Chapter 15: A bitch's tale 2 (Pad) + Cookie monster (Part 3: For a friend and pain)

This following story is rated: "BRAIN FART"
It contains a series of unfortunate events and truths of Marilyn's reality.

In the year 2008, it was the year that was most significant to me. It's the year that God completed His patch work from the land mine I planted the year before and blew myself up, the year a friend shook my life, the year I liked a boy and was seriously serious and the year, that pushed me to a point I thought had no return.

But this part today is just about boys, more boys and a friend.

(Continuation from: Cookie monster (Part 2: 4 best friends and a sheila))

Promises made between Zhe Hui and I. Questions were popped but smart decisions were made. He asked if I would be his, we talked about it, came to a conclusion that not yet, but we'll wait for each other. I mean, 3 years later I'd be back, its OK, I know I am serious about this person but fears in me, built and engulfed my being. 


I was a player before, how do I know for certain that I wouldn't play with this guy? So what if I liked him since April? It's only been 4 months of liking and the desire to want to share my life with this person was still burning strong. But how could you compare that with 3 years that's ahead of us? 3 years, I know if we get together now, I'd bound to break his fragile heart. "You're the first girl I really love. You showed me that I am more than who I thought I was, you showed me the world from a different perspective. You're just so different." <--- Heart strings SNAP! SNAP SNAP! 


"I'll wait for you, its ok. We will make it through this =)" Yeah, 3 years later I will be in sec5, 2011. 3 years, I will still return to the same school I left. I will be back to where he was, I can do this! I'll tell you blatantly honest, Zhe Hui, read this or not, I know you know this. To me, you caught me off guard, after I got played at the end of January 2008, I told myself I will never get into a relationship ever again. Love is bullshit, who needs it, its a waste of time. I knew I was strong enough to fly solo all the way, die alone, its okay, I've got family and friends who love me. You showed me what it meant to love. I've never learnt love in practical terms properly since my relationships from the very start were all based on playing already. You showed me what it meant to be serious about God. You showed me what it meant to forgive my family, you showed me what it meant to love them especially and you showed me what it meant to care about my future instead of just being the usual me of mucking around and making a fool of myself. You showed me what it meant to fight for what I know is worth, just have faith. 


For this, I knew Zhe Hui was different. I knew, he wasn't like any other guys. I knew, he meant every word he said. He was so honest and so caring... Who was I kidding? He's "DA ONE!"

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"Marilyn? Do you still like Zhe Hui?" Was the question that stopped my thoughts. It came from a friend... No, not just any friend. A friend that was my best friend at the end of sec1 2007 and at the start of 2008. We did everything together. We went out together, went for drama classes together, lunch together, sleepovers together, gaming together and staying awake for numerous nights in a row just for the fun of it. 


Our friendship stopped abruptly on the second week of April 2008. We didn't talk for the rest of the time I was in Singapore, though I tried writing letters. I cried, honestly because losing a best friend isn't easy I'll say. It's hard and soon you learn that, don't give up because I knew I needed this person in my life. She claimed she didn't care about me. She tried proving it by swearing at me, saying I was using people etc etc. But we patched it up awkwardly at the airport when I was leaving for Shanghai. She turned up, I was surprised and when it came to hugging, I teared when she came forward. Conclusion, we became best friends again after I left till this very day. :) She's someone I don't want to lose again. Ever. & I mean those words.


So when she asked me that question, I froze and thought to myself... "She likes him! SHE LIKES HIM... I've lost 3 other friends (the 3 guys that somehow liked me) I can't lose her again..." My reply: "Erm... No... not anymore, why? :)" "Oh, haha cause I think I'm starting to like him. Now I see why you like him before haha :$" 

WHY... WHYYYY? WHY!? WHYYYYYYYY!?

maybe I'm not meant to be with this person... I should give up now before its too late... Friends before guys, I've told myself that since the very start...

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Next day at SSIS, in Chinese class, boys were playing with crushed paper balls at the back of the class, near where I was seated. One boy, named Padrick threw one under my chair. I picked it up, threw it back and they were all: OOOOOOO o-o and continued.

Went home, came online:

*MSN SOUND: NEW FRIEND REQUEST!*

Padrick wants to be friends, do you accept or ignore?

*Click accept*

Padrick: Hey :)

-fast forward conversation-

Padrick: Will you be my girlfriend?

Me: Wait what? I don't even know you... I didn't even know you existed until you added me on msn...

Padrick: It's ok, we'll get to know each other along the way.

Me: Sorry... I can't... I kinda still like someone else... Just... I don't know, I need time to figure all this out.

Padrick: Alright, I'll be your korkor then.

Me: Yeah, ok.

>> 1 week later <<

Padrick: I really like you, will you please be my girlfriend?

Me: I told you, I like someone else...

Padrick: It's ok, I don't care if you don't like me now. You'll get to know me even better later.

Me: I really can't...

Padrick: Just give me a shot please?

Me: I'll think about it...

