"love" does not justify love itself anymore.

She's someone that needs to be listened to. She use to have you but slowly, you faded. She presents her requests with gentleness but you brushed them aside with ignorance. What has happened? You know one thing for sure, she misses you. She misses you a whole DAMN lot. Do you not hear her cry for your attention? Do you not see her love gifts? She might have a strong willed mind, she might have her way of different perspectives you once adored. She might have had her way to made you happy but now it has become mundane to you. She has tried to stop you from becoming who you are right now but you too have a strong-willed mind. We insist, we're stubborn. We're caring, we're loving. But when stubbornness starts to overrule, the loving is then slowly but surely fading out...

1Corinthians 13:4-7 ⁴ Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud ⁵ or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. ⁶ It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. ⁷ Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.


I watched a movie recently, quote: "How am I suppose to show love to somebody over and over and over, who constantly rejects me!?"


"That's a good question. The answer is you can't love her because you can't understand how to truly understand love. You love even when they don't deserve it. It's not because of some reward I can get out of. Just like how God loves us."


Broken life we live in and all we need is truly, LOVE.
because GOD IS LOVE. 

morning's clock.

Like the title, morning clock..? Morning clock because in the morning when we're getting ready for school, somehow time seems to be going triple its usual speed especially, what I call the "BLACK HOLE TIME" where we snooze and BOOM 5 mins left before your bus leaves!

So in relation to the title, lately a lot of things happening, has happened and there's so much I have always told myself to blog about. To share the countless thoughts in my head and really I do want to rid them from feasting my living state right now. It's bringing the zombie-me back. From sleeping early as a tool to get rid of these thoughts but turns out they never stop when I sleep. & because it keeps my brain processing as mad as ever when I am asleep, I wake up feeling as if I have not slept in a week... So here are steps I am going to take to change this because just ever so honestly and frankly, I miss the old me. Though the crappiest moments I had in the past, I miss the me that isn't as weak as now. That had a head full of air and happy memories not racing thoughts and the constant visits to the dark corner in my brain cause this dark corner was built day by day in the year 2010. I visit this corner not to be all emo but to remember the pain of what has happened and to keep me far far away from this corner where I once camped at the start of the year. But this breaks me. Why? To know I am this weak and I hate it.

Why the sudden rants on my blog? Well, I trust you that whoever you are reading this is one of those I trust to see this part of me.

Fair? Well life was never made fair was it. But through these confusion and being kept away I have learnt to move on with life without people tagging beside me cause honestly sometimes I feel I am just another boil stuck to them without a choice. Some people read pass me and reassure but what are words when you say them but don't prove them. Friend? I have many I can turn to but in all honesty, the one I use to tell everything to feels like a rock. I live in my own bubble now. Not too long ago I constantly turned to a rock to talk to where I carved a friend out of but rocks dont talk back do they... & This kind of relationship is what I totally detest. It's as if you just want to know what's happening in my life for the sake of it not because you really care that you would tell me something from your heart not just your head where mental knowledge comes.


And you know something? I will come clean here once and for all. I have issues against my love language. In fact, I dislike my love language. I find it unhelpful while growing up. The irony of the thing that helps me express love actually hurls rocks at me. Right now, I wish love language in me did not exist because I don't want it and I don't need it. It messes with my brain, my insides and my actions and really I would love to cut it off but how when its not something I could cut off?


Guess what? I know its not a bad thing to actually like pain which shows my pain tolerance isnt too low but I dislike how it makes me do stupid things so that pain could take away all these thoughts that robs me of my living being and dont get me wrong, these thoughts are not evil or bad thoughts. Neither are they good. They are just reflections of my actions, things that has happened before and steps that I could do to get better in things I need to be refined at. Stress? Maybe but really, I feel like I need a good sleep with no dreams but just plain white ones like before.

Why am I not turning to anyone? Simply because of issues stated above. So its all in circles.
And yes, recently I lied. I lied I had an headache but just honestly, I need a breather to slow down, away from people and a whole checklist of things I need to ensure to be on the ball. I don't have much to say just frankly because a good cry of letting all of these go is enough to bring me back. I am at the peak of stuff I piled upon myself...

