The One that holds the universe, holds me tonight.

Caution: WORDY.


Easter camp was truly and wonderfully amazing.
On the first day I was just excited and didn't care about much. Had no emotions, nothing just like how I was like for the past 4 months since 2011 started. On the second day I hit the negative side and couldn't believe I would think such a thing. I wanted to text sissy saying,"I wish you were here with me. Or actually, I hope I didn't come for camp." I disliked being there so much on the second day. Why? Because it was coming to the point of facing the things I've been avoiding. Running away from. I was still running. & I started running since the end of February 2011...


The race ended on 23rd April at night when Derrick papa asked me once again, "Are you alright?" I tried to lie once more. The lie I was living in since the end of feb till that day. The mask of "I'm GREAT! :D" and smiles started cracking. So I gently shook my head. He came to talk after and he asked one more time. I tried avoiding his question so I won't have to address the issues I, myself have been running from. So I said,"I don't know..." then minutes later, "Okay to begin with... I'm going through with a lot of problems." He replied," I knew it since last Wednesday Prayer meet... I asked, but you lied. Why are you not telling me?" and I shook my head, about to cry I said,"That's one of my problems too..." I dropped, he hit the right spot, he picked up the crack and went for the blow to break this mask open. I placed my head on the table. Turned and started crying a little. "This is it..." I thought, "This is where the stupid, weak crying comes..." After wiping my tears away I sat back up and went into deep thoughts. He asked if I wanted to walk away and go to a private place to cry it all out but being me,"Nah, I'm good :D" Then he went for the second blow... "What about Puan?" I shook my head, yet broken and filled with regrets and anger I threw at myself, mentally. Immediately, he went off at me. Serious, firm and disappointed. "You're becoming like me! Welcome to my life & ITS NOT GOOD." Was what struck me. And I replied, "It sucks." He nodded and said,"I know. SO WHY?" I told him my reason and he was like,"Don't be stupid. I'll make her talk to you now." I was reluctant and I pulled his shirt and tried to run away once again but he told me, firm and strong, "SIT AND YOU BETTER STAY THERE." She came and she asked,"Why have you been hiding things from me?" I couldn't answer her. How could I answer her when I've not only been hiding things from her but from my own self too? Things I myself have been running away and have not dealt in the hatred of crying and letting it out. But that question she asked made the anger towards myself grow even larger in disappointment and how I didn't have answers for frustrations I had. She left with, "FINE." That struck me and the mask was falling off. I asked for Derrick's car keys that he offered earlier, went to his car and along the way tears started pouring.


I got into the car and I know I have to face myself and allow my own present being back into my world. Give up the robot ways and living like a zombie, I faced monsters that very night. Monsters of my own that I've been nurturing, growing and feeding. Monsters that came from hell. I cried so hard. I've not cried at all since the start of the year and all my worries, disappointments and anger was a whole big mountain of little monsters packed in a cell, deep and dark within my heart where Jesus use to be but, last time He was victorious and reigning. I took about an hour and a half by myself, facing and self reflecting on things I should have done days and months ago. That night I felt empty, I felt the things around me were crumbling down. Beside me, in the car I found a book. The book, 'The utmost for my Highest' by Oswald Chambers. The very same devotion book we use as a family. I read that day's devotion but hardly because of the poor lighting but with that short 3 sentences, I felt my soul drinking so much. That was then I realised, I was not only starving my mind but also my soul. I had a little peace and felt like I should finally talk to puan. But before that, I had to get God back into my life. I prayed a prayer and waited for a while to calm down.


I then got out of the car, locked it and walked back. I found her along the way and we went to her car to talk. Told her things I was suppose and did plan to tell her ages ago. The times I've said,"I've got something to tell you!" wouldn't happen because of things cropping up and I reassured myself with,"I'll eventually find a way. It's okay. Don't need to tell her since she's so busy." I've learnt, I can not do this alone and how important my mentor is. Not only was I dry spiritually and mentally, I was alone since I've cut everybody out. Alone because of paths I've decided upon my own strength and not because of them leaving me.


The conversation I had with her was intense, everything being poured out in words, speech and anger within myself, towards myself. Through that conversation, what struck me most was when she asked, "Would you give up your salvation for someone you truly truly love?" it took me about 5 minutes to think it through and answered "No, eventually like the bible said, every knee will bow, every tongue will confess that He is God. & it's their own choice after all." She answered, "The answer should be 'NO' because it would hurt God so much if He lost you." It made me realise that yes, if I said yes, I have placed my friend above God and that's simply not right. After that 4 hours ++ straight of talking and more crying as I constantly faced all my monsters, one after another with Puan, she prayed for me. Doubts that I could pull through this recovery and to get back with God. Strong strong doubts and the feeling of helplessness and hopelessness. However, I made strong commitments that night. Commitments that I wouldn't be able to do so alone. So I prayed for guidance. & That very night, my vision was clear. I felt alive, free and finally soaring. Not alone. Not in my little cubicle of 3 walls. But on God and Puan being beside me. I went back to the chalet with my eyes completely swollen, puffy and red. I slept that night and for the very first time this year, I didn't have nightmares or disturbing haunting dreams. Just a plain deep sleep without anything. Where I really rest as Daddy God rocked me to sleep. Peace. Peace, was all I had. I've surrendered my all. Everything I've been lugging behind me has been taken away from me and burnt and eliminated in the light of Daddy's majestic mercy and love.


