The One that holds the universe, holds me tonight.

Caution: WORDY.


Easter camp was truly and wonderfully amazing.
On the first day I was just excited and didn't care about much. Had no emotions, nothing just like how I was like for the past 4 months since 2011 started. On the second day I hit the negative side and couldn't believe I would think such a thing. I wanted to text sissy saying,"I wish you were here with me. Or actually, I hope I didn't come for camp." I disliked being there so much on the second day. Why? Because it was coming to the point of facing the things I've been avoiding. Running away from. I was still running. & I started running since the end of February 2011...


The race ended on 23rd April at night when Derrick papa asked me once again, "Are you alright?" I tried to lie once more. The lie I was living in since the end of feb till that day. The mask of "I'm GREAT! :D" and smiles started cracking. So I gently shook my head. He came to talk after and he asked one more time. I tried avoiding his question so I won't have to address the issues I, myself have been running from. So I said,"I don't know..." then minutes later, "Okay to begin with... I'm going through with a lot of problems." He replied," I knew it since last Wednesday Prayer meet... I asked, but you lied. Why are you not telling me?" and I shook my head, about to cry I said,"That's one of my problems too..." I dropped, he hit the right spot, he picked up the crack and went for the blow to break this mask open. I placed my head on the table. Turned and started crying a little. "This is it..." I thought, "This is where the stupid, weak crying comes..." After wiping my tears away I sat back up and went into deep thoughts. He asked if I wanted to walk away and go to a private place to cry it all out but being me,"Nah, I'm good :D" Then he went for the second blow... "What about Puan?" I shook my head, yet broken and filled with regrets and anger I threw at myself, mentally. Immediately, he went off at me. Serious, firm and disappointed. "You're becoming like me! Welcome to my life & ITS NOT GOOD." Was what struck me. And I replied, "It sucks." He nodded and said,"I know. SO WHY?" I told him my reason and he was like,"Don't be stupid. I'll make her talk to you now." I was reluctant and I pulled his shirt and tried to run away once again but he told me, firm and strong, "SIT AND YOU BETTER STAY THERE." She came and she asked,"Why have you been hiding things from me?" I couldn't answer her. How could I answer her when I've not only been hiding things from her but from my own self too? Things I myself have been running away and have not dealt in the hatred of crying and letting it out. But that question she asked made the anger towards myself grow even larger in disappointment and how I didn't have answers for frustrations I had. She left with, "FINE." That struck me and the mask was falling off. I asked for Derrick's car keys that he offered earlier, went to his car and along the way tears started pouring.


I got into the car and I know I have to face myself and allow my own present being back into my world. Give up the robot ways and living like a zombie, I faced monsters that very night. Monsters of my own that I've been nurturing, growing and feeding. Monsters that came from hell. I cried so hard. I've not cried at all since the start of the year and all my worries, disappointments and anger was a whole big mountain of little monsters packed in a cell, deep and dark within my heart where Jesus use to be but, last time He was victorious and reigning. I took about an hour and a half by myself, facing and self reflecting on things I should have done days and months ago. That night I felt empty, I felt the things around me were crumbling down. Beside me, in the car I found a book. The book, 'The utmost for my Highest' by Oswald Chambers. The very same devotion book we use as a family. I read that day's devotion but hardly because of the poor lighting but with that short 3 sentences, I felt my soul drinking so much. That was then I realised, I was not only starving my mind but also my soul. I had a little peace and felt like I should finally talk to puan. But before that, I had to get God back into my life. I prayed a prayer and waited for a while to calm down.


I then got out of the car, locked it and walked back. I found her along the way and we went to her car to talk. Told her things I was suppose and did plan to tell her ages ago. The times I've said,"I've got something to tell you!" wouldn't happen because of things cropping up and I reassured myself with,"I'll eventually find a way. It's okay. Don't need to tell her since she's so busy." I've learnt, I can not do this alone and how important my mentor is. Not only was I dry spiritually and mentally, I was alone since I've cut everybody out. Alone because of paths I've decided upon my own strength and not because of them leaving me.