>>>>>>> NEXT DAY <<<<<<<

Me: Padrick asked to me to be his girlfriend... What is he like?

A and C: Give him a shot, he's really nice! :)

Me: I don't know... He's so persistent... I don't want to hurt him :\

A and C: Well, he's sad now, why don't you go for it and see?

Me: *sigh* ok. #I really want my friendship with JLee, I guess I have to give up something...#

~That night~

Padrick: So will you be my girlfriend?

Me: um yes..

*A few days more passed, talked more to Padrick*
To cut it short, I found out which primary school he went to and I knew exactly who went to that primary school before and linked them back together and they started talking again because they lost contact after Padrick moved to Shanghai.


So that person that went to his primary school was JY, one of the guys of the 4 best friends. JY asked how did Padrick meet me, Padrick answered: She's my girlfriend!
Cut it even shorter, now my whole school in Singapore found out that I wasn't with Zhe Hui, and soon Zhe Hui found out. Once he found out, he didn't talk to me. I understand, I didn't tell him anything... I still liked him but now that's forbidden because of what's happening. I ruined 4 guys friendships with each other and I could have ruined my friendship with my friend that means a lot to me, once again... I didn't want that... So we didn't talk for 4 months since. Upset, yes, this was the start of my Anorexia. Sick to the core, I couldn't eat. I felt ugly, too hard upon myself, I cried too often to even comprehend reasons. Everything was broken... But I kept a constant look out for Zhe Hui still. I constantly asked friends about him; friends that knew this deep dark secret within me that I still had the heart for Zhe Hui, and only Zhe Hui.


*Singing tune: BITCHHHHHHHHHHH~* Yes, I know but I kept honest through out my whole relationship with Padrick. Whenever he asked if I liked him yet, I would say, "A little, I'm trying. I need time..." JLee, my best friend again, in October 2008 said, "I really like him eh! I think I might ask him if he could be my boyfriend." Well, I cried that night. Someone I really wanted yet couldn't have. I've caused this, no one should know. Starve myself even more, I hate myself. Cutting down 1 meal at first then to not eating completely... My best friend with my other best friend I'm mad about... "All the best! Jiayous! YOU CAN DO IT! :D" was what I replied. I was broken, cried insanely, found all the odd reasons to break up with Padrick because I couldn't take it and I didn't want him to think my swollen eyes were because of him. So I did. I broke up with him...


Not a pretty sight... The next day, eyes swollen, friends run up to me saying he's emo-ing somewhere. He left my fave shanghai drink: Wang lao ji, strawberry pocky (I loved pocky, he bought me one every week. But I didn't like strawberry, so I gave it to my friend, C *BITCHHHHHH~* yeah yeah, I know... :\) and a hand-made sunflower under my desk. Cause I like sunflowers with a heart behind. Ran about school, finally, found him at the very spot where we shared moments. Slashing, shackled, eyes swollen too. On his arm he has carved my name on it. I remember wishing I only had 1 letter in my name because looking at the bloody "marilyn <3" was ugh. Friends left to allow us to talk. Talked to him and left him crying without a penknife. I broke it and threw it away. 2 weekends later, some went kbox and I didn't. They ordered alcohol and drank. He was one of them. He got drunk, (Shall save the embarrassing bits) cried my name over and over and started calling me. Conclusion, he started shouting "bitch" as well... Next day found him covered in more blood with bloody "Marilyn"s again. He offered if I got back with him, he'd stop... So... Got back with him for another 2 weeks and broke up with him again. *BITCHHHHHHHHHH ALERT!!!!!!*


I continued asking about Zhe Hui, he blog hopped and soon I could not trace his blog. He never came online, left many offline messages... No replies...


5 Months later, I see him come online! *HAPPYGIRL!!!*
Didn't say much, he told me JLee asking him out but he rejected. (I knew that, JLee was telling me how he sucks now hahaha) He became very suicidal , saying everyone hates him... He asked me if I was with anyone... 

"Yes, I am. His name is Ashim..." 

"Oh, haha. Last long! :)"

LPG's birthday. The day Padrick finds out LPG likes him, (They got together later) and the day where marks the 2nd day I was with Ashim.

to be continued.

The taste of fading.

School holidays are coming to an end.

Back to reality and the race begins.

Oh erase those words and never say them again, the scar it leaves lingers in this rain.

"Tell her, "I love her"" 

"I want Arnotts shortbread bickies and chai latte."  "& while you guys are in the lounge, I want the playlist running in the background to be clubbing songs." "& When I appear for my grand opening, let the song be, "You raise me up. ;)""

"I'll also make sure my friend who's my MC for that day would ensure you get your song dedication too! LMFAO, Party Rockers!"

Title of this conversation: Untitled.

"love" does not justify love itself anymore.