The next day was Easter Sunday. The day we Christians commemorate Jesus rising from the dead and finishing the most passionate and bestest story of love. The love of Daddy God. & With Jesus, I rise, in His arms now. Safe, focused and recommitting my life to Him. I not only had peace, but joy, life, hope and faith has been restored in me. I am back to how I was before I became so focused on these earthly things. I've got my true smile on. Fixed and I promise, true. All that pain, hurts, questions have been removed. Now, I've got my eyes fixed on Him. Slowly He aids me to fix this broken vessel. The little demon within me gone and back to where the cell of monsters are have been destroyed by Jesus Christ, back to where He belongs in me. In my life. Now all I feel like talking is this wonderful, everlasting, loving hands of Daddy God holding unto me.


Life before all these was spiritually, emotionally, mentally, physically and socially destroyed. A suicide. Spiritually, as mentioned above and so is mentally. Physically, I went back to my old ways of anorexia, being unhappy with myself inside and out, having suicidal thoughts once again and being so lonely and lost. Socially, because of cutting everyone out of my life, not wanting them to know how I'm truly like at present time, I didn't talk to people I meet. I became this strange alien I hate. Not shy but just not wanting to put in the effort to even talk or say hi let alone making friends. I cut all my friends out and OCF then specifically Derrick out of my life first because I knew he would pick up on my dark side easily so I kinda avoided him, not spending time with him meant him not knowing, not sensing and not reading me cause he's able to read me so well. Then family, I became selfish, cold and impatient with everyone. I still had the mask on, no one could tell I was so broken inside. Then Puan, thinking she was too busy for me, thinking I could do it myself. Thinking I didn't need her reminders of going back to God because I was in His silences, I thought its stupid telling me to go back to someone testing me. Then God, since I was in His silences I shall just plainly wait but not whole hearted. The light cleared but I was still not at peace because I myself have already given up, built this thick wall around me. Then eventually, myself. I didn't want to touch such sensitive issues in me, didn't like crying. Had no outlet since usually my outlet is talking about it but I had no one to talk to because of my own mental persuasion and hate crying so I just banned myself from visiting these monsters within myself and soon a demon reside in me. Living my life for me, unknowingly since I wasn't steadfast, rooted in Daddy God's presence anymore. Scary? I thought so too. I myself was scared. Lost. Aimless. Empty. Now I've got myself back, God too, Puan too, Derrick Papa too, slowly but surely OCF  currently and working on family. Starting with mum since she's the one I've hurt the most since little then Melanie then Papa when he returns much later and finally Melissa in time to come. 


I've come a long way. But through it all, I praise Him. The One who didn't give up on me. The one who holds the universe holds me, the One who never let me go even though I told myself I wasn't going to make it and replaced Him. I thank Him for sending Derrick and Puan. I thank Him for still holding me and protecting me as I recover. Even the sermons spoke to me personally and I admit, I was ashamed at first to say the things that impacted me because I was still not dealing with problems. But after I did, the sermon about leaving everything behind as I enter back into the real world came after I've totally surrendered. Pastor Ronnie asked everyone to pray to God and commit and totally surrender the things they know they must leave behind. To break free from. By then, I didn't have anything anymore so instead a prayer filled with thankfulness. I know that if I didn't commit earlier I would probably crying so so so so so hard and flood the whole of Perth. It was an emotional time for everyone but I figured why God let me realise a day before... So that during this time, I'm reassured that this is it. I've fully committed everything to the Lord and in His hands I lay them there and humbled myself.


Before I faced all these, I told God constantly, I missed Him and all that. (Because of the silences) but I realised the light is here again but its me this time turned and skipping away, off this narrow road. When I spoke to Ah Tah (Hakka for Granddad), before hanging up, his voice was weak and gentle saying,"我很想你" (I really do miss you). That was the peak and that was what hit the "mask" I was wearing. It was really like Daddy God saying it through him. It was like God HIMSELF telling me that He misses me. All I could manage as I choked through the words,"一样" (Same) and I couldn't manage a bye, he hung up on me and I quickly push 
away this thought before I allow it to hit my mask off.


My long journey and experience Daddy God blessed me with. One I'm thankful for cause 
now, He has equipped me as to how I could help others going through this very situation. 


For the time is near.


PS. I'm so very very very grateful for Daddy God providing you, Derrick papa and Jiejie Puan. :)
Loves.


God answered my prayers that I've never prayed but was at the back of my mind. 
Awesome, amazing and a huge sign that He didn't give up on me when I gave up on Him before I even realised.
There's still so much more to this but this is the main bit in details. :)