at the school canteen in 2007, Secondary 1 (Year 7) and sneak it into our English class. A group of us rebel girls would sit at the back, right next to the back door, 4 of us sharing packs and packs of hello pandas. Once we ran out and if we still had half an hour of our class, we'd send one person to the canteen to buy a few more and stuff them under our shirts so we wouldn't get caught eating in class! 

 Fruit pudding 

 "1. Jelly maybe.

2. Custardy jelly?

3. Tastes like frozen yoghurt, but thicker like custard.

4. Haven't had stuff like it. Tastes normal though." 

We use to have heaps of these while growing up though my memory of these was when we got them from the supermarkets in Johor Bahru (Malaysia) when we went on trips as a family. I love the little coconut bits in there to a point I would eat the rest of the pudding and leave my little collection of coconut bits in there and have them last. :3 

 We have more fruit pudding in the fridge, so till next time... We'll figure this fruit pudding out. :P

Egg Tarts!

Well, we didn't buy these. The 'rents got them from the bakery at Spencer Village but hey! Asian food that Shane has never had! So here we go:


"1. Looks like a custard tart. 
2. Not sure if sweet or savory. 
3. Weird combination of egg a short crust. Good though. 
4. Haha egg tart. Sounds silly, but it's nice."

Egg tarts are definitely a big thing in a Chinese family. I cannot remember my first neither can I remember my last but as far as I'm concerned, I did have a phase of these too... I know, I know... But I can't help it. I'm that happy fat kid that would eat till my brain shuts down and my tummy remembers the taste and adds it to the list of "horror"... When Melanie was still living in Perth, she would bake these fairly often to give to people simply because it's not common here in Perth and its pretty simple to make. I would still have them in moderation now... Lesson learnt!

On Thursday, 22nd of August 2013 Shane and I agreed to celebrate a little earlier this month since we'll be supporting Kelv at his gig on the actual night (Which would be the 25th). Since this was going to be a monthly affair, we also agreed that we'll take turns organising and planning monthsavaries. So I'm in charge of the even months and he, the odds.

Brought him to Leedervile, which is personally my favourite happy spot for food and artsy shops. I have known that Shane would like a Passenger album record so I was very hopeful that Urban Depot would have it. (Shane collects records and enjoys playing them on his record player) When we went in, I turned to him, "Present part 1! You get to pick anything from this shop and I'll pay for it!" I went straight for the 'P' section for records. To my disappointment there wasn't any 'Passenger'. I then turned a tad disappointed and said, "There isn't any 'Passenger'..." He then replies, "I wouldn't think so." I then  looked up and BAM! It was displayed on the wall. I grabbed his arm and yelled, "PASSENGER!" We both got excited and we got it off the wall and paid for it.


We left the shop soon after because we were both starving and didn't want to miss out on the amazing Little Caesars pizza. We ordered Chicken Satay, Apple strudel dessert pizza and I got Pecan pie and Shane got Sticky fingers to go. I felt so self cautious with my braces because I could feel loads of food getting stuck everywhereeeee. We then finished up and headed back to the car to offload our goods. We decided to walk the streets just to check out the other stores near by then returning to the car we felt like we wanted this night to last a little longer. So, we headed to East Perth river where we spotted a homeless lying in his sleeping bag trying to fight against the cold. We walked down half way and went back up to the park where we sat under the canopy to just... talk. We were going through the 'Boyfriend tag' questions the night before, so we just carried on with that. I've learnt so much more about him through the simplest questions such as things he doesn't enjoy drinking and why to his favourite sandwich, the BLT. (; We stayed there till 12 where we then headed to the car and we carried on talking about the past then the future till about 1. Our night didn't just end there. We spotted maccas along the way so yes, we did a maccas run where we ate nuggets and talked even more. Conversations are endless, things to learn and catch up on in each other's lives are just unending. Got home at 2.

Dear Spods,
We both have our flaws, we both have our quirks but at this moment, I would like to stop and really humble myself and thank God for putting you in my life. How you were there even when I push everyone around me away and how you stuck it out with determination. Instead, you went over your own barriers, overcoming all hurdles and reaching out to mine you charge through mine to bring me out of all that I have built around myself with all the baggages I have lugged along. Its definitely been a fairly short journey so far but we've gone through all hurdles possible that could have caused any couple to just fall apart. I'm thankful that I get to spend my best and worst moments with you. I'm thankful that you are able to remind me who I am, a child of God and how I'm able to get through the toughest situation in your own way. You might not be on the same boat as I am but I'm thankful that you are willing to maybe one day be able to see it the way I do. I'm sorry for all that I've put you through but I am glad we came out stronger than ever from them. You mean a lot to me and even though this is like a ticking time bomb, at least we gave it our best shot. Don't give up just yet, don't hold back, open your eyes and just take a step back. I'm with you, I'll take your hand and don't be afraid to see the unseen, to hear the still quiet voice and to know an indescribable presence. I love you, happy 2 months. 

Love,
Me.