She's someone that needs to be listened to. She use to have you but slowly, you faded. She presents her requests with gentleness but you brushed them aside with ignorance. What has happened? You know one thing for sure, she misses you. She misses you a whole DAMN lot. Do you not hear her cry for your attention? Do you not see her love gifts? She might have a strong willed mind, she might have her way of different perspectives you once adored. She might have had her way to made you happy but now it has become mundane to you. She has tried to stop you from becoming who you are right now but you too have a strong-willed mind. We insist, we're stubborn. We're caring, we're loving. But when stubbornness starts to overrule, the loving is then slowly but surely fading out...

1Corinthians 13:4-7 ⁴ Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud ⁵ or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. ⁶ It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. ⁷ Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.


I watched a movie recently, quote: "How am I suppose to show love to somebody over and over and over, who constantly rejects me!?"


"That's a good question. The answer is you can't love her because you can't understand how to truly understand love. You love even when they don't deserve it. It's not because of some reward I can get out of. Just like how God loves us."


Broken life we live in and all we need is truly, LOVE.
because GOD IS LOVE. 

morning's clock.

Like the title, morning clock..? Morning clock because in the morning when we're getting ready for school, somehow time seems to be going triple its usual speed especially, what I call the "BLACK HOLE TIME" where we snooze and BOOM 5 mins left before your bus leaves!

So in relation to the title, lately a lot of things happening, has happened and there's so much I have always told myself to blog about. To share the countless thoughts in my head and really I do want to rid them from feasting my living state right now. It's bringing the zombie-me back. From sleeping early as a tool to get rid of these thoughts but turns out they never stop when I sleep. & because it keeps my brain processing as mad as ever when I am asleep, I wake up feeling as if I have not slept in a week... So here are steps I am going to take to change this because just ever so honestly and frankly, I miss the old me. Though the crappiest moments I had in the past, I miss the me that isn't as weak as now. That had a head full of air and happy memories not racing thoughts and the constant visits to the dark corner in my brain cause this dark corner was built day by day in the year 2010. I visit this corner not to be all emo but to remember the pain of what has happened and to keep me far far away from this corner where I once camped at the start of the year. But this breaks me. Why? To know I am this weak and I hate it.

Why the sudden rants on my blog? Well, I trust you that whoever you are reading this is one of those I trust to see this part of me.

Fair? Well life was never made fair was it. But through these confusion and being kept away I have learnt to move on with life without people tagging beside me cause honestly sometimes I feel I am just another boil stuck to them without a choice. Some people read pass me and reassure but what are words when you say them but don't prove them. Friend? I have many I can turn to but in all honesty, the one I use to tell everything to feels like a rock. I live in my own bubble now. Not too long ago I constantly turned to a rock to talk to where I carved a friend out of but rocks dont talk back do they... & This kind of relationship is what I totally detest. It's as if you just want to know what's happening in my life for the sake of it not because you really care that you would tell me something from your heart not just your head where mental knowledge comes.


And you know something? I will come clean here once and for all. I have issues against my love language. In fact, I dislike my love language. I find it unhelpful while growing up. The irony of the thing that helps me express love actually hurls rocks at me. Right now, I wish love language in me did not exist because I don't want it and I don't need it. It messes with my brain, my insides and my actions and really I would love to cut it off but how when its not something I could cut off?


Guess what? I know its not a bad thing to actually like pain which shows my pain tolerance isnt too low but I dislike how it makes me do stupid things so that pain could take away all these thoughts that robs me of my living being and dont get me wrong, these thoughts are not evil or bad thoughts. Neither are they good. They are just reflections of my actions, things that has happened before and steps that I could do to get better in things I need to be refined at. Stress? Maybe but really, I feel like I need a good sleep with no dreams but just plain white ones like before.

Why am I not turning to anyone? Simply because of issues stated above. So its all in circles.
And yes, recently I lied. I lied I had an headache but just honestly, I need a breather to slow down, away from people and a whole checklist of things I need to ensure to be on the ball. I don't have much to say just frankly because a good cry of letting all of these go is enough to bring me back. I am at the peak of stuff I piled upon myself...

I miss mummy. She's the one who would/could hug... :\

But through it all, I've learnt one great lesson...
To not let people affect my faith because really, it should be built upon God Himself and nothing else. As people will always disappoint each other but that is when we realise that God is what we need and He is always there and will never change.

I'm now a free bird, flying out of this cage and into the great world and beyond with Daddy God carrying my tired wings.

Pulling back winter's sweater sleeves.

Learning from history so the future doesn't become a repeated history...

I try, but sometimes I question. 

I fall and I learn. 

To be in the middle is never pleasant. 

To be the one to fall on either sides that affects both sides. 

Yet, to be mutual and all is good. 

Silence isn't too great if distraction is the cost of someone else.

Surrendering hands I retreat, 

oh stop these wandering thoughts Daddy God.

& To me You pour Your joy and burst forth of joy in me explodes,

to that window may I peak,

oh clear this smudged mirrors,

that frightens and shakes the one who stares right back.

I. REFUSE. because it's not what could be done but what has been done.

& on, I walk because everything is still and always in HIS control. :)