The conversation I had with her was intense, everything being poured out in words, speech and anger within myself, towards myself. Through that conversation, what struck me most was when she asked, "Would you give up your salvation for someone you truly truly love?" it took me about 5 minutes to think it through and answered "No, eventually like the bible said, every knee will bow, every tongue will confess that He is God. & it's their own choice after all." She answered, "The answer should be 'NO' because it would hurt God so much if He lost you." It made me realise that yes, if I said yes, I have placed my friend above God and that's simply not right. After that 4 hours ++ straight of talking and more crying as I constantly faced all my monsters, one after another with Puan, she prayed for me. Doubts that I could pull through this recovery and to get back with God. Strong strong doubts and the feeling of helplessness and hopelessness. However, I made strong commitments that night. Commitments that I wouldn't be able to do so alone. So I prayed for guidance. & That very night, my vision was clear. I felt alive, free and finally soaring. Not alone. Not in my little cubicle of 3 walls. But on God and Puan being beside me. I went back to the chalet with my eyes completely swollen, puffy and red. I slept that night and for the very first time this year, I didn't have nightmares or disturbing haunting dreams. Just a plain deep sleep without anything. Where I really rest as Daddy God rocked me to sleep. Peace. Peace, was all I had. I've surrendered my all. Everything I've been lugging behind me has been taken away from me and burnt and eliminated in the light of Daddy's majestic mercy and love.


The next day was Easter Sunday. The day we Christians commemorate Jesus rising from the dead and finishing the most passionate and bestest story of love. The love of Daddy God. & With Jesus, I rise, in His arms now. Safe, focused and recommitting my life to Him. I not only had peace, but joy, life, hope and faith has been restored in me. I am back to how I was before I became so focused on these earthly things. I've got my true smile on. Fixed and I promise, true. All that pain, hurts, questions have been removed. Now, I've got my eyes fixed on Him. Slowly He aids me to fix this broken vessel. The little demon within me gone and back to where the cell of monsters are have been destroyed by Jesus Christ, back to where He belongs in me. In my life. Now all I feel like talking is this wonderful, everlasting, loving hands of Daddy God holding unto me.


Life before all these was spiritually, emotionally, mentally, physically and socially destroyed. A suicide. Spiritually, as mentioned above and so is mentally. Physically, I went back to my old ways of anorexia, being unhappy with myself inside and out, having suicidal thoughts once again and being so lonely and lost. Socially, because of cutting everyone out of my life, not wanting them to know how I'm truly like at present time, I didn't talk to people I meet. I became this strange alien I hate. Not shy but just not wanting to put in the effort to even talk or say hi let alone making friends. I cut all my friends out and OCF then specifically Derrick out of my life first because I knew he would pick up on my dark side easily so I kinda avoided him, not spending time with him meant him not knowing, not sensing and not reading me cause he's able to read me so well. Then family, I became selfish, cold and impatient with everyone. I still had the mask on, no one could tell I was so broken inside. Then Puan, thinking she was too busy for me, thinking I could do it myself. Thinking I didn't need her reminders of going back to God because I was in His silences, I thought its stupid telling me to go back to someone testing me. Then God, since I was in His silences I shall just plainly wait but not whole hearted. The light cleared but I was still not at peace because I myself have already given up, built this thick wall around me. Then eventually, myself. I didn't want to touch such sensitive issues in me, didn't like crying. Had no outlet since usually my outlet is talking about it but I had no one to talk to because of my own mental persuasion and hate crying so I just banned myself from visiting these monsters within myself and soon a demon reside in me. Living my life for me, unknowingly since I wasn't steadfast, rooted in Daddy God's presence anymore. Scary? I thought so too. I myself was scared. Lost. Aimless. Empty. Now I've got myself back, God too, Puan too, Derrick Papa too, slowly but surely OCF  currently and working on family. Starting with mum since she's the one I've hurt the most since little then Melanie then Papa when he returns much later and finally Melissa in time to come. 


I've come a long way. But through it all, I praise Him. The One who didn't give up on me. The one who holds the universe holds me, the One who never let me go even though I told myself I wasn't going to make it and replaced Him. I thank Him for sending Derrick and Puan. I thank Him for still holding me and protecting me as I recover. Even the sermons spoke to me personally and I admit, I was ashamed at first to say the things that impacted me because I was still not dealing with problems. But after I did, the sermon about leaving everything behind as I enter back into the real world came after I've totally surrendered. Pastor Ronnie asked everyone to pray to God and commit and totally surrender the things they know they must leave behind. To break free from. By then, I didn't have anything anymore so instead a prayer filled with thankfulness. I know that if I didn't commit earlier I would probably crying so so so so so hard and flood the whole of Perth. It was an emotional time for everyone but I figured why God let me realise a day before... So that during this time, I'm reassured that this is it. I've fully committed everything to the Lord and in His hands I lay them there and humbled myself.


