Invisibility

Firstly, THANKYOU ASHIM PAPA for totally cheering me up today, listening to my endless sadness and stopped those tears, wanted to stand up for me but you know I DONT ALLOW THAT and saved my agonized heart from facing the truth. Totally made me laugh like a maniac. && yet, I'm sorry for not telling you earlier.(:

I've realised what I am to both of you now, Anna & Ashim are right, I can't just eat more dirt that both of you are forcing down my throat...

...Instead I should just grab it off your hand and eat it MYSELF. After that wipe my mouth clean and take it in && BE HAPPY ABOUT IT because both of you are happy.

This is how both of you treat me, it's a combination.
Like I'm a robot with no heart. (True, it faded off after being broken so many times!(: ); Invisible (Well, I don't need you, I've got other great friends!); Sharing with me everything that I wish I didn't know (Oh yeah! I'm a robot, I shouldn't have feelings!); Your punchbag you mock at after punching it (Provoke me for all I care cause like I said from the very beginning, I am never gonna retaliate. After that say it's a joke. I TAKE THAT AND SWALLOW IT.)

ALL YOU BOTH CARE IS ABOUT YOUR HAPPINESS. WHAT ABOUT OTHERS AROUND YOU!? DON'T TAKE THEM FOR GRANTED CAUSE NOW, YOU HAVE HURT THOSE YOU HAVE TRULY LOVED AND LOVED YOU BACK.
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I'm glad I've gotten that off my burdens. (: Half of me is having a battle with my other half. I've got alot of questions to ask myself:

1. How long can I go on wearing this thick make-up?
2. How long can I endure this pain?
3. How long can I live in pretence ignorance?
4. How long before you realise what you have done to me?
5. How long can I go on living this lie?
6. How long more till you stop hurting me?
7. How long more before this living nightmare draws its curtains?
8. How long can this smile last?
9. How long more before you realise I've been lying to you, to keep you happy?
10. How long more before I breakdown again..

This few days, this engulfing pain in me, makes me feel like my heart is not there anymore. But when I have to face the truth, I feel my heart again but it's not beating it's cheerful beat. It's beating a beat of a time bomb, placed right deep and rooted into my heart. The time bomb is not only placed in there once but EVERYTIME when I have to face the truth. I'm having a battle with myself. I am losing appetite, not being able to eat the whole day. Lacking sleep, endless nights I try to sleep. 2 nights ago, I slept for 3 hours, last night I slept for 1 hour and I couldn't fall asleep again after that. I draw my sadness out, I write their pains on my arm. How long is this gonna last? This time I'm not torturing myself like I USED to, this time it's for real. How long is this nightmare going to last because it is affecting me physically too, not emotionally and mentally alone anymore. I admit, my story is reality.