I miss mummy. She's the one who would/could hug... :\

But through it all, I've learnt one great lesson...
To not let people affect my faith because really, it should be built upon God Himself and nothing else. As people will always disappoint each other but that is when we realise that God is what we need and He is always there and will never change.

I'm now a free bird, flying out of this cage and into the great world and beyond with Daddy God carrying my tired wings.

Pulling back winter's sweater sleeves.

Learning from history so the future doesn't become a repeated history...

I try, but sometimes I question. 

I fall and I learn. 

To be in the middle is never pleasant. 

To be the one to fall on either sides that affects both sides. 

Yet, to be mutual and all is good. 

Silence isn't too great if distraction is the cost of someone else.

Surrendering hands I retreat, 

oh stop these wandering thoughts Daddy God.

& To me You pour Your joy and burst forth of joy in me explodes,

to that window may I peak,

oh clear this smudged mirrors,

that frightens and shakes the one who stares right back.

I. REFUSE. because it's not what could be done but what has been done.

& on, I walk because everything is still and always in HIS control. :)

Chapter 28: Here (1)

With a turn, I look and smile. Saying, "Indeed I've grown. Indeed I've matured. Indeed I'm blessed and indeed God is real because indeed, He has carried me through all that I've gone through."

This is one of my bestf, Yun and I. In the year 2007.
I know I skipped all the way back to the end of my Dark forest memory reminiscing collection but I feel its appropriate.
After all these years, my goals in life has changed. My aspiration has changed and so have my personality. I've learnt a lot, I've seen a fair bit and I've done numerous things.

Today I had my parent teacher interview (like I've mentioned in my earlier post), if you knew after getting my results back I was hugely disappointed. I didn't meet any of my goals. Not even the subjects that I've been soaring in. I prayed, I worked hard and I kept my promise to praise God no matter how I have done. Some of you might say: Hey, don't give up it's okay, you can do better next time. Or even some: Where was your God then when you needed Him?

He was there all this while. He was there the day I was just an embryo. He was there when I was a foetus. He was there when my fingerprints and footprints were being engraved onto me. He was there when I took my first cry. He was there when that surfer saved my life. He was there when I scooped that girl out. He was there when I sat my paper and He is there no matter where I'm headed.

Though I didn't do as well as I thought I could, I actually learnt an important lesson through God not granting me my request to reach my goals. He made me realise that He is far greater than these. Today, going for the parent teacher interview, being compared to my year level, I'm actually doing really well. 1st in Math, 5th in English, Top 10 for Human Bio, A for chinese and 18th in Chemistry. "Improving" was the common word I've heard. & The common question from dad: What could she do to improve further to reach her goals of As? & their replies are: "She's already doing it."

Frankly, if I am not who I am today, I wouldn't be where I'm at. I use to be the one who goes the opposite direction. What do I mean? When someone says: You must study. I rebel and never study but instead always play. When they say: You need to be quiet. I will say: I'll show you what it means to be noisy then and make a heck of a chaos.

So after all, God did deliver me. To Him all the credit goes for giving me such burning passion, such perseverance, such willingness and such obedience because honestly, it's a MIRACLE because I'm not that kind of person. But now, He, the One who blessed me so richly has been moulding me. This unworthy child. In awe.

& I miss you Yun Xin. I am exhilarated that you guys will be throttling by. :)

excitement

Holidays are finally rocking by once again. I can't wait because this holiday is going to be so different. I'm going to be doing things I've never done.
What are they? I'm going to leave you in suspense.
Multiple first times coming right up!
One of it is making this fabulous cupcake thingo for my birthday girls.
Next?
*advert* Hahahaha.

Before all that buzz and fun, parent-teacher interview tomorrow. Pumped to know where I could improve and know what my flaws are so I can BRUSH UP and work towards my goal!
*Penguin happy dance*

& The movies coming out! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

But before all the movie thrills, end of topic test coming up.
I AM READY for the 2nd time in my entire life for a Year 11 Chemistry test.
*CHEEKY SMILES*