Before I faced all these, I told God constantly, I missed Him and all that. (Because of the silences) but I realised the light is here again but its me this time turned and skipping away, off this narrow road. When I spoke to Ah Tah (Hakka for Granddad), before hanging up, his voice was weak and gentle saying,"我很想你" (I really do miss you). That was the peak and that was what hit the "mask" I was wearing. It was really like Daddy God saying it through him. It was like God HIMSELF telling me that He misses me. All I could manage as I choked through the words,"一样" (Same) and I couldn't manage a bye, he hung up on me and I quickly push 
away this thought before I allow it to hit my mask off.


My long journey and experience Daddy God blessed me with. One I'm thankful for cause 
now, He has equipped me as to how I could help others going through this very situation. 


For the time is near.


PS. I'm so very very very grateful for Daddy God providing you, Derrick papa and Jiejie Puan. :)
Loves.


God answered my prayers that I've never prayed but was at the back of my mind. 
Awesome, amazing and a huge sign that He didn't give up on me when I gave up on Him before I even realised.
There's still so much more to this but this is the main bit in details. :)

When frailty hits.

Someone made me crop her out of the picture but it was one picture I really wanted to look back on in the future when we grow old together and laugh about it. The picture would probably get lost somewhere in this computer in time to come or when this computer gets reformatted but I guess this bit of me would be the closest thing to remind me of this friend I promised, myself secretly, that I wanted to be friends with till I'm old.

That friend, you know who you are. :) And I'm not mad at you.

how the year has gone.

Had Lyndall's 16th, then Lincoln's. (Picture at Lincoln's)

Crabbing with Yus, Bao, Sissy and Janie.

OCF Freshie welcome.

Harbour town, met Paula and Kaisha by accident.

Penrhos Year 11 dance. (That I couldn't go... ): Because of Penrhos.)

Had a chill sesh with this amazing girl. But this was at Evie's party.

My bruuu, love her.

The one whom I share a special year and month with ;)

Rebecca C.

That's it for now. (More to be added later)

shuffling along.

Holidays is rocking by just so soon and I'm soooooo excited! Especially for Easter Camp. Here's a summary of things before I get into anything deep!

Past few months that I was M.I.A,
Been partying every weekend. EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND! Along the way, got closer to friends, know people better, was myself even to people I weren't with, the past 2 years in Penrhos.

Along the way, met a boy. (I hear some heavy breaths being sucked in hahaha) Properly met him last year but we properly talked at Lyndall's party, 5th February. Here's everything... To begin with, I told myself,"Well, this is going to be easy. I won't like this person. He's really different from those I've liked and right now, I'm not interested in having this kind of special spot in that boom biddidy boom." We texted everyday. Non-stop. From "GOOD MORNING! :D" to "Nightnight xx" and soon the "I Love You!!! xx" & all those. Yes, you guessed it, 20 days later I started considering if I would like to share at least my year 11 life (You know, the year 11 dance, ball and etcetc) with this guy. This gone on for another 2 months. & Like any other young teenage love, things don't last but unlike any teenage love, we didn't end because we "broke up" but because we came to a mutual agreement that we're too young for this and neither of us are ready. Especially me, spiritually. But just like any sad teenage love story, after "the end" we stopped talking. Like completely... I'd like to think we're still friends... Well, that's what I hope we are. Do I still like him? I wouldn't say it's easy to forget this person so different and unique that caught my attention but I'd say I didn't fall deep enough, let alone love this person yet so it's not too hard to move on with life. But do I miss this boy? Of course I do honestly. I mean, last time the question was, "do you consider this as we're together?" but now it's "do you consider us as friends?" Like I said, he's different, special and just someone that made me feel myself. So... This guy that made the past 2 months pretty exciting and different as compared to the past 2 years is Richard/Bozza. :) Cause even though its like this now... A girl who is loved shines as bright as the northern star pointing you home.

So while all these were happening, some other guys I met at my new school did disturb me a little and made me miss Penrhos hahaha but overall, friendships that I've made in Lynwood is amazing. Getting to know people better, getting closer with some and getting to understand the real teenage dramas I never really had before.

Now,
Tests are being done and now preparation of examinations are under way. There's so much to do for me especially Chemistry. I'm contented with the rest but those I feel could do better would be Human Biology and Chinese. Though I'm in the top 10 (I don't know exactly where though) I feel there's a lot more to go. & Chinese, I'm 89% now and I'm still keeping my aim above 92%. English, I'm not sure but all my tests and assessments I'm getting As and all (About 70 and above) but I am aiming for 90%. Math, I'm contented but I want to remain the top of my level and keep 97% as my constant or even higher. Studies, they're alright for me. :)

Holidays are packed till next week, EASTERRRR CAMPPPPPP! :D :D :D I am really excited. Though those that I'm close with in OCF are either not going or part time, I think this is God granting me my secret silent prayer YET to be prayed but have been on my mind... That I get to know the freshies better. I've been excluding myself from them this year. Tried prioritising and all but I'm not much good as a multi task-er thus the great results but poor social skills in OCF this year... TIME TO MEET THE REAL ME HOMIES! ;)

Future,
Also during the holidays, I'm working out more, swimming more. Cause once school starts its a rapid train ride to studies. Also, gonna hang with some peeps and bond with mummy. :) AMAZING OPPORTUNITIES DADDY GOD HAS GRANTED ME I TELL YOU. FOR THIS HOLIDAYS! :D
Exams 5 weeks after holidays. I'm going to work so hard, you wouldn't believe your eyes. Plants vs Zombies was the worst thing that happened in my year 11 quite frankly, but that's the end.

Year 11, I'll run you down and be proud with no regrets. Heart? Back to my sacred promise, still focused and determined. 2 years, 2 months. I'm on my half way mark. No worries, I'm honestly not looking forward to this thing ending because after having the taste of being single after all that childish moments, its actually really honestly, frankly... AMAZING! :) No burdens, no extra commitments, no one to report your every minute of the day to and more time for me to focus on helping friends, bonding with them during this amazing fly period.

Okay that's the past 2 months update all squashed in 1! I'm sorry for it being so long and wordy! Now pictures to summarise a few events I had! (Next post, don't like my words crowding amazing pictures)

When light freezes.

I know I've not blogged in ages and each time I'm on the sidewalks, walking to school I'd have so much on my mind and told myself I've to blog about it but I always can't find the time to... Eventually, I will. :)

Here's something.


Reblog and bold what applies to you.

• I’m loud.
• I’m sarcastic.
• I cry easily. 
• I have a bad temper.
• I’m easy to get along with.
• I have more enemies than friends.
• I’ve smoked.
• I drink coffee.
• I clean my room daily.

My appearance:

• I wear makeup.
• I wear a piece of jewellery at all times.
• I wear contacts. 
• I wear glasses.
• I have braces.
• I change my hair color often.
• I have a piercing.
• I have small feet.

Relationships:

• I’m in a relationship now.  
• I’m single
• I’m crushin’. 
• I’ve missed an ex before.
• I’m always scared of being hurt.
• I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
• I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did. 
• I’ve been in love more than two times. 
• I believe in love at first sight. 
• I’m too awesome for everyone.  Actually, the one who has my heart is too awesome to share the space for now. ;)

Friendships:

• I have a best friend. 
• I have at least ten REAL friends. 
• I’ve gotten a phone call in the last 48 hours from a friend.
• I’ve beaten up a friend. Verbally, yeah...
• I’ve been in a serious fight with a friend.
• I can trust at least five people with my life.
  

Experiences:

• I’ve been on a plane.
• I’ve taken a taxi.
• I’ve taken a city bus.
• I’ve taken a school bus.
• I’ve made a speech.
• I’ve been in some sort of club.
• I’ve won an award.
• I’ve spent 24 hours on the computer straight.

Music:

• I listen to R&B.
• I listen to pop.
• I listen to techno.
• I listen to rock. 
• I’m one of those people who play songs repeatedly until I hate it.
• I download music.
• I buy CD’s.

Television:

• I spend at least six hours a day watching television.  
• I’ve seen and liked the O.C.
• I’ve seen and liked One Tree Hill.
• I’ve seen and liked America’s Next Top Model.

Family Life:

• I get along with both of my parents.
• My biological parents are still together. 
• I have at least one brother.
• I have at least one sister.
• I’ve been kicked out of the house.
• I’ve ran away from my home.
• I’ve sworn at my parents.  
  
• I’ve made my parents cry.
• I’ve lied to my parents.
• I’ve lied to my parents about where I am.
• I’ve lied to my parents about what I’m doing.
• I’ve lied to my parents so I’d be allowed out.

Hair:

• I’ve been brown My hair turned brown naturally while growing up...
• I’ve had streaks.
• I’ve cut my hair in the past year.
• I’ve dyed my hair in the past year.
• I’ve been blonde.
• I’ve had black.
• I’ve been red.
• I’ve been light brown.
• I use conditioner.
• I’ve curled my hair.
• I’ve straightened my hair.

That's it for now. I shall scoot and do some human bio. :) Cheers.